no more sea water up my nose...

okay.

so...

it's 9:40 pm and i'm totally wiped. for now, however, i am totally caught-up on work. it only takes putting 12+ hours in a day, counting everything from appointments and drive time, to paperwork and phone calls to customers. i'm not too happy about the hours i put into work. when i get home, i like to be home, y'know? not, "oh, okay, i'm home now, but i still have three hours of work ahead of me after already falling asleep on the freeway."

joy.

finals were over last tuesday, and i've been catching up on my life ever since. i think i'm finally making some headway. as i said, work's already all caught up. tomorrow's a different story, but Here Now, i'm five by five. my room's getting better. there are still some clothes, and a ton of papers that need to be sorted, tossed, and found homes.

...i just need a bigger desk.

speaking of desks, on the 31st of last month, my computer just up and died for no good, apparent reason. that pretty much pissed me right the @#*! off, because i'd been having problems with it, but all i'd asked *mj* to do was replace a noisy fan that was annoying the crap outta me. he unplugs it, and suddenly BAM! nothing works.

so there went $250 i didn't expect to spend, replacing my beloved pc with an acer aspire netbook. pink, of course. i tote it with me everywhere. literally. it's never out of arm's reach, because i never know when i'm going to want or need to log onto the internet for something, or have a few spare minutes to write.

of course, after the you-have-over-$200-in-overage-charges-on-your-phone-bill-delena fiasco, i also upped my plan to the "simply everything" plan with sprint. this time, i hope they don't hose me with hidden fees. however, this also means that my trusty, cute, pink ipod-ish phone can now access email, surf the web, text message, and i have a nav feature that's sort of like TomTom only better. it also has a "search" feature, so i can find things close by...like known gluten-free restaurants while i'm out in the field for work.

speaking of work, i work a full 90 mins south of where i live, so work's becoming an adventure. lots of windshield time, listening to KINKFM, CHARLIEFM, and some other radio station i can never remember. but between those three, i can usually keep myself entertained with music throughout the entire day.

it keeps me somewhat sane.

now...if i could just catch up on sleep, and eat on a dependably regular basis, i'd be making some huge headway.

one step at a time, dee. no need to eat every single frog all at once, after all.

even though, damnitall, i want to. i suppose impatience and frustration are their own frogs, hmm?

[insert clever title here]

looking back on my entries the last few months...i was hit by a mack truck, wasn't i? march was bad, april was worse, may kicked me in the teeth, and here it is june and it's just like in the cartoons where i'm wobbly on my feet and dizzy with little tweeting birds flying around my head. 

finals were last night.  oi vey, don't ask me about finals. 

the job is going really well. i was in So.Cal last week for training, and for all intents and purposes it was a fantastic success. now all that material that's been piling up in my room that i've been ignoring is getting sorted, and i get to start cramming for State exams now. oh fun. 

i remember being little and going to the beach with my bio-family in So.Cal. there was this one summer when i decided i was going to be daring, and swim out past where i could see the bottom. out where the big kids were. and i did. and it was a blast! it was kinda like swimming in the most ginormous swimming pool in the world. 

then this wave came and hammered me all the way down to the sand, and i didn't know which way was up, and the current dragged me tumbling and floundering along the bottom. i hit my head on a rock, and cut my hand on a jagged shell. i tumbled along the bottom forever, it seemed. i ran out of breath, and oh gods, i can remember the panic as i realized i was still under water and couldn't breathe. my body fought for air, and i was flailing for anything to hold onto. i tumbled over and over, and there was no sense of direction. water shot up my nose and down my throat. i was breathing, but it wasn't really working. belatedly i realized i'd sucked down a mouthful of seawater. 

finally i bobbed to the surface. i remember this rattling breath that sounded like when you turn a water bottle upside down and give it a good squeeze...then let go and let the air back in, and you get that sucking, burbling, bubbling glug-glug sound. that's kinda how it was. then i was sinking back down and coughing and barfing up salt water, and it was pouring out of my mouth and nose, and eyeballs and ears it seemed, too. and just as i was in the middle of my first painful rasp of fresh air, another wave pounded down upon me, straight down on my head, and my face slammed back into the sandy bottom and i saw blood in the water, and i tumbled over and over, and over and over. 

it finally fizzled out, dragging me as if i were a dented tin can tied with twine to a stray dog's tail, to shallower waters. i stood up, blood down my face and dripping into the water, lungs stinging and throbbing, coughing water up my nose, head pounding, dizzy, and tears streaming from my eyes. no one came at me and said, "oh god, are you all right?" or anything. i don't think anyone saw. i dragged myself out of the water, went to get my towel, and didn't go back into the sea for about sixteen years. 

that's kind of how it felt these last couple of months. dragged along the bottom, tumbling, can't get a breath. now i'm back in shallow(er) waters, reeling, coughing up sea water. all i want is to find my towel, lie down in the warm sun, and dry off. maybe make a sand castle, or go roller skating on the board walk. 

