hurry up and wait

i realized the other day that november's already starting to pick up speed, and i've barely written a handful of posts in the last couple of months. i don't know if i've been totally unmotivated, if i've just been living inside my head, or if i've been holding my breath waiting for so many other things to happen that there just doesn't seem to be anything to say.

everyone around me here in my iVillage seems to be all about renewal, reflection, rededication, reconciliation, all these re's that i just don't feel right now. i feel all these desires and motivations inside me, like little jumping beans, yet i can't muster any feeling for them. i just don't care enough to make them a priority. even my little pleasure indulgences, like playing Oblivion or getting a pedicure. and we all know how much delena loves her feet and treats her little piggies like ten li'l wiggly princesses.

i've got a few huge changes coming up, some i've mentioned --like my big 3-0-- and others i haven't. i feel kind of like that woman who's just found out she's pregnant, but has had a few miscarriages in the past and so is hesitant to say anything until at least the first trimester's over. y'know...just in case. that's kind of how i feel: afraid and hesitant and unwilling to say anything just yet, in case plans fall through for any number of reasons.

with some things, for some mysterious reason that's not as mysterious as i'm letting on, i'm unwilling to place certain bets or believe certain things right now. one change includes the possible addition of a new person into my life, and a majority of myself only things, "i'll believe it when i see it." i'd love for it to happen, but i'm not gonna go out and buy five thousand shares of stock, y'know?

another change is just an old change with new wrapping. it didn't meet with a whole hell of a lot of success before, and i approach it with skepticism now. i know it's counter-productive. i know it. believe just takes so much energy right now. *ds* still hasn't received her inheritance check, and she and *ks* have been so "we'll A, B, C, and D...when the check comes." the phrase "when the check comes" has become so route that it's actually created a povlovian response in me now. i can't help it, but i just want to sigh and say, "yeah, right." i swear i hate that check, and it's not even here yet. every day i try to think of something to say when/if it finally does arrive, other than, "it's about fucking time." that wouldn't exactly be inspiring.

so many things that i just want to hurry up and get themselves happened, already! it's like i'm standing at a signpost that says, "please wait here...sucker."

stuck in a quagmire of waiting for things to happen. in the meantime, i go about life...but i swear there's simply no luster in things that used to give me such simple joy. i even look at my Notes from the Universe and have to make myself believe them and not delete them.

not to mention september and october had huge chunks where simply existing was exhausting. pronoia's taking a lot of effort lately. that's all.