love actually...

Whenever I get gloomy with the state of the world, I think about the arrivals gate at Heathrow Airport. General opinion's starting to make out that we live in a world of hatred and greed, but I don't see that. Seems to me that love is everywhere. Often it's not particularly dignified or newsworthy, but it's always there. Fathers and sons, mothers and daughters, husbands and wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, old friends. When the planes hit the Twin Towers, as far as I know, none of the phone calls of the people on board were messages of hate or revenge. They were all messages of love. If you look for it, I've got a sneaky feeling you'll find that love actually. . .

. . . is . . .

. . . all around.
-quote from the movie "love actually"


i just finished watching one of my all-time favorite movies. it's not one i've memorized; i don't know all the lines. i know some, though, and of course i know all my favorite moments. it's the movie love actually, with a whole slew of big names.

but that's not why i like it so much.

it's not huge and jam-packed full of action. it's not life-changing or world-saving. in fact, it's quite ordinary, with quite ordinary people (well, except for the british prime minister...) leading quite ordinary lives. the plots are small and, well, ordinary.

a man lost his wife and helps his son work through his first serious crush.
a mousy-yet-adoringly sweet woman chooses her priorities.
a man, hitting mid-life, faces temptation, slips, but nothing happens at all.
a man and woman, who can't even speak to each other, fall in love rather quietly.
a sweet and starry-eyed young bride realizes someone's loved her from afar.
another young man --young, dumb, and full of cum-- goes to america to get shagged.

i mean, they're nothing. and yet they're everything. it's not about the first crush, or the fact the kid's a bit young to be "in love." it's not about getting laid. it's not even about romance and falling in love. it's about being validated as a person with feelings. it's about choosing what really matters in life. it's about being true to yourself. and it all comes together in the end.

like it always does.

of course, there's also the simple fact that i'm reveling in my ability to watch chick flicks with impunity right now, since when *m* comes back i'm going to be bombarded with guy flicks and action and sci-fi and i'm going to get laughed at for wanting to watch my one vieja movie. ha.

y'know...i've been called a coward for a little quirk of mine, speaking of love and being true to myself. whenever it's something really important, i will refuse to say a word. i know, i know. i talk a lot. i talk all the freakin' time. i even talk when there's no one there. i'm mexican. sue me. we talk all the time, and we talk with our hands. people tell us to stop shouting, and dios mio, we're just talking! que la chingaso, i swear...

but anyway, i do. i'll shut right up and sit down to write. writing is the thing i do best in this life, above all other things. some people have said it's cowardly that i can't say a thing to someone's face, but i say it's the bravest thing i can do to write something so personal and allow someone else to read it. besides, anyone who knows me and has talked to me knows i babble like an absolute cretin, and when i'm nervous or embarrassed --as i get when talking about personal things-- i tend to run off at the mouth and go off on hundreds of tangents and just embarrass myself further.

which makes things worse, of course.

and yet...there's something to be said for my words on paper, or on a blog. right here, right now, you have opened my heart and are reading each and every word imprinted upon it. you are reading down into the deepest part of me.

to me, nothing says "of highest importance" than me writing a letter, or a blog entry, or a note...whatever...and allowing it to be read. when it's too important for spoken words, or too deep a part of my soul for sound, i write.

i write because i don't want to mess it up, these things i need to say. i know i can express it beautifully, eloquently, and lacking my usual graceless and accidental comedy. most of the time, i know, i'm a bit of a punch line and taken none too seriously. i'm the dear fool you keep around and pat on the head and tell to go sit down before i hurt myself.

i know this, too. i've cultivated this because i love to make people laugh, and it never does any good to take one's self too seriously. so, of course, those times i do manage to say something serious, and intelligent, and insightful, someone else's reply is along the lines of, "yes dear, whatever you say."

and yet, if i write it...?

honestly, i know full well if i were to actually open my mouth and say half the things i say here on iGoddess it would sound so hokey, happy, hippie-shit nonsense no one would ever let me operate heavy machinery or drink alcohol ever again. i'd be signed up for Fucktards Anonymous faster than you could say, "well THAT was fucktastic..."

and yet even more honestly, there's so much i hold back from iGoddess that sometimes it makes me sad. my one and only rule is "no censorship." it's been that way since the first incarnation of iGoddess, back when it was "haven" five years ago. a part of me feels that i'm just not ready to share it yet. i would be ready, if. . .

but no. i won't be stupid. i won't. half the time i'm using comedy as a shield and i know it, but that's just so people won't see how deep the feeling really goes. it's my own fault, but i can't seem to stop myself. i make them laugh so they won't, y'know. . .

. . . laugh.

i suppose even wonderiffic, bootylicious, Funktastic and pronoiac Delena of the Divine Wow's still human and feels uncertain sometimes.