magically Funkalicious

recently i've received a few emails that i just have to share because of how... oh, what are the words to describe them? they're just powerful, i guess. i'm always up here striving to express the Funk, singing praises of the Bombastic Jive and exploring new territory in pronoiaFunk and radical intimacy.

i have to share how bootylicious the people in my life are, too.

i got this in my inbox a few days ago from my pussygata:
yay! so go spend the next couple decades...having fun. your cake is baked and it smells delish! so now...it's all about the frosting pookie! yep, 30 is a gateway of sorts.

what she said reminded me of my conversation with a disillusioned heart:

me: *laughs* 'cept that now i can take that goo, like cake batter, and bake it slowly in the warmth of peace, forgiveness, and self-respect. spread the Funk on you like cream cheese frosting. when it's done, you'll be whole again. good as new, but stronger. denser. moist and sweet and delicious. maybe you, my oft-broken heart, had to be completely destroyed --frappéed, as you put it-- to put you into the perfect consistency for resurrection. wouldn't that be exactly what our goddesses do? compassionate destruction to utter completion? resurrection to a stronger, purer Self?

my Disillusioned Heart: shut up.

me: perhaps you had to utterly die, my heart, in order to truly live again.

my Disillusioned Heart: *quiet a moment* ...you sound like you actually believe this bunk.

me: i do.

i see in you, she went on to say, someone who began the race a mile behind everyone else who entered but...you ran hard and smart and TRUST ME...cuz im old...you are sooooooooooooooo way ahead of the pack...wise, calm and centered, introspective, so many other fabu qualities...those are things you only get from battling and kicking the ass of adversity. people with easy lives never ever ever have the opportunity to gain those qualities and i think thats what we've always seen in each other... like the only 2 english speakers in (ohhhhh say...)China. Like..SWEET I found someone I dont have to expain everything to, she just gets it, I fuckin love the poo outta you!

i love her way with words. not to mention reading her emails always has me grinning so hard my face hurts after a while. i just love her to pieces!

"someone who began the race a mile behind everyone else," she said. it's true, i did. i kept trying to find a way to express that, and she always finds a way to put it perfectly. and now i'm way ahead of the pack. i look up to her so much, and she's one of my role models. and then she goes and gives me that phenominal compliment...and that i know it's true only makes the compliment that much more powerful.

and then i wrote an email to my parents thanking them for all their parental support, since without them i wouldn't have come half as far as i have. and they both said it was all me, that i always had it in me, just needed a gentle nudge here and there. mom said it's all about believing in myself, which is totally true. and how proud they were of me...i loved hearing it.

just praise, no sarcasm, and real belief in me. talking with bug today about support networks, they're there for you when you really need it, through dangers untold and hardships unnumbered. and it's not even about believing in you no matter what; it's about believing in what they know they see in you even when you don't see it yourself. sometimes faith is simply called for, and that's your chance to prove you have faith in their greater wisdom and love for you...or when you show just what you really think of their faith in you. actions speak all, and letting go and trusting, loving, even as your world comes crashing down around you and heaven burns to the ground...you know what will stand in its place will be grand and beautiful and infinitely better.

cowardice vs courage, faith vs fear.

they're right, my role-models and teachers and parents. they're right about me, about my effort and abilities and how much i rock. and i might've had the potential and ability, but it never would have come about if they hadn't laid the foundation for me to stand upon.

and for that, i thank them, and love them, and sing their praises.

the delena FAQ

this excerpt comes from an interview with Delena of the Funky Wild, by world renowned bohippian Funkmaster Boho Mom:


1. For what reasons did you decide to start a blog? Has it evolved into anything particularly different for you than you imagined?

wow. well, as my long-time readers know (all 1 of them, ha ha), i had actually begun blogging as a sort of message in a bottle. this heralds back to the days, nine-plus years ago, when i had a website up and was sort of chronicling thoughts and observations about my explorative, spiritual journey away from roman catholicism and into pagan spirituality and witchcraft. i was coding all my own html back then, and finally decided that making an account for a blog would just be easier.

i was really depressed, really confused, and lonely. but i knew there was something better out there. and like pink from the wall, i was calling, "is there anybody...out there?" it was my first verbal cries for help, for sympathy, for human connection.

over the last nine years, three blog relocations, and many self-revolutions, my verbal-slash-emotional blogspatter's become what you see before you: iGoddess, a r[E]volution of spirit, freedom, and love. a place to explore the place within me --and within you-- where the Divine Wow connects with your own Inner Funk.

we come a long way, baby.

