what's that word again?

from the oxford-delena dictionary

ambivalent
adj.

1. exhibiting or feeling uncertainty or fluctuation
2. the feeling within an individual of positive and negative feelings toward the same person, object, or action, simultaneously drawing them in opposite directions
3. the emotional state of juxtaposition
4. something i'm feeling so strongly right now it's actually tiring me out



i've given up trying to get greggo to see. some people are just determined to argue for their limitations. i really can't blame him for how sick he is. i used to be just as fucked up, and more.

i've sat here for almost two hours debating between myselves whether or not to blog, what to blog about, and then i remembered today was "what's that word again?" and them deliberated over what word to choose. i'm tired, cranky (because i'm tired), fed up, malcontented, restless, tired, impatient, excited, eager, hopeful, hesitant, unsure, tired, , afraid, adventurous...and in general about to pass out from the emotional exhaustion.

i drive around this town and realize all over again how fucking much i'm in love with it. i feel in the marrow of my bones and the crux of my soul, all over again, the spell i cast years ago that bound me to this place using my blood, my tears, and the ashes of beloved possessions of mine --love letters-- i'd burned in sacrifice. i'd severed bonds i valued, in order to create even stronger bonds that now tie me to this place.

usually, the sensation of them goes unnoticed, a feeling i'm so well-accustomed to that i don't think about it anymore. but lately i've felt them. they grow red-hot until bile and acid rise like a geyser to the back of my throat. they twinge at my third eye until the headache is unbearable. they pull at my ovaries until i lose my balance, gasping and sweating and pale from actual pain. they clench around my heart and my throat.

it hurts.