when all is said and done

i called in to work today. i had a bitch of a migraine that laid me pretty much flat all day. my poor head's still sore, but at least it's not throbbing or threatening to fall off my shoulders.

plus, i think i really needed the day to myself, even though i did absolutely nothing.

my previous post sounded harsh. i'd actually written it the day before, posted it, then retracted it because i was afraid of what *m* might think, or do, because of it. but then i went right back to being hugely ready to just pop. so i re-posted it. and you know what? i felt better.

now that it's all out, even my lack of blatant honesty lately, trying to post only the positive stuff and put the best face i could (or not write anything at all if i couldn't), i feel better. quieter. for the first time in a week, i actually miss the sound of *m*'s voice. that could be me being all clingy-feeling because i felt wretched all day, but whatever. point is, when all is said and done, he's special to me. i keep forgetting how hurt and anger get in the way of that. if i were to die tonight, i'd regret not having talked with *m* more about things. i'd regret that i let his blatant guyness piss me off so much.

i've never done this before. y'know, have a real relationship. like, ever. there's always been something, y'know? like rape, or neglect, or fistfighting and dislocated shoulders, drinking, or just plain mutual contempt and bad sex. i've never given a shit about anyone i was with. not really. but i care about this one, like really care. like what i said here, and i didn't want to actually say what it was, but i knew what it was.


like, real, true love. the kind of love i feel for my family, for those people in my life who are important. the ones i'd do anything for, whether or not i hated it or even wanted to. without question, you sacrifice for people you love. i love *m*. i've never loved before.

i just had to get out all that crap before i could hear it again.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

This is good news. The real unconditional love you are feeling for this guy.
If it's new to you, of course it's going to throw you off balance and spin you in directions you've never gone.
Try and be open to it and the excitement, BUT, while remaining true to yourself...does that make sense?
(omg...sounds like a really bad Hallmark card).