2. Why did you choose the name "igoddess"? Is this significant to your lifestyle, your beliefs?

i chose iGoddess because that's exactly what i am. i'm a goddess, a divalicious and funktastic goddess who found herself mainly through the incarnations of her blogging. i'd tried all my life to keep diaries, journals, and private writings of every caliber. but nothing survived until i came online and began to write privately for public viewing. i know, that makes no sense. but i took the saying, "the best place to hide is right out in the open," and made it true. and i found relief and peace by letting the public read my innermost thoughts, my darkest darkness.

the internet made this possible. i was really just searching for human connection, to know i wasn't alone. so i'm an internet goddess, an iGoddess.

it's definitely significant to my beliefs. every day i wake up and know i'm a goddess in my own right, living her life among other gods and goddesses. every member of this iVillage is a goddess and god!

3. You are an incredibly talented writer.

aww, thank you! =)

Have you taken courses, or do the words come naturally to you?

both, though the words came naturally first. when i was barely three, i sat down with books and taught myself how to read. letters just made sense, and after a year fiddling around with my colorful alphabet magnets on the fridge that i received on my 2nd birthday, the letters literally just fell into place and made sense. i was writing in perfect cursive by age four, without any instruction. if i may be granted a moment of utter pride, words were always my genius.

in school, i was pretty much always in the honors and advanced placement english classes, and i took creative writing courses in college. one of my professors even recommended me as a paid tutor at the campus writing lab. i turned it down, and college, in favor of running away from the House of Repression to get married and have babies. heh, oops.

4. You've overcome many obstacles in your life to get where you are today?

yes, i have.

What's the most difficult hurdle you've had to jump over?

me. it sounds strange, but i was my most difficult hurdle. just before richard and i had our falling out, he told me that i could never be honest with anyone until i got honest with myself. however, i was so unaware of what my problem was that it actually caused a mental breakdown as i tried to figure out what i was lying about. because at the time, i was utterly convinced i wasn't lying about anything.

as i like to say, "he who is unaware is unaware he is unaware." well, i was very, very unaware.

i was too close to the problem. that was the night i fell apart in hysterical tears in my parents' living room, the night they first came through for me as loving parents. that was my turning point, my transformation. i walked away from the mystery of what i was hiding from, and was able to get better. only with a bit of distance was i then able to see what i'd been hiding from myself, what i'd been unaware of all that time.

you really can be too close to a problem to see it. and i'll always be my biggest hurdle. that's just how it's supposed to be: we're always most resistant to change, especially when it's change within ourselves. (and i'm talking "real" change here, the kind that leaves you crying in the night; not pansy-ass, tepid gestures that cowardly fucktards make)

5. What are your plans for 2009?

to get down with my Funky self!

Any changes you want to make? Any resolutions? Anything in particular you are dedicated to this year?

this year is my Year of the Funky Wow. all year long i will walk through each day asking myself, "how can i live in the spirit of the Jiggy Funk?" i'll take the signs as they come. if i need to practice more compassion, i know the Universe in all its rocktastic wisdom will send me more opportunities to practice compassion. and when it's time for more pruning, the Vulture Goddess will once more burn my heaven to the ground. and...everything in between.

my only resolution is to be open to what the Funky Wow has to teach me, to be open to the opportunities and lessons 2009 will bring my way, and live as if i know greatness is my inevitable manifestation. building on the integrity and confidence i learned in the Year of the Delena, i'm now building a close relationship with the Divine Woot!.

i've gone back to school, am searching for a better job that's a good deal out of my comfort zone, and got down and dirty serious about crochet. i've joined the league of "Chicks with Sticks," oh yeah. plus, i'm still writing. i fell in love, and for the first time ever in my life know what it is to trust, to truly love, and to have an open dialogue with my intuition. growing upward and outward now, i'm more in touch with my creativity and female powers more than ever.

omg, 30's shaping up to be an awesome year. and i finally think the real world is ready for all of the real me. those who can't handle it, who don't get it, can quite frankly eat @#*! and kiss their mama with that mouth. with me, either hit the ground running or be taken for a drag.

i only run with rockalicious Funkmasters.

-=[@]=-

thank you so much, boho mom! this was so much fun! *blows kisses*

now to the darling fans of iGoddess: it's your turn!

your mission, should you choose to accept it:

1. Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me".

2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. (I get to pick the questions).

3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.

4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.

