6.28.2007

delena's confessional

perhaps there's still a little bit of the catholic school girl in me after all, because i swear every title i could come up with for this entry had the word "confessional" in it. i suppose i have to wonder from whom i'm seeking to receive absolution.

and there's really only one answer for a good little witch like me, because we can forgive others, but it does us no good without forgiving ourselves.

i recently joined a virtual circle called rainbow dreams because mich is an absolute sweetheart and i adore her, i love her blog and there's always something there i can take with me for the rest of the day. like boho mom and me, she has very much rocked into Oneness with her own inner Funk, she just calls it by a different name.

her drummer's got a different beat, too, but it's gorgeous. sometimes i wish i could be as classy, poised, and elegant as she is but, alas, "queenly" is not one of my defining adjectives. i'm more street rat and funky, but that's okay.

anyway, every week mich draws us a card from her absolutely funktastic and vivid inner child tarot cards. i'm totally in love with the art on this deck, i swear.

this week she drew the Two of Wands, the card of inner transformation and the beloved self. "what does your original face look like?" she asks. "who is your true self? are you radiant and glowing?"

now, i could say that all a person needs to do to see delena's original face is to read iGoddess. my true self is plastered everywhere for anyone with internet access to read. and after marinating in the Funk for as long as i have, would i be anything other than radiant and glowing? of course i'm radiant and glowing!

but that would be a cop out. especially after the realizations i had yesterday. y'know, a part of me has always kinda wondered why i do a double take whenever i look in the mirror. it's almost always been that way. i look in the mirror, but i only glance, and i never look into my own eyes at first glance. but the feeling is overwhelming that i've overlooked something, that there's something else there, so i look again.

sometimes there's still trepidation whenever i look, a part of me wondering if i've dreamed the last year and the differences i remember seeing yesterday are going to be suddenly gone. it's fleeting, but sometimes it's there. i like what i see, though, when i look. in fact, i like looking. there's something there, though, and i'm not sure quite what it is. i have an inkling.

as for my true self...

she's quite a fluid concept right now. i'm not what i once was. the delena whom my southern californian family knew growing up is not the same delena whom my friends have grown up knowing for the past fourteen years. and she is not the same delena *mj* and *cc*, *ds* and *ks* and *kas* have come to know and love. and even that delena has grown into a completely different creature, transmogrifying before their very eyes, almost.



so i suppose the best i could say is that my "true" self isn't done and maybe needs to adjust a few more settings on the transmogrifier.

there are a few things that will never change, though, as much as i wish they might. this, i think, is where absolution comes in, because every single bloody day i try my hardest to be something i'm n--

well, that's not entirely accurate. i should've said that i try my hardest not to be something i am. which, i suppose might look like simple semantics but makes a huge difference. and every single day there's a little internal struggle as i fight to be smart and strong and slow and steady. but the fucking truth is that i'm adventurous and reckless and a hopeless romantic. the fucking truth is that once you're in my trust, there's no difference between you and any other member of my family. no more "delena lite," but the whole orgasmically delicious, totally organic delena in her entirety.

this is not always a Good Thing. just ask the people who've known me for ten years or more. and just the other day, *t* texted me and pretty much begged me not to be myself. "i'm trying," i texted back. "omg, you have no idea." i suppose there's a certain irony and fucking hilariousness when you realize that your true self is a detriment to yourself sometimes.

'tis the Year of Secrets, entering the last semester of my last year before graduation from this chapter in the Delena Saga of Funky Wowness. and if memory serves, in both high school and college, the last semester was always the killer. i have a feeling the things i'll be facing pretty soon will be more difficult than i thought.

unless i'm going about this in entirely backwards fashion. is my true self truly a detriment to myself? in the Funk According to Delena, the answer is most assuredly a resounding No. my judgment might have been flawed, but my nature was always above reproach. as it is with all of us.

so how does this fit?

how does my true self fit this without fucking up?

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

this is a great entry (to no one's surprise!). my fear for you has always been... your passion. you throw yourself so completely into things (or people), sometimes prematurely. that aspect of your true self is scary to me, as someone who loves you, and doesn't want you to get hurt.

it's also one of the things i love most about you, and is most quintessentially you... and is something i most wished i possesed.

but, most importantly, i think you HAVE changed, even in that aspect. not that you're not passionate - for then you would no longer be delena - but that you've learned to balance that passion with reason. you ARE ready, love, for whatever awaits you.

~greggo

Sacred Suzie said...

You sound like a fascinating person, I am so happy to have found you via the virtual circle. It sounds like you're going through a transformation but still know who the core you is, that's our life preserver isn't it?

Passion is essential. I couldn't be me without it either. It does frighten some people but there are others who love it, I promise.

Anonymous said...

Something that doesn't have the capacity to be fucked up somehow probably isn't worth the worry and the effort.

Whichever fuckwit said that the best things in life were free hadn't thought of the price you pay with every fibre of your being. The fear, the excitement, trepidation, the absolute joy and absolute sorrow all play a part in making you somehow different to who you were before.

It's called a learning curve dear girl. ;) You know as well as I do that everything has a lesson to teach and you've learned to attend class a bit more often than you used to. hehe

Balance is key and you have to be careful that you don't tip the balance too far on the side of caution.

Live, Love and Laugh.
I think I used to wish you love, laughter and light...well you found your light so now you have to live, laugh and love.

Dizzy

iGoddess said...

that's so hilariously ironic, because as a student, i was such a straight arrow... never ditched, never played hookie, never lied, cheated once to help out a friend and turned myself in, lol.

guess being a student of life got the short end, because i was so burned out in public and parochial school that by the time the *real* lessons hit, i was off having fun. =)

mich said...

Aw, gosh, gee ... *blush* thanks ... but honestly ... I love the way YOU write! Oh, and have I mentioned I've started using the word FUCKTARD? Yes, it perfectly describes my boss ... now the rest of the team use it too ... I bow in the presence of Her-Esteemed-Funkiness iGoddess!!