where spare time is doled out in minutes

i found myself with a few spare minutes this morning before i head to work. of course, i have no idea what i wanted to write about, just that i wanted to write something. i miss my iVillage, i miss reading about your lives and hopes and inner journies, i miss hearing from you.

dear gods in heaven, i'm so busy lately that my brain doesn't work even when it needs to, and this last week i've spent much of my free time sleeping. so it really doesn't feel free to me. i threw in the towel and gave up on a social life, and i decided to walk away from dating and the whole funkalicious quest to find my groovemate. i just don't have the mental energy for that kind of emotional pain.

i thought working and going to school were so that i could improve myself and my quality of life, so that i could go out and enjoy life. but i just feel like i'm in a lockdown, like i'm living to work and go to school. with summer, things are really picking up at work, and i devote a lot of 6-day weeks to it. finals are coming up. after finals, i have state exams to study for, for my license (so i can, y'know, work more).

i miss my family, i miss writing, i miss waking up next to someone. perhaps it's just not the right time in my life, but it's never the right time in my life. for the first time in my life, i'm sincerely and painfully lonely, and it came on the heels of the realization that my Funk really can't survive in the presence of an Other. there's a lot of anger, and pain, and exhaustion. it feels like i've taken a huge step backward. looking through some journal entries i'd made on another blog (that died, btw) i'd said that i felt i was ready for wetter, wilder, more interesting challenges. and then this ginormous shit pie flew right into my face.

and i can't stand slapstick, lol.

so here i am. i don't know how to clean this up, or what to do with it. i'm so exhausted and overwhelmed that i find myself stuck in depression and i don't know how to get out of it. there's just so much anger. i don't even know what all of it's from, either. the Funk is so far away i can't feel it. sometimes i don't want to even do the work necessary to get back in touch with it. i just want to sleep.

i'm very confused. and my schedule has gotten me so isolated, that i'm feeling rather alone. i've hit a point --with learning how to eat all over again, school, work, duties around the house, my family-- that i can't do this alone. it's too much.

to my iVillage

Dear Sisters of Funk,

You have read my tales through many years of everything it is to be a woman. You've cooed with me through the sweet in life, rejoiced with me in victory; you've died laughing at my antics and the funny in life, and reached out to me through the painful.

I know life has me by the nape of the neck right now; I haven't yet figured out how to take control of everything on my plate, though with more free time now I'll be able to make that happen. But I haven't been there for you lately, to leave the supportive comments on your blogs, or in your email boxes, like I should and like I used to.

But...I know you're still there for me. The last couple days I have really appreciated your support. You remind me of who I am: Delena of the Funkywild. You help me see that right now I'm only trapped in my insecurity, and that my own exhaustion and overwhelm helped make me susceptible to my Inner Flaming Narcissist once again.

Because as we all know, being the Divalicious Funkmasters we are, that insecurity is nothing more than self-absorption married to fear.

Inspired by your love, my sisters, and drawing from your strength and support as my own strength has waned lately, I hereby summon my Inner Flaming Narcissist and banish that bitch to the little box in my head where she belongs. Instead of waiting for someone to come to me, to help me get out of this, I called on a friend instead. I called her.

Led by your example, my sisters, I called upon someone I knew beyond a shadow of doubt would be there for me...and she was. I'm getting ready to go meet her right now, so we can have fun together, and she will help me lift myself back up, and remind me of my beautiful soul, and show me the world keeps turning and the sun keeps rising and every breath is a precious gift.

I woke this morning feeling so lost and desperate, and just the memory of it makes tears burn behind my eyes. I don't understand why it's so damn difficult to find someone worthy of me, and what inspires someone to want to tear down a Funkmaster and treat her like shit. Works of art are we, and I never hear of anyone wanting to spray-paint obscenities upon the Mona Lisa or throw a rock through the windows of Notre Dame.

But I'm getting up. I'm making myself get up, and I'm going to banish my Narcissist and eat the damn frog of Insecurity. He's a bastard going down, that's for damn sure.

But I'm fucking eating that frog, godsdammit. My sisters, I was strongly moved to tell you how much I love you all, and how much I have to attribute today --the first day of my recovery-- to your strength. I agree with all your comments you've left the last few days. I love you all for them. Especially all of you; you all said something that hit me to my core. Thank you for keeping me on the right track.

I love you all.

to whom it may concern,

I am...

...unsure of how to do this. Relationships and I don't get along. I know who I am, and who I am keeps getting in the way of me loving you.

...brilliant when writing, but when I open my mouth, shit falls out. I need you to ask me a lot of clarifying questions when I'm trying to bare my soul because, inevitably, I screw up what I'm trying to say.

...vastly intelligent. Too much so. My logic and methodical rationality...I dunno. But apparently they ruin something.

...full of love, and am happiest when being cuddled for hours. I want to be wrapped up in love

...independent. I don't need a Daddy, or total power exchange. I have very loving parents who give me unconditional love and guidance, thank you. But I do want someone who will accept my service and devotion, and know it is because I love them that I do this.

