what's the word?

from the oxford-delena dictionary

dreamer
n.

1. one who dreams
2. a visionary
3. someone guided more by ideals and higher aspirations rather than practical considerations
4. someone delena met today


i spent my day off with a friend of mine from the salon, *v*. she's been "one of the other groomers" or "one of the other girls at the salon," on iGoddess, but today she's earned a name. we've always been friendly, and from the very beginning she reached out and tried to make me her friend. of course i was open to it, and she's absolutely great.

she invited me to her house and we played videogames, ate chinese takeout, and drank energy drinks and watched movies. i brought my xbox 360, MY baby. i bought a new game, an extra controller, and signed up for EB/GameStop's card just because of today.

it was worth every shiny penny.

she let me into her life, and i loved what i saw. she was excited to show me what she'd only shared with her husband, her life of dreams and goals and passions. i met a family of huge dreamers. shel silverstein's lilting words kept singing in my head as i spent my day in her home and her life, as i listened to the glorious trilling of her daughter's small voice, as i joked and laughed with her and her husband. . .

if you are a dreamer, come in. if you are a dreamer, a wisher, a liar, a hoper, a prayer, a magic-bean-buyer, if you're a pretender, come sit by my fire. for we have some flax-golden tales to spin. come in, come in...

she's certainly a dreamer, a wisher, a hoper, a prayer. and they're not afraid to dream BIG! like, BIG big! she created a scrapbook, a work-in-progress, of all the dreams and wishes she has, all the things she sees for herself and her family. all the wonderful places she wants to see, the health she wants to be in, the "financial freedom" she talks about with diamonds in her eyes and glitter on her tongue.

but she believes.

it was beautiful. and she has faith she can touch and hold and smell and taste and live and sleep those dreams in their waking life. and he believes it, too. they're so perfectly matched in their dreams and aspirations, and in their fearlessness to believe they can dance along the milky way.

"i want a lamborghini!" she said in the car as we were driving me home, and started talking about what color it would be. she couldn't decide between two colors. it was all but already hers, and her husband smiled and said, "you can have both."

i smiled to myself. i want a 1970 VW squareback, navy blue. or that awesome 1970's pea green everyone hates but i love. or a 1967 chevy pickup, canary yellow, because yellow is such a happy color. that's as far as my thoughts of cars has gone, aside from one day regaining my status as a BMW owner, because by the gods how those cars handle...

but compared to *v*'s dreams, mine are so modest, and as we sat on her bed looking at her scrapbook, i realized the components of my dreams are the stuff of her reality.

as is.

she has a loving relationship with a man who values her. they're so good and generous to each other, and yes it takes work, but it's there. being her girlfriend, i'm let in on those confidences women share with each other about their lives, so i know it takes work. but work accomplished in love is not work, it's a gift given freely. and they give, every minute of every day. she has a beautiful little girl full of life and energy and those bright, shiny things that children are made of. she knows where she is, what she wants, and she has a family she helped build herself.

family is my passion. i've yearned for a family my whole life, even going so far as to dream of the picket fence, toys in the yard, family dog in the backseat with the children and little league gear. i tried so hard to foster that with big *c*, but he would have none of it. my bio-parents knew nothing of family. i changed my last name in order to solidify a sense of kinship with people who had built their own family together. i adopted my parents as wholeheartedly as they adopted me. i take my honor as a sister and daughter seriously, and love my family with joy and passionate belief.

as much passion as *v* has for her own dreams. but there was something about her family that made me ache inside, if only just a little, in that little place in my heart that still kinda dreams about that sort of family of my very own. i miss the excited treble cry of, "mommy!" ringing like bells and birdsong in my ears as a grinning bundle of three year-old comes tumbling into my arms. i miss it with an ache i hesitate to go near, because i know if i touch the tip of it i'll feel the entire submerged iceberg. i know it seems backward, but it's the reason i don't call li'l *c* as often as i want to, because that excited shout --"mommy!"-- hurts exactly as much as it heals.

my dreams are very modest. i want freedom, which i have. i want love, which i also have. i want to be surrounded by a family who loves me, supports me, and builds me up --which i have. i want happiness and the Funk, which i have in spades. as of right now, dear Funky Yayness, my life is perfect and only getting better every single day.

you could say i've accomplished my dreams and i hold them and live and breathe and taste and sing them every moment of every day. i thank the universe a dozen times every day, and a dozen every night, for the blessings it showers upon me every moment. it gives me exactly what i need exactly when i need it. so. . . i hope one day i need a family of my own like *v*'s.

it's this little dream i have. . .