what's that word again?

from the oxford-delena dictionary

amazing
adj.

1. surprising greatly
2. inspiring vast amounts of astonishment in a positive fashion
3. what trying on delena's life feels like


this afternoon i got off work exactly at 13:00, as scheduled. my 08:00 appointment stood me up, but it worked out because a walk-in low-shed came in an hour later. i received nothing but compliments and courtesy from customers today, face-to-face and over the phone. one particular trouble customer that everyone else said was a total heifer was beautifully pleasant to me. i clipped her yorkie and she left with a smile. customers requested appointments, but at my convenience, when the shop wouldn't be so busy. they asked my opinion on particular issues regarding their pets and made me feel i was the only one in the world qualified to answer their questions. all the other girls in the shop were stressed out and griping and trying really hard not to snip at each other...

...and i was the warm, juicy center everyone crowded around. well, not really. no one wanted to be around me because i was too happy to be brought down by their snipe and venom, drama and politics.

i'm finally back down to a five day work week, after an incident last week when i tried to get friday off and was called in anyway. after memorial day, when i lost all feeling in my legs with two hours of my shift yet to go, and then woke up and cried tuesday morning because the back pain was crippling, then wiped my tears and got ready for work anyway...yeah, i was ready for a break. i really don't cry much, and already i've been reduced to tears twice in the last few months. but i came in, and was thanked profusely. my effort has been noticed and much appreciated. i was given two days off back to back but i'm keeping my full-time rap. i'm finally being put into the system as qualifying for benefits (thank the Wild Divine). i made an extra thousand dollars for the shop last week, which is awesome.

i ask, and the universe answers. actually, i've been doing quite well with my homework from mr. brezsny last wednesday, aggressively searching for the information that will help change my mind about two of my most long-standing worldviews. my two new ideas are rapidly turning from head-thoughts into heart-beliefs, and it's a wonderful thing.

remember that idaho boy i mentioned earlier? well, quite unlike my past pattern of keeping it to myself and not caring about the opinions of the people around me, i've been keeping my family appraised of the situation down to the pleasant details. remember what i said about thinking i might be ready for some company? companionship, friendship, chemistry...remember all that?

so far, the family likes what they hear. a lot, actually. he's decided to make the nine-hour trip this weekend so he can meet my parents, actually. this sits very well with my father, who is more protective than my bio-father ever was, and yet i not only accept it, but i accept it joyfully. the difference? respect. much respect, and love. of course, if my father says 'no,' then that'll be the end of the idaho boy, but i don't think it'll come to that. he's got a lot of points in his favor, according to my dad.

i'm almost giddy with anticipation, but i'm making sure to keep myself in check. the last thing i need is to get my head lost in the clouds again. i want to do everything right this time. for once, sheesh... i want to keep my feet on the ground. if my heart goes floating up in the stratosphere, i want a string firmly attached so i can rein it back in at need. it's one thing to surrender joyfully to the bombastic and funky Wild Jive and get down with my funky self, but it's quite another to be stupid. i refuse to be stupid.

and yet, already i can't help but look around and i'm imagining what it might look like through his eyes. it's like introducing a totally new part of me: my city. my world. it's as much myself as, say, my family, or my sanchez nose. but...i'm actually, truly considering letting someone in.

for the first time, ever.

the difference? i know i'm totally fantastic and complete unto myself. someone as wonderful as him could only enhance the living experience, but life is just as bombastic and Funky whether he's in my life or not, and my feet are sure beneath me. i don't need anyone to be my foundation. and that is the lesson.

he's coming on saturday. there's a spark inside me that could grow into something...well...something big. work is fantastic. the Funk continues to be its funkalicious self, and we groove to the rhythm together. i am secure within myself. my homework is coming along great, mr. brezsny. and do you know how it feels?

abso-fucking-lutely amazing.