...clumsy in showing my feelings. They're deep, and sometimes overwhelming. When I am drowning in love, I tend to want to swim to shallower waters. I need you to be patient, and take my hand, and show me how to swim with you.

...very generous. I will give you everything I possibly can, and work hard to give you what you want from me. It will take time; a lot of time. But I'm worth it.

...not given to trust easily. And I will balk a few times along the way. But if you are patient, and understand I am like a skittish doe who needs a gentle hand cradling my heart, your reward will be my undying, unabashed, unwavering loyalty.

...terrified of my dark side, the monster that lurks deep within my psyche and wants to surface when I am tired, or hungry, or really stressed-out. My temper is just as bad, and I keep both of them under lock and key, because I have broken people in the past when I have lost control. I keep a tight rein on my self-control so that it never happens again, and I never hurt anyone again. If you understand this, you will ask to see that dark side of me, and gently encourage me, slowly, to trust you are strong enough to handle that side of me without losing your love for me. Because that is what I fear most: that you will see her, my dark side, and recoil as so many others have before.

...in need of being conquered. Like The Taming of the Shrew, I need someone stronger than me, smarter, understanding, ruthless, but loving and very affectionate. I will fight you, and make you run hard to catch me, but I long for the worthy man to catch me, and conquer me, and be mine alone...as I am his.

...naked before you, writing this. My heart is tender and bruised. I am afraid, baring myself like this. But if you are out there, you will see this. Above all, I want to be loved.

helping...

woke up still kinda sad. heard *cc* talking with leezard (the new roomie) and laughing, went to see. she said check out lolcats.

so...i'm checking out lolcats.

still kinda sad, but it's not stopping me from laughing.

deadFunk

greggo emailed me once, a long while ago, and told me that i was fantastically on my way to mastering the Funk, and then he and *m* threw such a wrench into the works that it totally derailed me.

when i was on my dating kick, the Funk suffered.

i tried a relationship with a younger man, and somehow lost my sense of humor. after telling him about my real estate investing dreams, he told me he could never be with someone who loved money so much. i told him i couldn't be with anyone who didn't support my dreams.

between learning to live without gluten, entering a new community one week, a new job the next week, returning to school the next week after a decade away, and entering my first serious relationship since *m* back in december of '07, i was exhausted, hungry, stressed, emotionally tender, exhausted, confused, insecure, and did i mention exhausted?

i took some "me time" to try and sort everything out. i was getting dangerously close to the blow-up-at-everything-and-sabotage-my-relationships stage. i needed time to rest, and think, and slow down.

in that time, my lover assumed i wanted someone else, misinterpreted everything i said and wrote, shut me out for a week, and i found out this morning he's with someone else.

in all this, i don't know how i could have done more, been more, given more. i was always honest. i handled my own issues. i was loving. i let him into places inside my heart i never wanted to ever see again after *m*. i covered his face in kisses at night and told him i loved him. i retreated in order to make sure i didn't hurt him if i had a meltdown.

i did everything i could.

and i've been here wondering what's wrong with me.

as long as it's just me with my family, the Funk is strong within me. i am confident, joyous, Funktastic, creative, and invincibile. the moment there's anyone else in my life, the Funk is either murdered (like *m* did), or it goes out. when i show my ugly side, they leave me. when i don't show my ugly side, they leave anyway.

i don't understand it. everyone wants to be loved. i am no different. i want to be held at night, told i'm beautiful, appreciated for those unique things about me. i want it. but i'm beginning to wonder if Delena of the Funkywild can only survive alone.

i'll get up again from this. i always do. i'll survive, i'll be strong, i'll re-find the Funk. and i can find happiness in my solitude. but i want a fulfilling relationship, and something deep inside me is afraid that Delena of the Funkywild is made for no such thing. I want to grow old with someone who loves me.

brezsny-on-the-blog

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): From an astrological point of view, the coming weeks will be an excellent time to start a band and record an album. Your creativity is waxing, your attunement with the right side of your brain is especially sweet, and you will benefit immensely from anything you do to become less of a spectator and more of a participant. To jumpstart the process, go to Wikipedia and click on "random article." That's the name of your band. Then go to en.wikiquote.org and click on "random page." The last few words of the last quote on that page will be your album's title. Finally, go to tinyurl.com/9ydjk and choose a photo to be your CD cover. Or, if you don't like what's there, click on the link for "Get more interesting photos for the last 7 days." (My band is Widemouth Blindcat, our album is "More Time for Dreaming," and our cover art is a spiral staircase from here: tinyurl.com/c89rt7.)

hmm.

band name: atlante veneto
album title: "a noun with a job"
cd cover art:

saturation point

i'm tired.

just.

so.

tired.