5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

delena: college student extraordinaire

i just got back from a meeting with my academic advisor. it was so exciting! in my placement testing, i had perfect scores in the Reading and Writing portions. what i learned is that i could actually test out of the writing prerequisites for my major.

killer! i was quite proud of myself, to be honest. but to be entirely truthful, the test was so out-of-mind easy...

but what an eye-opener! faires and vendors in the College Center building, flyers everywhere offering everything imaginable: trips, tutoring, jobs, workshops, performances, The Vagina Monologues... i don't remember my last sojourn into college being so excitingly bombastic, but i'm sure it had to be.

i sent *t* a text while there:
me: omfg, school is so much fun! :)
*t*: i thought u didn't start yet
me: i didn't. i just had my academic advisory mtg. but omg! and flyers everywhere, programs, workstudy... So much awesomeness!
*t*: i didnt realize how xciting that could b
me: it is! so many groups and programs offering help, and jobs, and getting to know ppl, and just a whole new adventure! it's hella thrilling. :)

maybe it's just me. there are so many more opportunities i see here now, and it's all being offered to me! just like that! i can't wait to finally jump in feet first as a student, to really immerse myself into all this wonderful collegiate atmosphere, and to really challenge myself and see what i'm capable of.

my first goal is an A average. that'll be easy to begin and maintain, especially in the beginning. since i'm paying for my own tuition, i don't think i'll be able to take more than two classes this semester, maximum. considering it's 70$ per unit, prolly more like just one class...

*disappointed sigh* but on the bright side, i'm a college student again!

...yeah, this is definitely part of my Funk.

the finer points of a good edumacation

so exactly one week ago, i took the plunge and applied for enrollment at Portland Community College, then sweated for two days while i wondered if i had done so early enough to qualify for Spring semester. turns out i had...plenty of time.

so now, in a few hours, i'll head to the nearest campus (there are three) to take my entrance exams. i'm quite excited, actually. i changed my major from English Literature and Shakespeare to...Archetypal Psychology.

quite a bit of a turn, eh?

and, funny enough, my other two bio-sisters are both psych majors. funny, isn't it? although i wonder, given our shared upbringing, just how funny-peculiar or funny-ha-ha it is. *k* wanted to be a social worker, last i heard. and *t* wants to go into sex therapy. both very active in the helping of people overcome adversity. me, i want to study mythology and archetypes, and see how they work with our modern difficulties.

more or less what i sometimes do here at iGoddess...only i'll have a Ph.D. after my name. which means really smart people who really only matter to other smart, silly, stuffy people will acknowledge what i've done for years is "real" and "certified."

kind of silly, i know. on the other hand, it's damned interesting and i know i'll be able to help a lot of people who will be ready for what i have to bring to them. it's already become obvious that i'll only put my gifts and education to use for people of a certain caliber who are ready for it.

but first...entrance exams. tomorrow, the world!

wacky wordle whismy of wowable works

i made this over at wordle, a place where you cut-and-paste your text, or enter a URL to a site, and it will create a word cloud of the most oft-used words in the piece. the larger the word in the collage, the more it's used.

of course, i immediately thought of iGoddess. i thought for sure the largest word would be "funk" or "funky," followed closely by "iGoddess."

it was fun, though. the words jumped out at me, individual in the word cloud, but something began to happen the moment my eyes saw this funkalicious word of art. (and no, that wasn't a typo.) i began to see phrases.

phrases like, "make love," and "get funky!" and "everyone is family around you." it was incredible. then more phrases jumped out at me. "sometimes emotional" and "free opinion!" and "just one love." i especially loved "power friends" and "new living."

hell, fear, struggle, and stupid were all clustered together. then again, so were caliber, integrity, friend, strength, thankful, faith, talk, hold, and might. all together, just hangin' out like they belonged together.

"little people always want everything," jumped out at me, too. and it's totally true.

i just may have to wordle iGoddess every so often, kind of like making a bouquet of my thoughts. i do enough pruning in my life, why not make a few bouquets as well?





(PS. i just saw another one: just let love make things funky. hells yeah!)

one hand giveth, and one hand...

oh, my Funkmobile,
lovely, perky Funkmobile,
i will miss you so.

so yesterday while i was out running errands with *cc*, the Funkmobile started acting funny. she'd been acting funny for a few months, and i knew it was approaching time to take her for yet another check-up. 1st gear was skipping on takeoff, and in the last week she stalled on me twice.

the first time it happened, i attributed it to the cold, frosty morning and the simple fact she hadn't been driven in a week since i was in florida. she was tired, cold, and cranky. i'd give out in a pout if i felt that way, too. so i let her rest, then started her up again (after a few tries). however, i'd done quite a bit of driving with *cc* and the Funkmobile was warm yesterday...yet she still gave out.

so i called the dealership while she and i waited in the parking lot to pick up *mj* after work. we dropped off the Funkmobile after dinner, and i waited all day today to find out what the damage was. i finally got a call around 16:30 from my friend at the service center.

