1.17.2009

it hurts to be stupid

stupidity causes pain, not only to yourself, but to those around you. whether they love you or not, stupidity certainly has an area affect and, sooner or later, you'll be affected by the insidious brain pain caused by someone else's stupidity.

it's taken me a long time, and a lot of work, to get to the point where i can let go and just say, "fuck it." it's not so much that i don't care, because i do, so much as it's the simple fact you can lead a fucktard to water, but you can't make them drink.

even if you siphon out the other end.

that's what led me to just up and get the hell out of living with *ds* and *ks*. my family'd been telling me for years they were hopeless fucktards, but i kept investing in them because nobody else believed in them. i couldn't just abandon them. well, now i see that there's a reason no one gives a crap about them. why waste time on fucktards?

and right now, i'm struggling with caring about how stupid my greggo's being about a woman who's not his wife. now, i've been saying for years that he should just leave her. but he won't. yet he continues to have emotional affairs with other women, and sometimes crosses the line into flirting with the physical limits of his vow of fidelity. "heavy petting" is still fooling around, in my opinion.

so my best friend is a cheater, which in my book is synonymous with "lying scumbag." and yet he continues to tell me i'm wrong when i express my disgust and anger that he could be so slimy. this "other woman" has issues, and the fact that she's even fooling around with a married man should say a lot about her lack of character. the very idea of her disgusts me. the very idea of the crap greggo's pulling disgusts me.

whether he divorces his wife and locks himself in a hotel room with this other woman, or whether he stays with his wife and dies of sexual frustration...neither really matters. but that he flouts his lack of integrity as a man, and writes about her on his blog like it's some gossip column and revels in the high school drama of the situation is absolutely nauseating.

making a mistake is one thing. he's not making a mistake. he's choosing to be scum. my respect and love for him as a friend of going on ten years...it's whittling away daily. he's been an emotional drain on me before, and made utterly unreasonable demands of me in the past, and there were a couple times we've dropped each other as friends. but we always meet somewhere in the middle and make amends.

making amends as friends is a good thing. if there were any romance between us, i'd say it was a recipe for a dysfunctional and co-dependent relationship. maybe i should take that, and his persistence in his scumbag behavior, as a sign.

leaving *ds* and *ks* to their own fucktard devices was a decision made in integrity. i simply could not and would not share a roof with them, when they were so utterly insistent upon spitting in the face of everyone who tried to help them.

and greggo? jeezus, i love him. he's been a part of my life for almost ten years. he understands things about me few people ever did, and as a man he had a totally different perspective on things that helped me quite often as i struggled through my soul work. but can i honestly remain friends with a man who disrespects his wife, his marriage, his integrity, and most of all himself? can i call a lying scumbag my best friend any longer? he won't listen to reason, he won't listen to anything. he just continues to edge his toes a little more over the line each time, and actually has the audacity to write about what a struggle it is?

what struggle is there? you're fucking cheating on your wife, greg. the only struggle is the fact that your other woman will let you do everything except put her ankles in the air. the only struggle is the fact you refuse to accept any consequences, and thus avoid making any decisions. you can't have both.

last year was the Year of the Delena. last year was about defining who Delena of the Funky Wild truly is, and coming into complete alignment with my truths. "living with integrity" isn't just about being honest. to have integrity means to be fully aligned with everything about yourself. the talk about the integrity of a building, and refer to its strength and ability to stand through any weather. integrity is about having a sound moral character, and to be "sound" is to be strong and free from defect.

to live in integrity, then, is to take all those things and have them all pointing in the right direction. streamlined. focused. aligned. having a friend who's cheating on his wife and insists on continuing to do so, then, would be having an aspect of my life that's out of alignment.

it's a difficult thing to have to admit, especially since he's such a longstanding friend. i love him dearly, i just hate his dishonesty, his cheating, and his cowardly avoidance of consequences by refusing to make a choice to a course of action.

but i can't make him do anything.

which leads to this year, which is the Year of the Funky Wow. how would the universe see this? on one hand, we are all the Universe, and the Universe is Love. Love holds hands with Compassion, and Compassion never judges. however, that's not to say it condones everything, either. on the other hand, the Universe also says that life is fleeting, and nothing stays the same. i've known for a long time i was holding myself back a little by continuing to be his friend. more and more, i see that he just won't ever grow even a little bit to make my maintainance of our friendship worthwhile. i'd depended on our love for each other and our friendship to make up the difference. and up until now, it has.

until he became a cheating bastard. of course, his marriage isn't my marriage. hell, his marriage sucks ass, and has for years. but that's not my problem. i can only have an opinion, and if ten years of friendship isn't enough to give any weight to what i see his marriage doing to him, then maybe he doesn't respect me nearly as much as i thought, either.

throughout my bad relationships, i've always ended up seeing my man through greg's eyes. he's always privately been one of the few men i compared my relationships to. they never measured up. and i've always come around to say, "yeah, greggo, you were right." though i might use different words. but because i respected our friendship, i gave him his tenure. he rarely gives me mine, and only after things utterly blow up in his face has he come back and said, "y'know, dee, you might have been right about something." i can't tell him what to do, but i also can't be his friend anymore if he insists on being a cheating scumbag. if his wife were one of my girlfriends, i'd be howling loud enough to peel paint off the walls about what slime he's been.

what can i do, if he insists on being a fucktard? my life is fucktard-free now.

...or is it?

given this situation with a friend i love dearly, which course of action is the correct one to live in accordance with the Year of the Funky Wow, and maintain the integrity i learned in the Year of the Delena? i'm afraid i already know the answer, and i'm kinda hoping i'm wrong.

4 comments:

Shades of Scorpio said...

I must admit that I admire your adherence to integrity. That's a really tough choice. In my early 20s I was a friend who would keep your secrets and if you cheated right in front of me, think up a reason as to why it was ok (no one was married though). In my 30s, I've changed my stance heavily on this mostly due to some tiny movement in the maturation department (but not much - my ten year old laughs less at fart jokes than I do) but due to what you said regarding living in integrity....I finally checked my mail one day and that was my new zip code. I finally got the idea. I have a buddy who has gotten lost in another married man even though she has her own hubby. Eventually I did try to present to her that she needs to do her homework before figuring anything else out. Let the cage door open for the bird that has no choice. The married dude was yanked away by the scruff of his neck by the wifey. Hell for her and has been for almost a year and a half now on a daily basis. People need to Not Go There to begin with. We do have control over it. Good luck with your decision on whether to remain tight with your friend.

Greg said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
iGoddess said...

I deleted the above comment because of the post's self-righteous lack of understanding, and complete and utter mis-interpretation of the message i tried countless times to convey.

i didn't like the idea that people would see it, and think that iGoddess was about judgement, closed-mindedness, or a mean-spirited desire to stomp on other people's happiness.

the sad thing is that the person who posted it will never, ever see that without pretty much a near-death experience. maybe.

Carnal Zen said...

I have faced a similar issue and come to wonder which is more important - unconditionally love for my friend (after all it's not MY relationship they are dishonoring) or having friends whom I respect.

I have no answers for you...except that trying to change Greggo is an exercise in futility - at very least you should not engage or respond to his behavior. You're in my thoughts!