we're talking the pick-a-fight-in-the-car-flash-point-moody tired. there's been getting up shortly after 5 to get to work on time, to sit in front of a computer or tv studying for eight hours straight, which is so boring and mentally taxing to be absorbing so much info with no other stimulus that i keep passing out at work. then it's run to class on the other side of town outside portland (which takes maybe 40 mins, or an hour and a half depending on traffic), to either get a few bits of homework done before class...or run in breathless already late. then i catch what usually amounts to breakfast at 8:30pm, home to take a shower, and usually *d* comes over to hang out with me a while and make sure i get to sleep.

i fall asleep well, if late, and wake up happy in his arms. i have appointments and workshops on the weekends, real estate or other meetings/get-togethers during the week, school in the evenings, freak out about homework somewhere in there, never see my family (i'm the first out the door, last in), catch a shower every other day (when i'm lucky), and sometimes just opt to pass out rather than get a shower.

my room's a horrendous mess, and don't even ask me about the state of my car. i absolutely love my job, my co-workers, and my company. i love how i'm going to be helping so many people, with a company that still believes in integrity.

integrity is still huge with me.

i'm just tired. tonight is the first free night i've had in weeks, and i'm leaving a friend high and dry on her birthday just so i can stay in, answer email, blog, and unwind. i feel horrible. she came to my wonderful Rocky Horror Costume Party on my birthday.

but i've been sitting here in my fuzzy pink robe, just stopping to feel the fabric. i haven't stopped to feel much lately. too busy. too focused. too tired. i want to take a hot shower, and curl up in my bed and watch Babylon 5, not answer my phone, not do anything.

in the meantime my room needs cleaning, my car needs cleaning out, that cloak for *cc* needs crocheting, homework needs to be done, my bathroom needs scrubbing... all these things are screaming at me, and i feel wretched for wanting to cry mercy.

but if i don't, i'm gonna pop a blood vessel.

here's to taking time, listening to our bodies, and just being in the quiet.

here...

...now...

...quiet.

in a nutshell

you know those days where there's so much going on around you at once that you really can only hope to catch what's right in front of you?

...yeah, it's kinda like that.

not that i'm complaining. not by a long shot. if anything, i created all of this wonderful, crazy chaos around me. for the longest, End of March loomed before me as this gargantuan tidal wave curling in white-capped inevitability over me. ever closer, ever more encompassing.

last time, i'd mentioned the new job beginning. it's going really well, even after catching a lovely cold immediately before starting. yeah, that was a fun kick in the head. seriously, i'm meeting some really fun and nice people, learning a lot, and getting to know my way around the portland metro on a whole new scale. it's kinda neat.

there's also been my real estate group, which meets fairly often. we get together to discuss ROTH IRA's, tax liens, purchasing notes, and buying 100 houses in a year. i used to think that stuff was boring. wall street week was on the television a lot growing up, and i avoided anything remotely related to it like the plague. but now i'm learning a ton, and it's just so dang fascinating! learning how to manipulate the solid concept of money is pretty damn neat-o, seeing how all the pieces can come together, all the myriad ways i'm going to turn that knowledge into freedom, power, and money is an incredible rush.

i see now how i can quite literally pick and choose the path i'm going to take to be financially independent. and even now i'm seeing this ability manifesting. it's caused another small-yet-radical shift in my thinking. opportunities, probabilities, consequences, and my own abilities are shining like never before.

hence my comment earlier about how i create all in my life. there've been a few social functions and have met a lot of new people. in particular, i met someone new through an old friend of mine. of course, knowing i'm single, he all but set me up...the bugger.

...but i'm not complaining. *grin* actually, i find the whole thing rather cute. every available moment, we're together. after *m*, i gave up acknowledging my need for lots of touching.

there's something about being looked in the eye and told all those things i hold close to my heart that's...refreshing. someone's paying attention. i'm not all that difficult to read or understand.

spring term began today. and even still, i'm slightly apprehensive. i haven't set foot in a classroom in a decade. also, i'm my head i'm already feeling the time crunch. occasionally i've caught myself wondering if i've bitten off far more than i could chew, but i always end up asking when haven't i bitten off more than i could chew? and suddenly everything's okay again. nothing to do but forge ahead, and so i do. how often have i backed down from anything?

speaking of backing down...

recently i've gone through another series of character challenges, learning things about myself and being shown without doubt that i'm ready for wetter, wilder, and far more astounding challenges...whether i feel ready or not. (and i definitely do not feel ready!)

mainly, these challenges have everything to do with trust, surrender, and letting go. i know it may seem "surrender" and "letting go" are the same thing, but i assure you they're not. where surrender has everything to do with guarding my pride and protecting my ego, letting go is mostly about those deeper, earthier, long-buried aspects of the injured little girl inside.

last year i thought i had helped integrate her back into myself. and i know i did...in part. however, as i've grown outward and taken my abilities to a higher level, i've also uncovered a new trove of opportunities to strengthen my character (aka: i found more yayfun issues i need to work through).

i know i'll always be in the process of growing and learning, i know this. but part of me despairs that i'll never be truly free of the results of my abuse. the negative messages i lived with all those years were things i consumed on a phenominally deep level. it's as if my personal development were akin to cleaning out a dark, dank basement. after cleaning out the clutter, scrubbing the walls, painting, putting in some light and making it beautiful, i then find a trap door leading to an even deeper sub-basement.