$1500 and an aneurism later, *cc* and i drove to the dealership to look at just buying a new car.

oh, my poor Funkmobile.

oh, my poor nerves. i felt like throwing up all evening. this was not the way i'd wanted to finally upgrade my Funk Force Fleet, y'know?

ironically enough, as Asphalta, Goddess of Roads, Parking Lots, and Commuters would have it, as She was taking away my Funkmobile with one hand, she was benevolently heaping upon me opportunities with her other hand. *cc* put it beautifully:

"on the other hand, dear," she said to me, chilled hands wrapped around a steaming paper cup filled with creamy hot chocolate, "it's a whole new year, a whole new you, and a whole new car that will be much more reliable, for which i know i'll be much more comfortable with."

she has a point. it's part of why i love her so much: it's like being able to talk to a wiser version of myself with a much cooler head. and she has tons of insights i might never have, and a lovely point of view that's refreshingly different, but we're still on the same wavelength. sometimes we yell at each other to get out of each other's heads, we think so much alike sometimes.

have i not said that my 30th birthday was my turning point? a renewal of dee, a rebirth into wetter and wilder and far more interesting truths and dilemmas to challenge me. why not have a new car and put pedal to the metal headlong into my very own renaissance?

on top of that, with even more irony (i think the divine Asphalta is a bit of a trickster at heart) the guy who sold me the Funkmobile sent me a text message hours later asking me how the Funkmobile was. so i told him. he wants to buy it back from me and make the repairs himself. so the car that would have cost me $1500 is going to make me money instead.

my life. just. can't. suck.

to top it all off, i got a real navy peacoat today!!! i've been in breathless love with peacoats for years and years, and i finally bought one! oh my goddess, talk about totally effing WARM!! not to mention sharp, and beautiful, and just a feast for the eyes. oh my gods, i'm in love with my new peacoat! i think i'm gonna sleep with it. maybe i'll even marry it.

(ima love it, and hug it, and squeeze it, and name it "george.")

and that's all ima say about that

"doing the right thing is only difficult when surrounded by fucktards."
--me


my last post received a lot of positive feedback, to be honest. it makes me feel good to know my sight was true, and that as i become more honest with myself and more in alignment with Delena of the Funky Wild, my intuition is coming through loud and clear...and accurate. though i really hated being right in this instance, i know it was the right thing to do. the only person who gave me grief about doing the right thing was, naturally, a fucktard.

and no, he's not a fucktard because he doesn't agree with me. lots of people in my life completely disagree with me about 99.9% of life in general. but i get along with them because they have integrity. they're honest with themselves. they're true to themselves. they have the same intolerance for dysfunction i do, and the same grasp on the topics of character, emotional maturity, and the simple fact not all opinions are created equal.

and no, that's not a PC statement. the opinion that skin color and gender matters and civil rights should be outlawed does not have the same weight or value as the opinion a person should be judged on their merits, accomplishments, and character. i'm sorry, but it just doesn't. same goes for when fucktards open their mouths.

emotional dysfunction, juvenile self-righteousness, and unenlightened opinions denote a certain lack of growth that grown-ups have. in business and finance, it's the people with the best financial statements who carry weight. my opinion would be worth crap in that world, and i know it. my opinion is not created equal. in the personal growth arena where it means something to live a healthy, functional life in integrity, fucktards are stupid children who need to keep their mouths shut about things they know nothing about. and they definitely should have neither right nor room to be telling me how to live my life or giving me advice. children do not make suggestions to grown-ups.

it may sound arrogant, but in this field, ladies and gentlemen, i am a grown-up. i'm no thunder walker yet, but i do know a hell of a lot more than most people. and the more i learn, the more i grow and apply myself, the more i shed hypocrisy and self-delusions and fear, the smaller my crowd becomes.

this is as it should be. this lifestyle is not for cowards, or the tepid half-assed wannabes. this is hardball. less than one percent of high school atheletes ever get to play professional sports. it takes a certain caliber of athelete. the same can be said of living life with a solid character, living with integrity, living with courage and challenging fear, hypocrisy, and limitations.

lower caliber does not a fucktard make. i repeat: being unable to achieve that higher caliber of character does not make you a fucktard.

however, continuing to make stupid choices despite being shown a better, healthier way, or spitting in the face of someone wiser than you, or presuming to give advice to someone who knows how to do things better than you does make you a fucktard and you should sit down before you hurt yourself.

