do you see the little counter i have on the top right hand corner of this blog? as i write this, it has one day and some hours left to go until dee leaves portland. while i've known that i was remaining here in portland for quite some time now, i decided to keep it up just as another little reminder that i'm not leaving.
i woke up this morning and realized that, had plans remained unchanged, tomorrow would have been my last day at my home salon, and my second-to last day in portland, period. i woke somewhat like any other day. my room is a swaying metropolis of towers made of boxes, with the odd sock or stray knick-knack that managed to escape a box. or something else that completely defied categorization and ergo remains yet unpacked.
the autumn rain kept me awake: that wet patter of fat droplets on the pavement outside, the rustlewhisperpat of water falling on leaves. in my half-waked state, my mind raced with thoughts ranging from listening to the kitties play, to moving plans, to odd things laced with dreams.
autumn rain always brings memories of when i first came to the pacific northwest, and again when i came to portland. i hated the cold then, the bitter dampness that chilled beyond the bone. sometimes it makes me think of arranged marriages, how love grows between strangers borne of familiarity and the passage of years.
deep and abiding love. i've never felt that for a place before. my feelings for portland autumns and winters have so completely changed from what they once were. the cold and the wet and the rain and the dark are part of what make portland so beautiful...
i worked at the tigard shop again today. it's always wonderful, day after day, working in a place where everyone is genuinely excited and happy to see me. i know it will die soon, but right now i never tire of hearing people say how glad they are i'm not leaving. and i know i'm excited to be having *m* here soon, with me. i know they're not his friends --yet-- but i'm looking forward to introducing my friends to him. i can't wait to have a kitchen, and give my friends and my family the warmth and bounty of my hearth.
this morning, before work, i signed papers on my new lease. i have a new apartment! and i did it all on my own, too, which is something i've never done before. i've always gone into a new apartment with roomates, all of our merit pooled together. this was me. true, *m* and i will live there together, but as he's not coming until the middle of next month, i had to secure it alone.
and i did.
and i feel something i don't know that i've ever felt before. it's a protectiveness and solid...i don't know. it's just a solid something that i feel beneath my breastbone. i feel something quite similar, actually, whenever i think of li'l *c* sick or in danger. my mother protectiveness comes to the fore, the driving need to protect and care for my young. it's almost the same. my haven. my hearth. my sacred space carrying all the potential to be everything i wish it to be.
i can finally --finally-- be entirely true Delena of the Funkywild i've yearned to be. i am mistress of my own haven, now. i am Lady of the House.
the House of Funk.
i'm not one voice of many, anymore. i see my role as i never did when i was married. i was so blind, then. perhaps it's way too philosophical, or even spiritual for the tone of this blog, but now i will be an authority. and in a pair, i will be the voice of Goddess, as *m* will be the voice of God.
a sobering thought.
have i filled my role well? so far, with the stress and tension and raw emotions lately, i would say i've failed rather fantastically. yet another sobering thought. and i know i can be wildly and astoundingly spiteful a lot of the time, as well as unrelenting when i "know" i'm right. and i'm stubborn enough and smart enough to talk circles around the majority of people until i've argued myself in a circle and ended up right where i began. i'm very good at it, but while it has its useful places, in a relationship is not one of them.
i suppose this is what it means to be ready to be in a relationship (see blog entry entitled ">.<"). now it's time to find out if i have the love, compassion, and courage to turn the other cheek to someone who has the power to hurt me in ways that could pale in comparison to the bio-dad. all my life, in refusing to let anyone hurt me that way again, i've been closed inside, and spiteful, and dangerously defensive, and secretive, and quick to retaliate, and a hundred other things that were only meant to protect me.
and protect me they did, but it cost me many, many friends. i just wasn't ready to be close, to share myself and discover the miraculous grace in vulnerability.
none of those things, however, are sympathetic and compassionate and merciful. none of those things are conducive to learning to live within the multiverse of another person's soul. the delicate balance comes of turning the other cheek and not becoming a door mat. i suppose the difference is found within, from an unshakable sense of authority and confidence in one's own humanity. in the definition of self that is not written by any other hand save one's own.
and while living well and rightly is quite the responsibility, what with realizing my role as representative of Goddess in my pairing, it's absolutely meaningless without the ecstatically psychedelic and funktastic, wild love for all things mundane. growing in love from my daily practice in vulnerability and compassion will get me absolutely nowhere if i forget about the sacred in each passing moment.
y'know, the Funk in the NOW!