and the process begins again.

whether or not i want to, whether or not i like it, i have to face it. unlike the situations i found myself in last year, there's a whole new caliber of intensity with this, and a whole new level of courage demanded of me. unfortunately, despite my rule here at iGoddess of absolute honesty and "hide nothing," i truly feel that posting it up here would be unsafe for me.

so i'm setting up a new blog here in the next couple of weeks. it will have absolutely no association with iGoddess or the Funkywild. but i'll be posting these new things there. i simply feel that it could seriously damage my reputation both at work and online as i begin to grow what will become my real estate investment empire. it's just too personal.

for all my lovely followers of iGoddess, if you would like to continue following my growth on the new blog, shoot me a personal email. there's one associated with this blog on my profile: igoddess [dot ] mail [at] gmail [dot ] com

otherwise email me with any address you have, if you happen to have one of my personal addresses.

if you're a lurker, i'm sorry. i won't be giving this new blog to anyone i don't know. but i'll still be maintaining iGoddess, just not at my former frequency. time constraints being what they are for me now --between working at Orkin, my secondary job, a third job i'll be taking here in the near future, my real estate group, and this new aspect of my life-- it's simply not possible. plus, i want to focus on these new challenges of mine.

as always, i thank everyone for the love and support that has been showered upon iGoddess. i'll continue to bring the Funkywild to all corners of the world far and wide.

it's simply time to take my growth to a whole new level.

may the Funk be with you.

hello...is there anybody out there?

it's been a while since i've been here. lots of things going on, and i've been focusing my writing elsewhere. lots of time and energy have been going into getting ready for the End of March. i know the ides were a few days past, but instead of the 15th looming ahead like the dire warnings of a raving prophet, it's been the 23rd, and the 31st for me.

i finally start that new job with Orkin, so i'm really excited about that. i went to lane bryant today and bought a couple pairs of pants: one for work, and a black pair for me just because they looked so fantastic. i also got fitted for some new bras and realized i'd gone up a cup size!

way to go, girls!

my calendar is spattered everywhere with "cashflow" and "meetup" everywhere. i joined a group on meetup.com for robert kiyosaki's Cashflow game, and it's really fun! not only that, but i'm meeting people who are just as serious as i am about real estate investing. i'm learning so much, and at such a phenominal rate! it makes things feel more possible for me, like what i want to do is not only well within reach, but so close it's almost frightening. i could be leaving work permanently and investing full time within two years. kind of daunting.

but oh, so exciting!

and a couple months ago i ran into an old friend, and so i've been visiting with her and her husband (also a very good friend) and just getting back into the social scene. there are so many great people, and it feels really good to be treated like an intelligent, welcome adult. and being treated like a woman. and no one pounces on me just because i'm unattached, which is a real change of pace.

gluten-free living is doing wonders for me, too. i've been gluten-free for well over a week. the mental fog is gone, as are the debilitating migraines, the joint pain, the hellacious oh-gods-i'm-gonna-puke reflux, and the sinus pressure. i'm sleeping through the night even without my holosync cd's, which is astounding all by itself. and i've already gone down a jean size.

oh. my. goddess!

there's more, but i gotta run. i just wanted to say that i'm still here, i'm still alive, the diet is going strong, and life is beautiful!

i love you all, my lovely iVillage!

thrill isn't an acquired taste

i've been exploring the aspects of thrillseeking behavior, what makes something thrilling, and the dangers and terror and heady drunken rush after you realize you survived against overwhelming terror. and so i give you a masterpiece i made a while ago.

...i need to make it into a big, fat poster and hang it up on my wall somewhere.

food to die for

all hail to bacchus, god of good wine, good food, and really good revelry!

it might've been healthy food, and completely not reminiscent of ancient rome, but still. praise all the gods of good food, and praise the universe for putting all that second-generation star dust into the right combination to form my body right here, right now, so that i am able to enjoy such pleasures of my physical incarnation.

because...damn.

thankfully, my head is only dimly pounding now, which is a far cry from two days ago. not so thankfully, i've always been prone to really bad headaches, which brew over days (sometimes a week) into full-blown, blinding, pounding, please-someone-at-least-cut-off-my-head migraines. the one i had the other day wasn't that bad, but it wasn't too far off.

but today, it was only painful enough to make me pause a few times. so i figured i'd finally get around to making that homemade chipotle burrito i'd been craving last week.

oh. my. gods.

it was so much better than that!

i broke out the coconut oil, heated up the pan until it was smoking and made the most wonderful stir-fry. i had sliced carrots, red onion, and a green bell pepper very thin. separately, i stir-fried the carrots with a little diced garlic, then threw it into a bowl. next, i stir-fried the bell pepper and red onion with ground black pepper and a couple splashes of lime juice (okay, so it was more than a couple!) until the onions and bell pepper were mainly blackened at the edges, then put that atop the carrots. after that came a whole heaping pan of white mushrooms with garlic, a couple pinches of salt, and extra coconut oil. then i julienned a small handful of fresh ginger root, just enough to fit into the palm of my hand, and sauteed it for just a few seconds.