it may sound vicious and completely uncompassionate. it may sound totally discordant with the Funky Jive. it's not. this is the Year of the Funky Wow. love is alive and well in the universe, and life is bursting everywhere.

however...

the ice caps are melting, rainforests are being slash-and-burned into oblivion, and stars are going supernova all the time. Kali the Destroyer and Lilith the Night Mother are also alive and well and compassionately wiping out that which has lived out its usefulness. evolution continues. survival of the fittest will make sure that which refuses to grow to its fullest promise will be killed and eaten, its energy given to those who would use it.

and i will continue to grow. one day i will achieve the dalai lama's caliber, and i will shake my head at myself today as i remember how frustrated i was. after all, right here right now, the dalai lama's not in my face trying to get me to understand the world as he understands it. he doesn't care that i'm not there yet. and if i never get there in this lifetime, that's okay, too.

one day i'll stop caring that everyone i love can't reach this caliber. i see where i'm going, and i can see how fantabulous it is, and i want everyone to go with me. it's their stubborn insistence to holding onto their dysfunctional, fucktard ways that make me scream with frustration. there's no reason for them to drown in their own stupidity, but they continue to choose to do it for whatever reason. i can't understand it. it's such a diseased way of thinking that i actually get physically nauseated trying to wrap my brain around their fucktard motives.

i just can't do it. but i want so badly to help them wake the fuck up, and i try so hard. i try for years. i don't know why i insist on trying, on drowning on my own brand of fucktardness.

so i stopped. it was making me miserable, i saw i could live another way, and i took the better path. it means turning my back on a lot of people. that's okay. i have to sacrifice a little of my naivete, but that's okay. wisdom is the power of discernment, and the ability to make the best use of knowledge and discretion. it's collective knowledge and the ability to utilize it to best possible effect. naivete is the opposite, lacking knowledge and experience, and displaying a lack of judgement.

even mother theresa didn't live with the afflicted, the downtrodden, and the victims. she ministered to them, yes, lived among them and gave them succor. but she didn't live with them and let them weigh her down with their hopeless victim mentalities. there's a difference.

and that's all ima say about that.

it hurts to be stupid

stupidity causes pain, not only to yourself, but to those around you. whether they love you or not, stupidity certainly has an area affect and, sooner or later, you'll be affected by the insidious brain pain caused by someone else's stupidity.

it's taken me a long time, and a lot of work, to get to the point where i can let go and just say, "fuck it." it's not so much that i don't care, because i do, so much as it's the simple fact you can lead a fucktard to water, but you can't make them drink.

even if you siphon out the other end.

that's what led me to just up and get the hell out of living with *ds* and *ks*. my family'd been telling me for years they were hopeless fucktards, but i kept investing in them because nobody else believed in them. i couldn't just abandon them. well, now i see that there's a reason no one gives a crap about them. why waste time on fucktards?

and right now, i'm struggling with caring about how stupid my greggo's being about a woman who's not his wife. now, i've been saying for years that he should just leave her. but he won't. yet he continues to have emotional affairs with other women, and sometimes crosses the line into flirting with the physical limits of his vow of fidelity. "heavy petting" is still fooling around, in my opinion.

so my best friend is a cheater, which in my book is synonymous with "lying scumbag." and yet he continues to tell me i'm wrong when i express my disgust and anger that he could be so slimy. this "other woman" has issues, and the fact that she's even fooling around with a married man should say a lot about her lack of character. the very idea of her disgusts me. the very idea of the crap greggo's pulling disgusts me.

whether he divorces his wife and locks himself in a hotel room with this other woman, or whether he stays with his wife and dies of sexual frustration...neither really matters. but that he flouts his lack of integrity as a man, and writes about her on his blog like it's some gossip column and revels in the high school drama of the situation is absolutely nauseating.

making a mistake is one thing. he's not making a mistake. he's choosing to be scum. my respect and love for him as a friend of going on ten years...it's whittling away daily. he's been an emotional drain on me before, and made utterly unreasonable demands of me in the past, and there were a couple times we've dropped each other as friends. but we always meet somewhere in the middle and make amends.

making amends as friends is a good thing. if there were any romance between us, i'd say it was a recipe for a dysfunctional and co-dependent relationship. maybe i should take that, and his persistence in his scumbag behavior, as a sign.

leaving *ds* and *ks* to their own fucktard devices was a decision made in integrity. i simply could not and would not share a roof with them, when they were so utterly insistent upon spitting in the face of everyone who tried to help them.

