sorry, had a brainfunk there

my mind has been everywhere this last week. for a while, i actually wondered if it were truly possible to lose one's marbles...

do you remember those building sets, kind of like build-a-blocs or tinker toys (i loved tinker toys...), only they were plastic multi-colored ramps and tubes and funnels, and they came with marbles? and you could build these elaborate structures for those lovely glass marbles to tumble through until the finale, when they arrived in your hand after the singular thrill of watching them fall through the creation of your master mind?

my favorite was the sound of them. the tink and rumble and clatter of marbles falling through chambers and tunnels and chutes. my theme was always spiral; everything was build in spirals back then. even my tinker toy creations and doodles. talk about prophetic...

anyway, this entire week, i've been hearing a memory of the clatter-rumble of those marbles. a favorite pasttime of mine was to dump handfuls of marbles into one funnel and watch them roll crazily, milling about in chaos as they slowly rolled toward the spout and disappeared...only to reappear in a trough, rolling along in perfect order like soldiers marching in a line. order from chaos but, oh, how the chaos fascinated me!

my thoughts have been like those marbles i'd dump pell-mell by the handful, rolling about in crazy confusion, getting mixed up and bumped around and disappearing down into the funnel of my subconscious only to pop up again minutes, hours, a day later at most, and making perfect sense.

por exemplo--

marble: nothing lasts, let alone love and relationships. even family eventually disintegrates. everyone knows one day the sun will go supernova and swallow the world in fire. and yet...that doesn't stop the 6.6 billion people walking the earth from living their lives anyway. who cares about tomorrow? the Now is all we have.

marble: the NAS bible says love "is patient, love is kind, love is not jealous; love does not brag nor is it arrogant...love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things." everyone recognizes 1 corintians 4-7. not that i've read the bible in more years than my hatchling's been alive. but goodness! that doesn't tell you much about love, does it? makes love sound flaccid and pale as milkwater. better, then, that my bible is the televisionary oracle, and here's what it says about love: "as far as the goddess is concerned, there is only pantheosexuality. also known as polymorphus perverse omnidirectional goddess-caressing. all else is a lie, an obscene limitation. you can only be in mad loving lust with ALL of goddess, not some of her. to be in love with some and not all of her is to be in love with none of her." --the televisionary oracle, chapter 41. it's as i'd been trying to tell *m* all this time...

...all or nothing.

marble: there can be no respect for a man with no self-respect.

marble: to whom it may concern was real. he was really here. but now he's gone, and there's no promise he'll come back.

marble: love is gone, but i cannot but hold onto its memory. and i would move mountains for it.

marble: much as i've tried to run from it, i see more clearly every day i became my bio-mother after all. just those parts i loved, and inherited. and there is no shame in it. she was, in her own way, quite beautiful.