then i diced up a fat handful of fresh cilantro and sprinkled that into the bowl, and mixed everything together. it was so pretty i had to take a few pictures of it with *cc*'s camera, just to capture it.

shauna at gluten-free girl has a really good point: looking at your food through a camera lense really makes you stop and consider your food in an entirely new light. i know every ingredient i used, chosen for health benefits and flavor both, diced up every bite with my own hands, and made a magic with that food all by myself. i could only imagine how good it was going to taste.

i let that sit while i melted more coconut oil into the pan, and heated up a pan of refried pinto beans with more garlic.

then i put it all into a bowl, and slathered it with that Amazing Guacamole of Mind-Altering Fantasmicness (oh my gods...). i sat down, put in "Just Married" into the dvd player (i love that movie, it always makes me howl with laughter no matter how many times i see it), and took my first bite.

it was...

...it was...

...goddess, it was enough to make me want to go out and start a new religion. that bite...that perfect bite! it had the perfect balance of garlic, the deep headiness of bell pepper and red onion dancing with the tany sweetness of lime juice, blanketed with the heavenliness of cilantro, with the old-home familiar refried beans at the bottom and cold contrast of guacamole on the top. and every once in a while, if i was lucky, there was a small bite of beautiful ginger giving the mexican blend just a hint of something more.

and while it may sound like sacrilege for a mexican to say no tortillas required, it's true.

i sat and had a new experience in luxurious taste just now, all those textures and flavors blending together to make the perfect aria, mixed with heaping spoonfuls of laughter.

it was... *happy sigh* oh goddess. it was just so good. you gotta try it!

absent

sorry i didn't write yesterday. there was no blogging, there was only migraine. it's better now today, but i'm still really wiped.

love and hugs, my lovelies. i'll be back (i hope) tomorrow.

gluten-free funkmaster

after some thinking last week, when my goal to be an Eye-Popping Amazon of Wild Hotness was brewing in the back of my head and my suspicion was growing that this would become my new goal, i returned to exploring shauna's place over at gluten-free girl.

*cc* is obsessed with her anti-carb campaign: Carbs Are Evil, Carbs Must Die. sometimes she talks about gluten really making her feel sluggish for a few days and drags her down. so i explored a little more at gluten-free girl. something about the back cover blurb stuck in my head, and something she'd said in an entry about being so exhausted all the time and wasting her afternoons on the couch with headaches and unable to move.

i thought to myself, "hmm, it's worth exploring." so i bought her book, which arrived yesterday. i'm already finished with it and, dear goddess lemme tell you! she could have been writing about me. now, i realize that a lot of people read her book and say the same thing, and email her and leave comments constantly thanking her for bringing celiac disease to their awareness, etc.

i'm not going to do that, or be one of those people. instead, i'm just going to say here that it gives me hope and that maybe, just maybe, her advice will make the road to my goal that much smoother.

yesterday, i did exactly what i said i would: i bought stuff to make my own homemade chipotle burrito...but with no gluten-free tortillas i've hit a bit of a speedbump. but i made the guac!

now, don't freak or anything, but being mexican i have a little bit of a guilty confession...

...i'd never made guacamole until yesterday.

i know! i know. oi... but yesterday at the supermarket, those hass 'cadoes were staring at me, flirting and seductive with their already-ripe yielding softness. so i brought them home and immediately halved them, saving the pits, and mooshed them up.

whipped them.

then i melted a 1/4 cup of the coconut oil i brought home (i was very happy to find organic, 100% coconut oil, no fillers), and added that to the mushy avocado whip. i added two handfuls of diced red onion, half a bunch of fresh diced cilantro, fresh ground pepper, a bit of salt, and a few splashes of lime juice.

oh. my. gods. it was heaven.

right before lunch today, after the guac had had a chance to nap in the fridge, it tasted even better. GODLY. i fixed myself a salad with spinach, spring greens mix, shaved carrot and fresh shaved ginger root, then put a few heaping, eager, singing glops of that guac into my salad and tossed it all together.

oh.

my.

gods.

it was so freaking unbelievable! and i used to hate avocadoes. and actually, i still can't stand the texture or taste of a naked avocado, no matter how ripe and in season. but there's just something about the spark and shout of a heap of orgasmically delicious guacamole on a homemade tortilla chip...or in a chipotle burrito. some magical transformation happens in the presence of red onion and cilantro, the finishing, miraculous touch is the vibrant splash of lime juice.

just...oh my gods.

there were also fresh, cold, green grapes for sweetness, and three soup mugs of steaming turkey broth with garlic. i sat down to a two-hour lunch, reading gluten-free girl and knowing every bite i took was a conscious choice for my health.