and greggo? jeezus, i love him. he's been a part of my life for almost ten years. he understands things about me few people ever did, and as a man he had a totally different perspective on things that helped me quite often as i struggled through my soul work. but can i honestly remain friends with a man who disrespects his wife, his marriage, his integrity, and most of all himself? can i call a lying scumbag my best friend any longer? he won't listen to reason, he won't listen to anything. he just continues to edge his toes a little more over the line each time, and actually has the audacity to write about what a struggle it is?

what struggle is there? you're fucking cheating on your wife, greg. the only struggle is the fact that your other woman will let you do everything except put her ankles in the air. the only struggle is the fact you refuse to accept any consequences, and thus avoid making any decisions. you can't have both.

last year was the Year of the Delena. last year was about defining who Delena of the Funky Wild truly is, and coming into complete alignment with my truths. "living with integrity" isn't just about being honest. to have integrity means to be fully aligned with everything about yourself. the talk about the integrity of a building, and refer to its strength and ability to stand through any weather. integrity is about having a sound moral character, and to be "sound" is to be strong and free from defect.

to live in integrity, then, is to take all those things and have them all pointing in the right direction. streamlined. focused. aligned. having a friend who's cheating on his wife and insists on continuing to do so, then, would be having an aspect of my life that's out of alignment.

it's a difficult thing to have to admit, especially since he's such a longstanding friend. i love him dearly, i just hate his dishonesty, his cheating, and his cowardly avoidance of consequences by refusing to make a choice to a course of action.

but i can't make him do anything.

which leads to this year, which is the Year of the Funky Wow. how would the universe see this? on one hand, we are all the Universe, and the Universe is Love. Love holds hands with Compassion, and Compassion never judges. however, that's not to say it condones everything, either. on the other hand, the Universe also says that life is fleeting, and nothing stays the same. i've known for a long time i was holding myself back a little by continuing to be his friend. more and more, i see that he just won't ever grow even a little bit to make my maintainance of our friendship worthwhile. i'd depended on our love for each other and our friendship to make up the difference. and up until now, it has.

until he became a cheating bastard. of course, his marriage isn't my marriage. hell, his marriage sucks ass, and has for years. but that's not my problem. i can only have an opinion, and if ten years of friendship isn't enough to give any weight to what i see his marriage doing to him, then maybe he doesn't respect me nearly as much as i thought, either.

throughout my bad relationships, i've always ended up seeing my man through greg's eyes. he's always privately been one of the few men i compared my relationships to. they never measured up. and i've always come around to say, "yeah, greggo, you were right." though i might use different words. but because i respected our friendship, i gave him his tenure. he rarely gives me mine, and only after things utterly blow up in his face has he come back and said, "y'know, dee, you might have been right about something." i can't tell him what to do, but i also can't be his friend anymore if he insists on being a cheating scumbag. if his wife were one of my girlfriends, i'd be howling loud enough to peel paint off the walls about what slime he's been.

what can i do, if he insists on being a fucktard? my life is fucktard-free now.

...or is it?

given this situation with a friend i love dearly, which course of action is the correct one to live in accordance with the Year of the Funky Wow, and maintain the integrity i learned in the Year of the Delena? i'm afraid i already know the answer, and i'm kinda hoping i'm wrong.

daily deelite

daily deelite is back!! after a few emails with the lovelylicious and fabulously gorgeous jane at the painted house, i've come to realize that somewhere between then and now...i've undergone a transformation. like i told her, something's happened and i am changed down to my DNA. deeper. bigger.

not only are some things so clear to me now, so obvious, but i have to just smack myself upside the head and laugh. i never should have stopped my daily deelite.



1. always and ever, i'm thankful for my family. *cc*, *mj*, and i went out to my favorite place for dinner --mongolian gril, yay!-- and *cc* gave a toast. "here's to a new year, to being back with family where you belong, and fuck everybody else." she has such a way with words, it brings a tear to my eye. i love those words "with family," and "where you belong." which leads into my second deelite...

2. like the end of the Ugly Duckling story, i'm eternally happy and grateful to the universe for helping me find my swan family; people who recognize the kind of person i am, celebrate my unique Funkalicious streak, and encourage me to be even more dynamic, bombastic, and rockin' awesome.


3. i'm grateful for my kitty, the adorable and oh so cuddly rumbles. he's got so many nicknames here now, since he's so much bigger than any of the other kitties here. and we're not talking just a little bigger. no, he's got at least 3 pounds and is half again as wide as mookie, the formerly largest cat. he's so thick and burly, just a bruiser. but he's so gentle and is made up of nothing but soft fur and love. we call him Super Chunk, Schmoo, Schlubb, Tank, Thunk, and Little Pyro (he loveslovesloves candles, and the fireplace, lol). i love my kitty...

