brezsny-on-the-blog

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Last June, Neculai Ivascu was re-elected mayor of Voinesti, a Romanian town he had led for almost two decades. The only problem was, he was dead. "I know he died," said one of the villagers who voted to return him to office, "but I don't want change." I hope you won't go that far in your resistance to the forces of evolution, Capricorn. It's time for at least some of your old ways of thinking and being to expire, and there's no wisdom in trying to prop them up. My advice is to be brave: Gracefully agitate for transformation.


well...shit.

needless to say, this week's influx of brezsny wasn't received well at first. i sat here for a few minutes thinking of the most "colorful" language to express just how not-well it was received.

then i started thinking about it and, to be quite honest, those forces in me have been shifting --or ready to shift-- for quite some time. i've been doing a lot of thinking (not deliberately!) and realizing that some of the things i was holding onto are a little outdated.

and no, we're not talking "fashionably retro," here.

however, it's also brought quite a bit of sadness into my life to think of those things that no longer serve me. especially when they were things to which i was quite dedicated for the longest time. however, the natural progression of my life is showing me that perhaps it isn't exactly in the cards for me anymore. or maybe i'm just not really quite the same person i used to be deep down.

most of it's been centered around careerlovemarriagechildren, and how much i wanted all four, and all four to be "just so," and "just so" to be happy and miraculous and everything i ever dreamed of when i was younger...within reason. i was allowing for reality. i really was.

but with each passing day --the more i see the relationships around me-- the more i realize just how happy i really am unattached and unfettered. i have my routines, my style, my freedom. my bedroom is decorated just the way i like it. i don't have to share leftovers. i don't have to make room, or compromise. i'm free to do what i want, with whom i want, when i want. my honor is answerable to no one but myself (aka. i can sleep with whom i wish, hang out with whom i wish, and ignore whom i wish) without having to consider things like closing myself to the world of possibilities out there.

not only that, but i discovered that i've developed this very serious allergy to drama. we're talking anaphylactic shock, here. the moment there's a breakdown in the communication sphere, or the synergistic dynamic, or the honesty, or the harmony, or the respect...i'm gone. i'm not willing to work it out because i don't have to. nine times out of ten it's going to be a waste of my precious, irreplaceable time, energy, and emotions...and why would i want to do that?

the chances of finding Him, the Love of My Life who is at my caliber in strength, maturity, character, intelligence, loyalty, and chivalry are slim. finding a man who is in as much love with my zany and strange, Funky nature as i am is difficult to find. he's going to have to adore how odd i am, first and foremost. my quirks, eccentricities, and off-the-wallness are going to have to crack him up, and inspire wild thoughts of radical intimacy in him.

and the respect will have to live on, at all times. when there's Respect, most of that other drama-filled bullshit just can't grow. it's non-conducive to the growth and maturation of insufferable drama. the moment respect dwindles, i'm gone faster than you can say, "where'd she go?"

but really, i've just slowly come to the realization that i love being me, just the way i am, and i really don't want to change it.

...unless that's what mr. brezsny's talking about. but then...loving my single, mother-to-only-one-child life is a change from my "careerlovemarriagechildren" focus i had early this year. i was determined to make it my reality, and i was in perfect alignment with myself, my soul, my desires when it came to this. now? i don't really, honestly think i want to invite the chaos of more children into my life, let alone the chaos of a man.

i like dating with no commitment. is this awful of me to say? am i shallow? am i selfish? am i afraid of commitment? ...well, i don't think i'm afraid of commitment, because as soon as someone with a real pair steps up, i'm right there meeting him brass for brass. and i usually stay the course far longer than anyone i commit to.

so no, not afraid of commitment. afraid of being trapped, maybe. afraid of attaching myself to what turns out to be yet another loser? definitely. even a newfound drama-free chick like me isn't immune. we're just not as susceptible.

so...i dunno. i don't know what the change and evolution is here that i'm not supposed to be resisting. maybe i'm just full of crap and it's actually talking about an area in my life that i haven't even considered.

that's a definite possibility.