4.06.2008

blog: the mental junk drawer

some people use their blogs to write about a specific place, or to chronicle their travels in far-off countries (far-off as in "far away from america," at least), or explore a certain aspect of themselves. some have themes. some have a tone, whether it be happy, dark, poetic, sarcastic, fictional, et cetera ad infinitum.

mine?

my blog is more a place to hop online and rummage around inside my head as long as a person would want to. it's really become, less a message in a bottle as once it was, more of my own mental junk drawer of thoughts, ideas, perspectives, observations, questions, rants, spirituality, exploration, and more. and all, really. nothing's too secret, too private, too disturbing, too "anything" to put up here.

sometimes i can't even begin to describe the risk and courage it takes to be that open about myself. it was on my blog when i finally "came out" about the child abuse i'd suffered growing up. when those repressed memories came out? BAM! there went denial right out the window, and i had to put it somewhere. all my anger and confusion at big *c*, when my marriage was falling apart around me? up on the blog. back in texas, when i was addicted to my burning? up on the blog. so many oh-so-personal things, and i slap it up here for anyone on the planet to read, as long as that person has internet access.

some people tell me that it's TMI, too much information, and that some things should be kept private. but...private from whom? and why? if they don't want to know it, they can just stop reading my blog. i have nothing to hide. the best place to hide is right out in the open. and i'm more than available for people to talk to about the things i post here; many people do write to me regarding some of my topics. only the insecure and self-absorbed jump to conclusions instead of clarifying details with the author of these very words.

but sometimes i find that there's no proper person with whom to share some of these things. as i said before, i took a Vow of Honesty every bit as binding and sacred as a catholic priest's Vow of Chastity (and that some choose to violate that Vow is immaterial; it's still sacred). some truths need to be said to certain individuals.

what happens when those individuals are inaccessible? or if speaking to them would stir up more sludge than it's worth? more often than not, it goes up here in the public-access mental junk drawer.

the past couple weeks i've been thinking a lot about *m*. and i mean a lot. it's been rather confusing, the hurt and anger it's been stirring up. and lately i dream that i sneak over to his house and peek in his windows, or check to see if his car's in the driveway, something. i'm always trying to get up my courage to knock on his door to tell him my thoughts, and before i can do so, he always catches me and i have to fess up. those feelings are more of regret and a desire to make peace, a desire to tell him i really do still care about him (not that i'd ever want to be with him again because it's not "that" kind of caring, y'know?) and it really does suck things ended up the way they did. but in my dreams, he's never listening. we either end up fighting, or i walk away feeling stupid and frustrated. i know he'd never listen to me, only hear what he wanted like he always did.

so it goes in the junk drawer.

*sy* broke up with me today, and i can't even say i'm that surprised about it. even back in january, four days after we got together, i knew how we would end. ever since the night of the great Kabloosh, i've known. i said we were stamped with an expiration date and that i'd just wait to see how it played out, and i was right. it was the messy, hostile, invading past relationship with the psycho hose beast that did it. she's read this blog pretty religiously, from what i can tell, and has tried before to use it against me, interpret this blog wrongly and then fill *sy*'s head with fucked up bullshit about me. today, instead of going to the source (i.e. ME), he decided to believe her interpretation and fuck off, delena.

it saddens me, really, because she's toxic and he's really a good guy. i gave him a chance. i hate that i saw this coming. i hate that i was right. i hate that he can't handle honesty like mine, and i hate that she's such a cunt.

however, i never lost myself. i remained true to my own Self, never lied, never compromised my beliefs, always demanded respect and gave it by the bucketload in return. i always remained true to my pack. i never gave more than i could afford to, spiritually or emotionally or financially. i remained loyal to the iGoddess-hatchling. i retained the grace, dignity, and untamedness of the Funkywild. i was always delena.

i consider this a Lilith Litmus Test of sorts. i didn't fall right back into trying to regain the dream, didn't try to raise the dead. the universe wants me to be alone, and i suppose this could be seen as a test as to whether i would always lose myself in relationships. i passed, i think. relationships come and go, and the sort of love i've always wanted is just nowhere in my future landscape. it's kinda funny, and i know dizzy would say that there's just something about me that's like kryptonite to bullshit. not that she'd use those words, but something infinitely more hilariously sarcastic, but all in all it would mean that i can't tolerate bullshit, and bullshit can't tolerate me. too fucking bad there's so much of it in the world i'm left with precious little else.

not that i don't value what i'm left with. i'm left with --what-- a family that adores me, friends that would do anything in their power for me, a great career and a boss that sticks up for me, the Funkmobile that provides me freedom, and i live in paradise-on-earth. i'm healthy, focused, mature, strong in my spirituality, and unshakable in my love.

see, universe? i can be in a relationship and not lose what you gave me. see, universe? i can be not in a relationship and be just as happy. see, universe? i accepted what you wanted and never compromised it. see, universe? see? self-love and self-respect. it's like kevlar against despair.

2 comments:

Michelle said...

Your bullshit meter is in high level working order! My hilarity and sarcasm aren't in high working order lately so that's the best I've got. :D

I use my blogs for exactly the same reason as you. The only difference is that I have one that is edited much more than the other. I find that friends go into a panic if I reveal too much of the darker or more depressing thoughts. The problem with that is that I end up with half assed entries that only skim the surface of what I really need to get out of my system, or I just sound angry. So kudos to you for your honesty and fuck em if they can't take it attitude.

Bohemian Mom said...

Ahhh....your blog is refreshingly real and candid.
I'm sorry to hear about the break-up but that is not a sign from the universe that you should be alone.

"You needn't slay the beast or scale the entire mountain. That's not how it's done. You need only to move through today. Think of the distance you've already covered. Focus on your strengths. Let every breath you take, remind you of your power."
....the Universe