4. i'm thankful for getting as many chances as a woman needs to get it right. we're free to do it the way we want, and if things don't turn out exactly as we planned, we always have the greatest power available to us: the power to change our minds. we can turn around and retrace our steps back to the last time things made sense, or be free to choose an entirely new direction and blaze a new trail in total allegiance to our own truths. there are no rules to this, and every single tomorrow is what we believe and do today. we are amazing goddesses, and we are like aladdin with the magic lamp. in the original story, he was given as many wishes as he wanted...and so are we.

5. i'm thankful for Love. *sigh* i've been transformed. i remember Sonnet 148, my favorite of all time: "the sun itself sees not till heaven clears." heaven is clear, and the sun is shining! all this time loving and trusting my family has given me a strength i'd never have had if i only had myself to depend on as my bedrock. they are the cornerstone of my strength and my life. i would have stood on my own two feet and been just fine, with my family the strong foundation beneath my feet.

all this time, i thought it would weaken me to let someone else inside the walls of my secret garden. there are gentlemen out there, or men who fancy themselves as such. but they grew upset with me when they couldn't make me accept their help. but that vulnerability, that need for help sometimes, had to be freely given away. no one could take it. recently, i learned there is power in this, strong and magical and probably amongst the most ancient of magics: love, and trust, given freely. reaching out and taking someone by the hand, by my own choice, doesn't weaken me. it makes me stronger. it makes us stronger. and the trust that i will not fail this person, or that they will not fail me, is another form of faith. there's a saying that faith unlocks the door to heaven.

i remember this one time riding the Boomerang at Knott's Berry Farm. it's one of my favorite roller coasters of all time: in less than a minute, you hurl through six full revolutions, and then you do it backwards. there's one loop that's a double, and there's no acceleration through the second loop. you're going so slowly, it's pretty terrifying because it feels like the whole coaster's going to hit the apex and just drop. i used to hold onto the U-bar for dear life, trying to shove myself back in my seat. the U-bar rattled and shifted perilously, further feeding my fear. and then one day...i dunno. i was feeling wild and free. i was at the park with my friends, not my bio-parents, so something in me wasn't so rigidly locked down, and i just let go. i threw my arms into the air and howled on the ride, put all my weight against the U-bar and just trusted it would hold me.

...and it didn't rattle, or sway, or shift. with my full weight against it, with me trusting it to hold, it did. solidly. and the ride was no longer the terror-thrill it had always been. it was just...thrilling. i threw myself into it, full of faith unrestrained. nothing half-assed. and the fear just vanished. i realized that day that if you hold back and do things half-assed, just put your toe in and try things tepidly without really trying them, you'll never get anything out of life but shaky instability. and you'll always wonder why things keep giving out beneath you. only by going out full bore do you finally give the Universe the room it needs to shower you with all the blessings it truly wants to.

and this power...oh my Funky Wow. it's not just a feeling i have, but a damn certainty that i will receive everything i want and everything will happen exactly the way they need to, to give me the best possible happy beginning, middle, and end. it's hope, but unlike any hope i've ever felt before. i know that everything i could ever want is already mine, and it's as simple as that. i know it.

Faith, Hope, and Love. i finally get it. i've never been so strong, or so powerful, or so dang blessed! i'm in love. i'm living In Love.

May the Funk be with you.

thirty, flirty, and fabulous

there came a day thirty years ago, a beautiful and sunny Sunday when a fantasmic, divalicious soul opened her eyes and said, "today's the day."

she knocked on the door of her new mother's womb. or, more accurately, she threw open the doors with a whoop like a thousand cowgirls riding wild buffalo barebacked and bareskinned across the western plains, feathers and beads streaming in their unbound hair as ululating cries tear from their throats to the skies.

and all around the universe, beings and spirits and goddesses and immortals behind the visible Veil all gasped, turned toward one another, tugged on sleeves, and collectively began to murmur and titter and stir and talk excitedly amongst themselves.


"oh my GODDESS!"

"well, by the Jiggalicious Divine!"

"well Funk me running! by the Jiggy Snake, is that...Delena of the Funky Wild?"

*squeal!* "it is! it IS her!"

"...oh my Jiggy Snake! are the rumors true? is her soul really that bright?"

"you have no idea. her Funk is so bright, your soul could get a tan just by being in the same room with her!"