somehow, knowing that, it made every bite taste even better. more vibrant. and it felt as if i were eating my daily commitment to be an Eye-Popping Amazon, taking it into my body as nourishment as much as the greens, herbs, avocado, coconut...all of it.

it seems so simple, so...i dunno. sounds kinda lame. all it was, was lunch. i fixed a meal, i sat down, i ate it. but something about this afternoon made it real for me. i took that commitment into my body.

i don't think i could fall off the wagon now if i tried.

brezsny-on-the-blog

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Throx.com sells you socks in threes, so if you lose one you have an extra to take its place. Their ingenious marketing plan resembles the approach of some romance-addicts I know, who always date two or three people just in case they get dumped by one of them. No bouts of loneliness to worry about! Which brings us to my main advice for you this week, Capricorn: Have a back-up plan. Keep an alternative handy. Make sure you won't run out of the stuff you really need.


i woke up today and felt a little better. didn't want to be awake (the rapidly changing weather is wreaking havoc on my allergies) but i had gotten enough sleep. the food angst from yesterday was gone, and what a relief! lemme tell you, inside my own head i was pacing like a caged and very tense lion desperately wanting a chipotle burrito.

i resisted, for which i'm very relieved because i don't know how i would have handled being disappointed in myself today. plus, it helped that i think i had a touch of that flu that's been going around. anything i ate felt like a churning rock in my stomach.

ewww...

but there were backups at home that saved me, like mr. brezsny says. i ate a good, old-fashioned sandwich with lots of hot mustard, pickles, horseradish, and spinach. very fun. i boiled red onions and red potatoes, mashed them up, piled on the garlic, a little butter, soymilk, and fresh ground pepper, and had the most wonderful whipped potatoes on the side.

today i'm going to the store and i don't care if it's only the beginning of march. i'm buying avocadoes, romaine lettuce, cilantro, and anything else i need, and i'm gonna make me a healthier version of the chipotle burrito. i'm also bringing home more coconut oil because you just can't beat its benefits.

this goal is forcing me to think really creatively. i used to be so good about food and my eating habits. living with *ds* and *ks* polluted much more than just my fucktard intolerance. with all their complaining about my vegetarianism, about how it was so hard to go out with me to eat, how it was so hard to compromise grocery shopping for foods that all three of us could eat, how it was so hard living with a vegetarian (jeezus, they bitched more and more the healthier their company...should have listened to my instinct about them long ago), i began to ease up on my strict requirements...and became almost as disgustingly fat as they are. it's shameful.

so i'm having to break a lot of bad habits i adopted to make living with them easier on me. it's also liberating, though. it's like, "ahh! now i can go back to my regularly scheduled program."

it is definitely more difficult, turning on a dime in order to fulfill my goal of becoming an Eye-Popping Amazon of Wild Hotness, but having back-ups and alternatives handy really make the difference between keeping my commitment and being weak and letting myself be a victim to bad habits and addictions.

because i know both are a choice, and i have to choose to be a disappointment to myself should i fall off the wagon. and why would i want to choose that? especially in the face of all the health and self-esteem benefits, not to mention being visually pleasing...

as a FunkMaster thinketh..

...so are they.

the above quote is an adaptation of the quote from Proverbs 23:7 "For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he." now, that particular section was talking about being careful to avoid fostering envy in your heart and focusing on the false trappings of wealth and of pursuing wealth for its own sake. greed and envy have no place in true success and abundance.

in his book The 11 Forgotten Laws, bob proctor says, "2% of people think, 3% of people think they think and 95% of people would rather die than think!"

we all know people who are like that, who would rather die than think. we also know people who seem to think, but their lives reveal the fucktard within. most people are actually surprised when they meet someone who thinks, who walks their talk, and lives a life in integrity. i know i am.

well, i used to be. now that i seek people who are thinkers, believers, and honest integrity practitioners, i find them everywhere. i recently found a treasure trove of people like that, actually.

what started this whole entry was a quote by paul tournier that i just so happened to trip over. it said, "sooner or later, those who win are those who think they can."

does anyone remember the story of kara goucher, how she placed third in the NYC Marathon and in that race was the first woman in 14 years to place in the top three, and her time was a record-breaker for women in that race. this was after years of declining performance and injury after debilitating injury. but she switched coaches and kept training. during that race, the commentators kept saying things like, "oh look, and from behind, here comes kara. wouldn't it be funny if she placed?" but throughout the entire race never believed she would.

when interviewed, she said that she knew there were only two people there who believed she could place with a medal: her husband, and her coach. with kara, they were the only three people who believed in her, but they believed.

everyone can agree that actions produce consequences. nowadays, the word "consequences" has such a bad reputation and negative connotation, but all it means is something that logically or naturally follows from an action or condition. all actions have consequences, all the way down to breathing. even by standing still, just breathing, you are consuming oxygen, burning energy, consuming water (in your cells), etc. just existing has consequences.

people never think any farther than this. but thoughts give birth to actions, and actions birth consequences.

this, in a nutshell, is the logic behind the premise in The Secret, how thoughts become things.

this doesn't encompass just anything in your life, however. and herein lies the secret frog you must eat: this encompasses everything in your life. every little...tiny...thing. from the place you live to the health of your heart; from whether you like your job to how much you sleep each night; from how many friends you have, to your relationship with your parents.

you contribute to them all. how you feel about them is up to you and only you. how it has affected you is up to you, and only you.

