stepping out of "me" and into alignment

there were a few posts a while ago where i talked about not harping on finding my Funky groovemate and instead becoming my own Funky groovemate. i started loving myself, accepting myself, and in general being someone that i would love to hang out with.

i took myself out on dates to movies and dinner, and learned to love being alone under the great blue sky. i read books i loved, wrote blog entries that made me laugh, and used all my Funky cosmic power to learn to love everything about me. i began to draw towards me those things, people, and events that helped maintain this new delena-love and challenged me to multiply it and focus it outward in an act of loving the world.

it's come back to me a hundredfold.

but one thing that was not in keeping with my swingin' hippie-shake of peace and love toward my fellow humans and my own juicy self was a certain misalignment toward the whole concept of love, radical intimacy, and marriage.

you see, certain members of my lovely family are rather cynical in my opinion. this doesn't diminish my love for them, and i don't judge them for it. however, i used to permit their harsh edges to injure me in small ways, usually when i opened my mouth to express some soft-edged observation or opinion that comes from my corner of Funkalicious love, compassion, and faith in humanity. i might even daresay a little naïveté. i don't see the jagged edge of society that they do, and i admit i've always been rather sheltered from things like that: i don't know the nicknames for street drugs, i underestimate the lengths people will go to for money, and my ability to recognize the power-hungry and controlling is severely limited. i believe in the innate goodness of mankind, and i truly believe it's protected me from being severely injured by life.

after all, nothing's been done to me that's scarred me for life. throughout it all, i've maintained my ability to love and be loved, haven't i?

so, because of my family's gritty and experienced views on life, i've often felt quite embarrassed to express such things as, "i want to be in a wonderful marriage," or "i want more children," or even, "love is out there for me. i know it!" i had a disasterous relationship with *m*, and my efforts to give him so many chances to prove his character was a stupid judgement call. i know i ignored my intuition where he was concerned, and the whole thing ended stupidly. because of that, i feel this added pressure to...well, while it's not a pressure to "be perfect," it's certainly a feeling that i really don't have room for any more mistakes pretty much of any kind. i'm intelligent, saavy, and have wonderful resources to draw upon. mistakes like *m* shouldn't happen.

i'm human; mistakes will happen, but it's how i bounce back that matters. however, the pressure is there. i don't want to disappoint my family again, and i want to reflect well upon my parents. they have so much faith in me.

it felt kind of stupid, childish, and silly to express my provincial desires for careerlovemarriagechildren. didn't i have enough in being a good daughter? a good sister? love wasn't all it was cracked up to be, right? marriage was a pain in the ass and the pains outweighed the blessings most of the time, right? i mean, *cc* kept telling me to go the casual sex route: get what i wanted, then continue my independent, merry way. best of both worlds.

i felt outvoted and rather diminished, like a simpleton in a family of geniuses. but i wasn't. i simply believe in looking for the goodness in everything around me, in having faith in people, in raising the bar of my expectations and being a beacon in the night for All That Is Good. it seems childish, but it's not. it's childlike, and there's a difference.

so my first goal, if i wanted to find and build a rewarding, intimate relationship with a good man, was to become in alignment with myself. have you ever seen a person who said they were "fine," but you knew they were seething inside? their little "act" wasn't so convincing, was it? and didn't you just get a sort of creepy feeling being around them, like their conflict was so tangible it grated on you? made you uncomfortable?

well, being out of alignment in any of your true desires is like that, and people around you can sense it. if you want something --more money, a better car, a rewarding relationship, more time to spend with the people you love doing the things you enjoy-- but you tell yourself that you're content with what you have and you don't need those things...that's being out of alignment. it's dishonest. now, if you truly are content with what you have, that's different. but even the satisfaction with what you have can be in the presence of a desire to have more, to be more, and to know there's something out there that's better. that is being out of alignment, even if you've buried it deep down.

it comes out in a myriad of ways, and the dischord within you is actually repelling those things away from you that you most desire to attract. what i did was actually just sit down with myself and admit out loud what it was i wanted. i'd spent so long trying to convince myself i didn't want those things that i now had to get comfortable with them again.

"i want to be married," i said. it actually felt weird saying it, but i made myself keep going. "i want to be happily married to a wonderful man, and to have a lasting connection and radical intimacy." then i went even further. i defined those terms: radical intimacy, lasting connection, relationship, wonderful man, and happy marriage. i fixed them in my mind. when i was comfortable with that, i felt a peace melt within me, and it suffused my entire being. i had admitted to myself and the universe what i truly wanted...and my smile was no longer fake.

next i went out and declared my desires to friends i trusted whom i knew wouldn't laugh at me or discredit my desire by putting it down. when i was comfortable with that, and now even more energized by my friends' support, i posted it on my blog. i told my family. and i think because i was coming from a place of genuine alignment, of confidence and faith in my endeavor to realize my desires, they received it well. they support me.

i stepped outside of focusing on "me" like a wheedling, whining child, distanced myself from my ego and insecurity, and stepped into alignment with my true desires.

i became that much closer to resonating the frequency of my own inner Funk.

i spoke my Truth, and i owned it.

that was the beginning of the Revolution.