"that's so Funkaliciously awesome!"

and, as david copperfield says, i was born.

again.

more than ever, i feel like a completely new person: all the usual metaphors apply. the butterfly newly emerged from her cocoon, Year 1 of a New Era, the turn of the millennium, the sound of free-flowing water after the ice breaks of spring, the first rays of warm sun after a storm, a litter of wolf puppies playing on their first day leaving the den, the honking of a dragon hatchling with bits of egg shell still clinging to its nose and wings.

i can feel the strength and accomplishment of all the work and growing and tension of my twenties, all the suffering and depression and blood and darkness of my teenage years serving as fertilizer, and the twisted abuse and suffering of my childhood waiting patiently for me to turn around and study it with the clarity of hindsight...and begin to learn.

honestly, i don't know if i can truly convey the sense of accomplishment and newness i feel. that part of me --the dark, confused Me-- is truly laid to rest. that era is finished, and i learned everything i possibly could, grew as much as was divaliciously possible. i have everything i need for the next strong steps i take into the world, the universe, and from myself.

my inner work isn't finished, not by a long shot. but the time of going inward, of "living in" is finished. the catharsis is only catharsis if there is an end to it and a bringing outward of everything learned while down in the darkness. it's time for me to take my gifts, my wisdom, and my beauty, and manifest it out in the world, to serve my community, to make a truly unique contribution to my culture.

it's time to join the world of adults and accomplishment, creativity and manifestation.

a person in their twenties can still be a kid, kinda. the world is still new and fun, you're still learning the ropes, you still have a tacit license to do "stupid shit" and "get it out of your system." something changes. as shakespear says, "a man loves the meat of his youth he cannot endure in his age." sometimes you just look stupid doing something in your thirties that would be hilarious and forgiveable in your twenties. dunno why, but it's just how life works.

for christmas, i sent my bio-dad a copy of Woman Who Run With the Wolves, with a bookmark in chapter 6: Finding One's Pack, the theme of which was the study of the story of The Ugly Duckling. i meant it as joyful news, as a way to tell him that yes, i didn't belong in our family and i suffered greatly for it. but i've found my own kind, my own pack, and i'm thriving fantastically. not only that, but i had come to understand him a while ago and have moved so far beyond forgiveness --through our growing friendship-- that there's no longer any need for forgiveness.

we talked for about a half hour and...after so, so long...my bio-dad and i have walked through the place of truce, and finally come to a place of peace and mutual understanding. tonight, i finally tasted one of the sweet fruit borne of my years of labor.

i've also decided to go back to school. i'm starting completely over, dropping my previous English/Creative Writing major and going for my Doctorate of Archetypal Psychology. i want to follow in the footsteps of joseph campbell, robert bly, maureen murdock and clarissa pinkola estes. for so long believing i wasn't anything, i actually subconsciously ran away from the prospect of trying to amount to anything. never try, never fail, right?

well, that belief is so far behind me, so alien to Delena of the Funky Wow, that i just can't put up with it. i want to go Out There and achieve, to dedicate myself to something that will help and heal people and give me opportunities to contribute to a community that speaks to a deep part of me. i've been studying this type of thing for half my life. i want to commit my life to it.

...i've faced and begun to overcome my deep-seated fear of commitment. i want to live for something. i want to stand for something. Family will always be my pinnacle priority. Truth, Beauty, Freedom, and Love will always be my wards as a revolutionary freedom fighter. "may the Funk be with you" will always be my motto. but it's time for me to be just a little bit serious and accomplish work in the world. and i want to breathe new life into the archetypes of our collective mythology, to bring new life and meaning to my trickster "the archetypes are mutating!"

it's time to come up from beneath the ground where i've been doing my soul's work, burying myself up to the elbows in mater terra, Mother Earth, and to grow in Her garden and reach for the light. i'll flower in Funkybeautiful, dazzling colors. just watch me.

reach for the light. may the Funk be with you.
and Happy Birthday, me!

brezsny-on-the-blog

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Please don't wear a t-shirt that says what I saw on the canary yellow t-shirt of the Japanese tourist at JFK airport: "Sorry, I'm a loser." I also beg you not to read Ethan Trex's book *How to Seem Like a Better Person Without Actually Improving Yourself.* It's very important, in my astrological opinion, that you not demean or underestimate yourself in the coming days. In fact, I'll go so far as to say that you have a sacred duty to exalt your beauty and exult in your talents. Now go read Walt Whitman's Song of Myself, and periodically murmur the first line all week long: "I celebrate myself, and sing myself."


...this came none too soon.