when all is said and done

i called in to work today. i had a bitch of a migraine that laid me pretty much flat all day. my poor head's still sore, but at least it's not throbbing or threatening to fall off my shoulders.

plus, i think i really needed the day to myself, even though i did absolutely nothing.

my previous post sounded harsh. i'd actually written it the day before, posted it, then retracted it because i was afraid of what *m* might think, or do, because of it. but then i went right back to being hugely ready to just pop. so i re-posted it. and you know what? i felt better.

now that it's all out, even my lack of blatant honesty lately, trying to post only the positive stuff and put the best face i could (or not write anything at all if i couldn't), i feel better. quieter. for the first time in a week, i actually miss the sound of *m*'s voice. that could be me being all clingy-feeling because i felt wretched all day, but whatever. point is, when all is said and done, he's special to me. i keep forgetting how hurt and anger get in the way of that. if i were to die tonight, i'd regret not having talked with *m* more about things. i'd regret that i let his blatant guyness piss me off so much.

i've never done this before. y'know, have a real relationship. like, ever. there's always been something, y'know? like rape, or neglect, or fistfighting and dislocated shoulders, drinking, or just plain mutual contempt and bad sex. i've never given a shit about anyone i was with. not really. but i care about this one, like really care. like what i said here, and i didn't want to actually say what it was, but i knew what it was.

Love.

like, real, true love. the kind of love i feel for my family, for those people in my life who are important. the ones i'd do anything for, whether or not i hated it or even wanted to. without question, you sacrifice for people you love. i love *m*. i've never loved before.

i just had to get out all that crap before i could hear it again.