what's that word again?

from the oxford-delena dictionary


1. movement, passage, or change from one position, state of being, stage, concept, etc., to another
2. change
3. an event that results in a transformation
4. that period in the middle of flux when everything is everywhere, including thoughts and emotions, so that one glance at the overall picture results in stammering speechlessness

in effort to help me accomplish Field and achieve my certification faster, i've been moved over to the tigard salon for this week. yesterday was my first day back there, and everyone was very happy to see me. i think it's because they're so accustomed to students (they were the hub of groomer training for years), but they had nothing but the sorts of dogs and haircuts i needed. in one day i took two technical tests on a schnauzer and scottish terrier, which rocked. in all the time i'd been at my home salon, i'd only taken one. and that was the most basic: a contour on a...i don't even remember what breed. lhasa apso?

anyway, so already i've leapt ahead from where i was only two days ago, and some of my frustration has eased. now, i only require two more technicals (on a poodle or bichon, and some long-legged terrier like an airedale), and twenty dogs. the twenty dogs will be cake and pie, since i can groom six or seven dogs a day easily and do the job very well. and when i'm commissioned, that'll be like making around 25$ an hour.

not too shabby.

so i'm in flux at work, driving between my home salon and tigard, but i don't mind. i love the girls at the salon in both places, and at my home store i'm finally getting to know everyone and be comfortable joking and talking about personal things outside work. the manager lady and i are planning on going out for sushi before i leave. it's painful, though, knowing that just when i'm really starting to make more-than-superficial friends and feel truly comfortable at my store, i'm going to be leaving.

at home i've tamed some of the chaos that was the business of putting the sum of my worldly posessions and personality into boxes and stacking them like so much cargo. i've had to seriously --and i mean seriously-- resist labeling half of them "misc" because half of what i own just doesn't fit neatly into categories. i have papers and cross stitching supplies mixed in with purses and pictures simply because it all can happily fit into one box together and it was all in my closet anyway. that's enough similarity for me, as it were...

even now, most of the items you can see floating around my bedroom have already found homes in boxes. and *ds* working at xerox has literally saved my sorry ass, financially. boxes are expensive nowadays! however, having a sister at xerox means i get all their old boxes if i but request she set aside a few for me. it's been wonderful. everything's stacked in easy-to-carry copy paper-sized boxes with fitted lids. she even brought bubble wrap! i'm going to have to do something extremely nice and fun for her by way of thanks. because, seriously, my gratitude for cardboard is unbelievable right now.

i'm having one last buffy the vampire slayer marathon before i move because a.) i was kinda itching for one since it's about that time anyway, and b.) *m* doesn't like buffy (the poor thing) and so i wanted to get the need for a marathon out from under my skin before we moved in together. y'know, kinda spare him for a few months before the itch came back. plus, it would give me some time to acquire my own set of dvd's. so i've been watching buffy and packing. the xbox 360 is staying right where it is until the last possible moment, as is my computer. i'm thinking that the buffy marathon will last me until i leave, so i've been thinking it might be high time to pack all my movies. i was leaving them out so i had something to fall asleep to. i like a bit of a movie while i wait for sleepiness to kick in. after a few doses of melatonin, it really helps, actually.

and the demon children are adding their own new element to this new life i'm transitioning into. ling's shown herself to be quite affectionate, scolding me if i so much as get up to go to the bathroom. she'll follow me and squeak at me in that teenie kitten voice of hers, then rub up and purr with her little kitten motor going 90 miles a minute. her sister still remains nameless, and is quite aloof and likes to do her own thing. i've been taking time out to just hold her and get her accustomed to being handled because, dammit, i'm going to want snugglies with my kitties!

they still keep me up all night, though, wrestling, biting each other on the head, playing The Feet Must Die, and scrabbling on top of all the boxes stacked everywhere. if ling didn't curl up with me and fall asleep purring, i'd wonder if it wasn't punishment for something i did in a past life. oi vey...

and *m* and i finally made up and made things right between us. things had pretty much been tense between us since he came to visit early last month. the way i saw it, we'd settle the immediate issue, but the underlying theme was never resolved. but we finally fixed it, and the fixing was such that all my doubts in *m* slowly evaporated.

i now know why i needed to go through that bunch of fuck, though, to come out the other side. while i knew that the universe was giving me exactly what i needed exactly when i needed it, i couldn't for the life of me figure out why i needed it. now, however, i do, and i know a lot more about myself, actually. yes, delena makes sense. i learned that i had a fear that's been around since *jd*'s time. my bio-dad introduced the concept to me, and *jd* solidified it with his fickle, selfish, and asshole behavior. it's why i've always broken off every relationship since then: i never wanted to be blindsided like that ever again, to feel the world fall out from beneath my feet like that. but i knew that i loved and trusted *m* to the point where i'd stay and give my trust until he ripped it from beneath my feet, and it terrified me because i knew i'd never see it coming if it happened.

irrational fear. it was time to let that one go.

there are other things i learned, but that's enough for now. at least i know that while i'm sad to be leaving, i now honestly look forward to the end of this transition to find out what it is i'm becoming.

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