attack of the id

about a month before *sy* broke my heart, i'd begun to have strange dreams and ...we'll call them "impulses." and they were troubling, for as much as i was (am?) in love with *sy*, i was constantly having strange dreams about *m*. and they were getting stronger all the time. i had no idea what was going on, why, or what to do about it.

so i did nothing.

and these past couple weeks --depression notwithstanding-- i noticed that not only were these dreams and impulses getting stronger, but they were downright overpowering. what did i want? what was i trying to tell myself? was there something unresolved in the *m* realm?

i didn't miss him. not really. i was sorry to have lost a pretty fun friend yes, but then again he hadn't really been a friend to me since before even moving out here.

and then, a few days ago, the urge to talk to him was so strong it nearly floored me. it certainly frightened me. i missed him.

what the...?

i began to list every single reason he was unhealthy for me, and totally not good for me. i listed every reason my family had to dislike him. i reminded myself of his outburst that finally drove me away. i relived my week of emotional detox, where *ds* and *ks* were literally afraid to let me by myself, i was such a wreck.

this man. is not. healthy. for me.

he is the very antithesis of the delena.

and yet the desire to be near him, to talk to him, to consider if i should try to get back together with him was scaring me with its strength and power. i came home from work last night and glued myself to my xbox purely so i wouldn't put on shoes and go talk to him right then. i knew he was home, and awake...

and i couldn't understand why.

of course, understanding the why of things is my habit, and so i wouldn't let myself act until i knew the source and understood it. it took my siblings to point it out to me. they're so smart...

and i think they're right. it isn't so much *m* that is drawing me as the simple fact that i was closest to careerlovemarriagechildren with *m*, even when we were miserable together. and he fought to try to get me to stay. and i mean he fought. albeit way too late to do anything but inspire resentment and suspicion, but he fought. *sy* just let me go because the psycho hose beast was holding his daughter hostage --which is despicable and disgusting and only proves what i've been saying about her all along. but whatever.

but *m* fought, and it was the first time in a long time that i felt he really wanted me. and we wanted kids together. and marriage. and i already had my career...

a part of me wonders if the closest i'll ever come is that disaster of a relationship. it's pathetic.

but i've told my friends: "if i were looking for a new job, i'd let you all know so you could help me find something good. well chicas, i'm in the market for a good man. if you find anything, lemme know."