brezsny-on-the-blog

CAPRICORN (Dec 22-Jan 19) - Want to know a secret? I "predict" the present, not the future. In other words, I discern unconscious patterns and invisible influences that are affecting you *now.* I also try to inspire you to read your *own* mind so as to uncover feelings that you've been hiding from yourself. So I can't necessarily tell you what specific events will transpire in the coming days. But I do suspect the following things are true, although you may not be aware of them yet: You are in the midst of redefining what home means to you. You've been neglecting a deep need that's a bit embarrassing to you. And there's a place in your foundation that's in disrepair and requires your immediate attention.


i've been in the midst of redefining what home means to me for quite some time now. my pack and i have spent considerable time lately trying to verbalize the family code, so to speak. this, of course, makes the iGoddess-hatchling extra special. we're a matrilineal family. i pray so hard for a girl it's not funny, and completely un-PC but i don't care. i want a girl, dammit.

but yes, mr. brezsny, i know i've been finding new definitions of my idea of "home." i have for quite some time. but i know i've been treating certain aspects of it as a big white elephant in my living room. shut up.

as for some deep need that's a bit embarrassing to me? you mean aside from the fact that all these words and feelings regarding the dead dream are piling up inside me and, because i know no one cares to hear or read about them, i've been holding it all inside and it's tearing me apart a little bit? at this point, i don't know whether the deep need is to talk about it until i stop mourning, or if it's just the fact that in this day and age mrs. cleaver isn't exactly an approved or acceptable goal to achieve and makes me seem a threat to progress and the womens' movement? all i know is that i'm choking on this need to sort through everything about my sorrow, rage, confusion, and helplessness, and on those times i've brought it up i've been met with a whole lot of silence.

a few nights ago i had this waking dream in which i had locked myself in an empty room with a large kitchen knife from my set, and repeatedly stabbed myself in the throat with it. in the dream, i had even lost grip of the knife but it continued to stab me on its own. i could feel the angled, downward pressure every time it bit into my throat. i could hear myself choking on blood and words and emotions. whenever i get sick, i wake up with a sore throat first.

now, naturopathically and magically speaking, i know exactly what this means. but hell if i know what to do about it. no one wants to hear a woman lament about never being able to be a stupid housewife, and no one wants to hear an inner girlchild crying about the terror that was life in a house like hers and how she used to play with stuffed animals like they were children and have an imaginary husband.

yeah, i didn't have imaginary friends. i had an imaginary husband. lame, isn't it?

it could also be the deep need to explore the aspects of the goddess who chose me (dammit), and to express my fascination with and love for her. but not many people like to hear about lilith, those people who are even familiar with a concept outside the realm of generic christianity. which is to say, "not many."

as for my foundation needing immediate attention to fix that spot of disrepair, i might have an idea what it is. one could say that i've let rage and vengeance creep into my Funk, which is like having beetles and dry rot eating away at the support beams of my inner mansion. and i'm struggling with it. but another someone could say that i've been struggling against the wrong things. lilith is no light and airy, funky fizzbang of a divalicious rockstar sort of goddess.

she's the one spoken of in the Song of the Rising Tides, the end of days:
...tremble,
o you children of seth
mother is coming.
mother is here.
with her lessons of madness
and hands full of blood
she comes to make the world anew
and her chariot is pain and horror...

see the broken chamber of 500 years
and the shattered crystal upon the floor
see the stones weeping and the dragons free
lilith is coming.
lilith is here!

there's a reason she's known as the Queen of the Hells. in babylon they called her Lamashtu. in greece she is Hecate. in india, she's called Kali. but kali and hecate have been "prettified" in some respects, and lamashtu is shoved into a corner. lilith is rarely known. she refuses to be cleaned up and made acceptable. there's a time and place for everything, and the Funk can't be All. too much of a good thing, right? to do that would be to deny aspects of myself. my Self.

what if the place in my foundation that's in disrepair and requires immediate attention isn't the fact i'm suffering the influence of my dark side, but the fact i'm denying it?