attack of the id

about a month before *sy* broke my heart, i'd begun to have strange dreams and ...we'll call them "impulses." and they were troubling, for as much as i was (am?) in love with *sy*, i was constantly having strange dreams about *m*. and they were getting stronger all the time. i had no idea what was going on, why, or what to do about it.

so i did nothing.

and these past couple weeks --depression notwithstanding-- i noticed that not only were these dreams and impulses getting stronger, but they were downright overpowering. what did i want? what was i trying to tell myself? was there something unresolved in the *m* realm?

i didn't miss him. not really. i was sorry to have lost a pretty fun friend yes, but then again he hadn't really been a friend to me since before even moving out here.

and then, a few days ago, the urge to talk to him was so strong it nearly floored me. it certainly frightened me. i missed him.

what the...?

i began to list every single reason he was unhealthy for me, and totally not good for me. i listed every reason my family had to dislike him. i reminded myself of his outburst that finally drove me away. i relived my week of emotional detox, where *ds* and *ks* were literally afraid to let me by myself, i was such a wreck.

this man. is not. healthy. for me.

he is the very antithesis of the delena.

and yet the desire to be near him, to talk to him, to consider if i should try to get back together with him was scaring me with its strength and power. i came home from work last night and glued myself to my xbox purely so i wouldn't put on shoes and go talk to him right then. i knew he was home, and awake...

and i couldn't understand why.

of course, understanding the why of things is my habit, and so i wouldn't let myself act until i knew the source and understood it. it took my siblings to point it out to me. they're so smart...

and i think they're right. it isn't so much *m* that is drawing me as the simple fact that i was closest to careerlovemarriagechildren with *m*, even when we were miserable together. and he fought to try to get me to stay. and i mean he fought. albeit way too late to do anything but inspire resentment and suspicion, but he fought. *sy* just let me go because the psycho hose beast was holding his daughter hostage --which is despicable and disgusting and only proves what i've been saying about her all along. but whatever.

but *m* fought, and it was the first time in a long time that i felt he really wanted me. and we wanted kids together. and marriage. and i already had my career...

a part of me wonders if the closest i'll ever come is that disaster of a relationship. it's pathetic.

but i've told my friends: "if i were looking for a new job, i'd let you all know so you could help me find something good. well chicas, i'm in the market for a good man. if you find anything, lemme know."

1 comment:

Ravyn said...

I'll definitely keep an eye out...granted it means you might wind up together with some Xerox geek, but last contract I didn't find anything that we even close to being you...so no promises...especially since there seems to be two ages at Xerox. Right around 20 (in which case the men REALLY act like it) or well about 40...hey if you're interested in an older man...