The Creative Power within us makes us into the image of that to which we give our attention. We are Thinking Substance, and thinking substance always takes the form of that which it thinks about.
--Wallace D. Wattles, The Science of Getting Rich pg 49
if that's the way it works, then these are the things upon which i choose to give my unwavering focus. and if this is the way it really works, then this daily exercise is the most valuable thing i could ever do for myself and those i love...
1. i am now in a place where i can actually express true, honest gratitude to all the contributors to my Summer of Funky Kali Love. but especially to willow, richard, and rosemary, if they were standing before me right at this minute, i would put my hands together and bow deeply to express how grateful i am for their harsh treatment and swift, misguided judgement. and no, not for the reasons people might think. i am grateful because, until that moment, i'd always had the luxury of affixing my identity and goals to those of others because i was adrift. by cutting me loose, i was free to be true to myself without the added pressure of feeling disloyal to people whose dreams were not my own.
because they kicked me out of eden, i was removed enough to realize eden was not for me and never was. i was able to follow the true heroine's journey: i suffered a loss that mortally wounded my spirit; i followed persephone and abducted myself to the underworld, became my own master of the skills Lilith taught me and learned to love the darkness; i rose again, fully in my power as a woman, witch, and shining being.
i never could have done that had i still been latching myself to others out of fear and insecurity. so for that gift they inadvertently gave me, i am so grateful.
2. i am grateful for the abusive experiences which made up the fabric of my childhood. it's given me an insight and inner strength that many people will never have. it's given me an awareness of my surroundings, and finely-honed empathy, that takes most people a few decades into their adulthood before they develop that same gift...if they ever do. it's also given me the ability to feel things more deeply than i think a lot of people do. my spectrum of emotion goes to great lows, yes, but the eternal balance is that my highs are just as powerful. and it's impressed upon me great value and appreciation for love and loyalty.
i don't know who said it, but yesterday i heard this quote: "Judge me not by the heights to which I have climbed, but by the depths from whence i've come." taking these words into account, then considering where i'm going...you'll be seeing me atop mt. everest. i don't have to try and build inner strength, discipline, or burning desire. they were already forged when i was a child, and for this i am grateful.
3. i am grateful, also, for how difficult and life-threatening my pregnancy with li'l *c* was. in those nine months of hell i was given the opportunity to prove to myself and others just how strong my love can be, and what i am willing to face for love of a child i carry. knowing this, knowing i might very well face it again, when i say "i want more children" it leaves no room for doubt or mystery on anyone's part how serious i am. people ask, "are you sure? you know what you went through last time."
i turn to them and say, "so do i. how can i be anything but sure, then?" from day 1 of pregnancy, i was tested, and shown the real costs that come with motherhood, so there was never a fantasy in my mind of it being all fluffy-bunny picnics and sunshine. from day 1 i sacrificed, i toed the line of kidney failure, and on his birthday we both almost died. no, there is no doubt in my mind, and now i know the lengths i'll go to be a good mother, and i know i'll put myself --body and soul-- on the line for my children and never hesitate. for this knowledge alone, i would do it all again. i'm grateful for it.
4. i am grateful for every abusive relationship or experience i've ever had. not that i would choose to repeat them, but they helped me grow and taught me many, many things about myself, others, and life in general. true, i had to go through certain scenarios a few times, but once i finally Awakened and learned what i needed to, it catapulted me into a completely new level of thinking and understanding. not only this, but armed with this knowledge of experience, i now am better equipped to raise my iGoddess child when she's finally born. coupled with the things my childhood taught me, the iGoddess child will be a strong, aware, independent and confident girl-child who will grow into an amazingly strong, flexible, loving and fully whole woman complete unto herself. this knowledge i can pass on to her from a place of deep knowing, not just theory. i'll be able to not only warn her of the pitfalls of hormones, seduction, and fairy tales, but teach her how to recognize them and share my own experiences. and then i can also hold up my healthy, fantastic marriage as the shining example to which everything else might be compared. because, as we all know, i will live my happily ever after.
and i'm grateful for the path that has led and will continue to lead me there, bad relationships, abuse, and all.
5. and lastly, i am grateful for love. in all its forms, i am grateful for the love i have in my life. there are my parents, my nine brothers and sisters (and even though i haven't spoken to *k* in years and likely won't again, i'm sure she still at least loves me for the sake of our good years), some very dear friends (like my sheree, and greggo), and my vast mexican family. there's a lot of abundance in the love i enjoy.
and last night, a very strange thing happened. and by "strange" i mean somewhat extraordinary, or curious. maybe even striking. but it was strange. remember that nice young gentleman i'd mentioned a little while ago? we've been seeing each other quite regularly but, like i said, he hasn't instigated "the talk." i continue to be happy waiting for him to bring it up in his own way, for men are such skittish creatures and unless they think something their own, original idea, show them something new and they have a tendency to scream and run away. the poor dears.
anyway, last night he invited me over. we watched the Olympics Women's Beach Volleyball, and a documentary about String Theory on NOVA he had on dvd. he rummaged around the cupboards for pasta, picked a few leaves off his basil plant, and we had basil (and GARLIC) pesto. we talked about the house he's bidding on. we brought the mattress from the fold-out bed down to the basement because it was kinda too warm upstairs.
in other words, we did absolutely nothing special.
but we were curled up together and i thought he'd already fallen asleep. i was dozing off myself, completely relaxed, when he folded his arms around me, held me very close, and kissed me. i think i was so relaxed and half-asleep that i just acted reflexively and kissed him back, and like someone else's voice entirely, i heard it in the back of my head: "i love you..." i didn't have the energy or capacity to be surprised by it until the next morning when i remembered.
i suppose this means i'm in love. maybe. it's not like what or how i usually feel romantic love, though. it's quieter than usual, relaxed and understated. fiery passion isn't any part of it, that hot and burning and dramatic eros. it's more of an easy affection that's comfortable and friendly. it's the kind of feeling that's happy to lay his head on my lap and run my fingers through his long hair while we watch dvd's of NOVA documentaries and talk about the 11th dimension. (because yes, we do that) it's the kind of feeling that makes my body react without thinking when i find myself automatically massaging his feet while we talk about the psychological and sociological impact of race, gender, culture, and language upon an individual or debate the rammifications of faith in exercise of the Law of Attraction (yeah, i know, our conversations just aren't normal...). it's the kind of feeling that's just playful, and so dang comfortable, when we're in his kitchen teaching him how to make pesto, or spanish rice, or spaghetti. it's the kind of feeling that makes me so eager to share with him the things that i know, and keeps me so eager and open to learn those things he knows and shares with me.
it's the kind of comfortable as if i'd known him for years, but i know he would keep me learning as long as i knew him. it's not nearly as dramatic or intense as i'm accustomed to, but all the same, i was relaxed enough to hear loud and clear what my subconscious had to tell me. and i'm grateful for that love, too.
if nothing else, it lets me know i'm still open to love, and i'll be okay no matter what happens.