7.04.2007

brezsny-on-the-blog

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): It's Unity Week. You have rich opportunities to negotiate truces, whip up collaborations, and knit together seemingly irreconcilable elements. Maybe it has previously seemed insane for you to try mixing oil and water, apples and oranges, or Israelis and Palestinians, but it makes sense now. You'll tend to attract good fortune whenever you conspire to turn matches made in hell into heavenly blends. Here's a motto to inspire your work: from the rebellious unification expert Ghandi: "Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony."

okay, mr. brezsny, i loved our little chat over lemon scones and earl grey, but i don't like this horoscope any more now than i did when you gave it to me. no, seriously.

my first reaction was to say, "but my life IS in harmony!" and after seriously thinking about it, yeah, that answer's not changing. what i think, what i say, and what i do are in total harmony. i've never been happier. my life has never been better.

perfect, even.

it's been perfect for quite some time now, and it gets even more perfect with each passing day. colors are phenominally more vivid than ever before, flavors are awe-inspiring, jokes are funnier, work is mind-blowingly awesome, and i'm more alive with each passing moment. of course, i'm in absolute love, so that has something to do with the world being nothing so much as a guerrilla communion with Funkywild bliss the likes of which border on more than what one meager human can possibly stand without exploding like a confetti egg at Ostara.

i don't go crazywhacked, being in love, but it certainly is the cherry on top. it's my cake. it's the ice cream sitting next to the cake. hell, being in love is the whole damn party plate of desserty goodness! *nod*

i've written my Funky Love Letter and closed that chapter.

work is no longer slamming me past the point of physical endurance.

things are quiet and lovely at home.

i don't like someone pointing out that i've been avoiding looking at those few areas where disharmony sits like a big, fat white elephant in my life. but yes, there's disharmony. unfortunately, i feel powerless to do anything about it. the house of dragon's rest has become a joke due to actions and resulting dissipation of respect. i think i, the Clan Mother, am the only one who even gives a fuck about it anymore. which, i suppose, is fitting. i was born to be a good mother, always fussing over and taking care of everyone else around me, giving that quality of attention that just says, "mother figure." and with how family is my passion, is it any wonder that the breakdown of dragon's rest would bother me greatly?

and big *c*. i'm sorry, but over the years, everything i suppressed and sufocated in that relationship has slowly been let out, like a pin-sized hole in an air mattress, making a sort of quiet, high-pitched whistling noise like a discreet fart.

my feelings about big *c* are the discreet fart in my life. greeeat...

and i don't know how to fix that one, either. he's like my bio-father in that you can tell him his actions upset you, but he's so thoroughly convinced of his own rightness that he doesn't even SEE any problem aside from the fact you're nagging him. no one can get me from calm to homicidal instantaneously except for him. whenever i see him i smile, i make the small, inane talk, and sometimes i even wonder where we went wrong and what else i could have done to try and fix us. it gets me a little bit sad for li'l *c*'s sake, because a good kid like him deserves a mother and father in his life at all times, right?

but then big *c* will open his mouth, and i remember why i don't ever carry anything in my hands when i'm around the man. whatever i held would become a deadly weapon.

unfortunately, the house of dragon's rest (which really doesn't exist anymore except in my own heart) and big *c* are two very important relationships in my life. and i'm powerless to fix them, and i hate being powerless. unfortunately, i can't cure someone else's stupidity.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

My theory is that if we didn't have the bad then we wouldn't recognise and appreciate the not so good. There are always fucktards beyond our control and as much as we try to fix them they just keep hurting us till we realise that it's a hopeless proposition.

On the ex front I can give some hope. My ex was such a mess that I seriously considered a couple of offers I had to have him hurt or killed (long, long time ago) but now we can talk and laugh and get on well. It's taken 15 years but it happened and the funniest part is that I think he is one of the very few who get who I am 100%.

Hugs
Dizzy.

Greggo said...

having been there through the big *c* thing, my contempt for him is only marginally less than yours. i've wanted to strangle the boy on more than one occasion. he so often seemed completely blind to who you are. but you're right; you can't fix him, yet you have to deal with him because of little *c*.

so.... try really hard not to strangle him, at least till little *c* turns 18. ;-)

Yoga Gal said...

Yummmmmmmmm, lemon scones and Eral Grey tea! Yes, you can't cure anyone's stupidity that's why it's important to stop worrying where you went wrong just think how you can be better and wiser! You can improve yourself and the blessing in life is following your OWN bliss!

Bohemian Mom said...

But oh, you aren't powerless. You've taken much of your own power back!
However, cliche as it is, we cannot "fix" another person. We may try for years before we stop beating the dead horse, (I know I did), but some people aren't interested in a solution. They just have a need to be right ALL the time!
And if you have a difference of opinion, it's not an opinion to them...it's just wrong because it goes against what they think is right! (whew!)
Don't even know if that makes semse.
But you are wonderfully and beautifully growing into your happy place. You are fabulous and that's all you need to know!
Sometimes we just have to say..."fuck it"!