y'know, the thing i really love about my life is that i can be zooming along life's highway at light speed when suddenly everything just changes direction in the blink of an eye.
like those really cool bikes in tron.
and then, just like that, i have to change tack and catch the wind, and off i go again like i'd always been going this way. of course, sometimes i get tangled in the lines and capsize, but i'm proud to say i usually recover fairly quickly.
this weekend of mine was about getting away, letting off a little steam and trying to de-stress at least enough that i didn't end up grinding *m*'s bones to make my bread. but i got three text messages and a voicemail with him telling me, "you need to call me." so i did.
me: "what's up?"
him: "we didn't get the apartment."
me: "what? why?"
him: *long explanation about how the owner was upset that he was too stupid to understand the small tangle that is my name change, and something about a spot on *m*'s credit five years ago*
him: "so today at lunch i'm gonna run around and gather up a few numbers of other apartments. the only thing is...everything else is full. and the duplexes i found--"
me: "ooh, duplexes!"
him: "--are a little seedy."
me: "so what's wrong with the duplexes?"
him: "they're seedy. i don't mind a little 'character,' but that's a little more character than i like to live in, y'know?"
me: *remembers the disputed gang territory/other-side-of-the-tracks neighborhood i grew up in, and scoffs* "um, so?"
him: "so...i dunno. i'll just see what i can come up with."
me: "y'know," *somewhat-but-not-really-joking-tone-that-was-more-hopeful-than-anything* "i can always just check with my apartment and you can move up here."
him: "y'know, i've been thinking about that."
so we talked more, and agreed to give it until the manager at the idaho apartments called back with an answer from the owner. i have to give the woman props. she was really working hard and trying for us. she actually called me not many hours after that conversation with *m* to tell me personally that the answer was no, and to apologize profusely. i was genuinely disappointed, because i'd chosen those apartments mainly because i adored her. she would've been an awesome manager to be renting from, lemme tell you.
so i called *m* back, and we talked a bit more, and he asked for a bit of time to really think about it. he was giving me a lot of, "i guess," and "i suppose." nuh-uh. gimme definites to walk on, or i'll make definites.
around midnight i got a text. "i'll move...yes i'm sure. sweet dreams."
of course, he's upset, and surprise of all surprises, i know exactly how he feels. i've only been living in that mix of dread, homesickness, helplessness, and fearful pain for the past two months. but it's slowly been hitting me:
driving home from madras last night i was awesome. i had the "for dee" series (as i call them) in the cd player. greggo had made me a few cd's of mixed songs a couple years ago, and they remain some of my top favorites to listen to. especially that 80's mix he did...he really knew my tastes so well. it was 80's covers by modern bands, mostly goth and punk, which are two of my favorites. it's really an awesome cd. and somewhere around mt. hood i was blindly groping for a new cd to put in, and disc 2 of the wall came up the lucky winner.
so i was alone on the 26W, the funkmobile flying at 70mph, with the gorgeous evergreens a chiaroscuro of black sillhouetted guardian sentinels on either side of me, the Big Dipper shining bright just off to my left in the navy blue-black sky, and me singing "comfortably numb" at the top of my lungs.
and where before i'd be driving by all my usual landmarks with a regretful good-bye in my heart, now it was with a sense of having them all given back to me with renewed appreciation. i'm not leaving!
the Funk is BACK, baby!