4.14.2008

april showers

i know that i'm bipolar, and yet it always manages to blindside me when it hits. another change. and this one's not so good. i need to withdraw into myself, and ironically enough that's terribly difficult to do when surrounded by people who love you. i want to be alone so badly. i miss *sy* so much, but whatever. every once in a while i even think of calling up *m*, but i keep trying to convince myself thoughts like those are only proof that right now i'm really, really ill. sometimes it even works. the truth is, i've looked into my future and i don't like the loneliness there. maybe it's a sign that i'm not strong enough inside to love myself enough so my own company is always enough for me. that's just not how i'm built. maybe that means i'm built inferior to the fantastic women who make it on their own and are fine with that. maybe it means i'm built differently. but different or not, somewhere along the line i was branded as a solitary figurine and i can't bear it. the proof is all around me, though, and i'm always saying i pride myself on my pragmatism. even if i don't like that the world is round, i have to accept it. same thing here. and yet, all i can be is myself. apparently that's not enough, not nearly. what's good enough for family is like kryptonite to lovers. the iGoddess-hatchling was a decision made in defiance, because what i really want is a lover and mate and childrearing partner. what i've got is an emptiness inside me so wide that it's kicked off the brain chemicals and i'm drowning in it.

4 comments:

Ravyn said...

I perfectly understand the urge to be alone with yourself for a while, to delve deep inside to try to pull out some sort of gem. If you need to be alone you will not be hurting us.

We wait here for you to feel up to people. It is enough stress to leave for work, the last thing we want is for it to be stress you come home to.

Jane said...

My ex is bipolar and I know from living with him all those years how strong the urge was for him to isolate himself from the world.

I know that feeling of being alone; and not just physically being by yourself. I mean the emotional aspect of feeling lonely and the deep feeling that the Universe has branded you a solitary woman. You put it very well though that it's just the way you're built. No sense in dwelling on the idea that you're inferior to those women who seem to forge ahead and love it. You are one of the strongest, kick-ass women ever. You will ride this period of depression out and come through it once again.

Peace, love and light to you Goddess,

Jane

Greg said...

it's funny, sometimes i want so badly to be alone, but at the same time i want people to care enough not to let me isolate myself.

it's true there is nothing to replace the feeling of being in love, of passion and romance and intimacy. you know how i suffered from the lack of it for so long, and still do occasionally. but eventually you learn to accept the way the world sees you, even when you know the world, once again, is wrong.

Kota Bear said...

Just remember, my sweet sister, that no matter how long the depression holds you and how far away you go to get the alone-time you need right now, I will still be waiting here to hold you close and pet your hair and tell you everything is going to turn out just how we need it to as soon as you're ready for me to do so. It does not hurt me when you pull away into the aloneness you need, it only hurts knowing you need to at all and I can't fix that for you.