i know that i'm bipolar, and yet it always manages to blindside me when it hits. another change. and this one's not so good. i need to withdraw into myself, and ironically enough that's terribly difficult to do when surrounded by people who love you. i want to be alone so badly. i miss *sy* so much, but whatever. every once in a while i even think of calling up *m*, but i keep trying to convince myself thoughts like those are only proof that right now i'm really, really ill. sometimes it even works. the truth is, i've looked into my future and i don't like the loneliness there. maybe it's a sign that i'm not strong enough inside to love myself enough so my own company is always enough for me. that's just not how i'm built. maybe that means i'm built inferior to the fantastic women who make it on their own and are fine with that. maybe it means i'm built differently. but different or not, somewhere along the line i was branded as a solitary figurine and i can't bear it. the proof is all around me, though, and i'm always saying i pride myself on my pragmatism. even if i don't like that the world is round, i have to accept it. same thing here. and yet, all i can be is myself. apparently that's not enough, not nearly. what's good enough for family is like kryptonite to lovers. the iGoddess-hatchling was a decision made in defiance, because what i really want is a lover and mate and childrearing partner. what i've got is an emptiness inside me so wide that it's kicked off the brain chemicals and i'm drowning in it.