...and it all begins with a thought. now how powerful is that?

stay tuned for Part II, Frog-Eating and You: The Frog Prince

the morning after

well...yesterday was The Great Today, where i began to achieve my new goal of becoming an Eye-Popping Amazon of Wild Hotness.

i cannot tell you how overpowering my carb addiction withdrawals are right now, oh my goddess. usually they don't kick in for a few days going carb-free. well, yesterday i went with *cc* and Little Brother to my favorite grill and packed myself full of garlic-and-ginger veggie stir fry. so i wasn't hungry the rest of the day. i love that place, because i quite literally control exactly what goes onto my plate, and what's in it.

so even if i could have had carbs yesterday, i just wasn't hungry. but today, holy hell! i'm light-headed, there's a rock in my stomach, i'm antsy, exhausted, having horrid reflux, and can't even bring myself to even drink tea. honestly, i can't tell if i have a touch of the flu that's been going around, or if it's my own head creating this "OH MY GODS! NO CARBS!!" freakout and trying to convince me that i will fall over dead if i don't have pasta.

now, to be honest, i've heretofore been utterly unsuccessful quitting my carb addiction in times past. all i know is that i always feel ten worlds better after a huge bowl of spaghetti once a month when i get..."edgy." i think it's all the dopamine and sugars produced after white, gluten-laden pastas. because i actually don't get the same satisfaction or effect after eating my mexican beans and rice, or tortillas, or wheat bread.

gotta be the sugars and dopamine in white pastas, and we all know sugar and dopamine are addictive chemicals even though they're naturally produced in our bodies.

buckminster fuller said, "don't fight forces, work with them." so i'm looking for ways to implement what he said and not fight this addiction and its withdrawals (and my obsession over lack of pasta), but work with it. so far i've been unsuccessful finding a way to channel that excess energy. i imagine it just means i'm drawing closer to a solution, but i'm turning to my lovely iVillage --all of you-- to help me come up with ideas.

because it's exactly this addiction that derails me every time. and this time i will not fail in my endeavors to be an Eye-Popping Amazon.

in the meantime, i recommit to my goal today. now, in the spirit of taking better care of my body, i'm going to go lie down. i hope i''m not getting sick, and i'm thinking healthy thoughts, but you can never go wrong with getting rest.

time marches on

so if yesterday i said, "eat, drink, and be merry! for tomorrow i diet," then i must admit that today is tomorrow.

and i have to admit that i got to bed an hour late and still woke up right on time. so i'm yawning like crazy. you know those, wide-mouthed, jaw-popping, eye-scrunching, near-violent yawns that flood your eyes with tears and make you a little light-headed? i keep taking off my reading glasses to rub my eyes. i put my glasses back on, only to take them off three second later to rub more yawn-induced tears out of my eyes.

i want to go back to bed.

instead i'm sitting here, writing this entry so i can --as boho mom said so perfectly-- be a role model.

y'know, i've worked out and dieted before. i've altered my eating habits for a lifestyle change. i've said, "i want a better body," but here i am, still stuck with the fat body i was born with. i've always been fat, my whole life. i don't know how to imagine me looking any other way. i was fat as a kid, fat as a teenager, and now i'm 204. which, btw, i find reprehensible.

but i've been watching myself slowly get a little cottage cheesy, and honestly i accepted it. i've fought against my weight my whole life, and nothing did more than help me shed maybe ten pounds and that was it. i've thought, all this time, that i would always look like this and never be my own personal version of beautiful. and i accepted it.

i gave in, and accepted it as my reality. and that, more than any other reason, is why i've remained a chunky chica this whole time.

never before --until now-- have i accepted something different. well, now i'm here and i've made the choice to accept that now...because i'm thirty, flirty, and fabulous...because this is the Year of the Funky Wow...because this is the Delenaissance...i'm making a different reality for myself. i accept that i can do this, and i will.

and even more importantly, i find accepting the reality of being fat and hating my body is UNacceptable. from here on out, i reject it. in its place, i accept the reality that i can be an Eye-Popping Amazon of Wild Hotness.

and i'm going to do it right. i've had no luck doing this on my own, so i'm going to employ help. i'm telling everyone i know, so i have their support and encouragement...and accountability. think of it like reinforcement when the confidence gets a little weak. which it will! i'm human, and i too have my cycles of ups and downs, confidence and self-doubt.

boho mom also reminded me of something else. in her last comment, she saids she vows to be here every day. correct me if i'm wrong, boho, but i think you meant you'll come here every day to keep yourself motivated to lose the Tostito Twenty (cousin to the Freshman Fifteen, lol).

well you know what? i promise to be here, too. i accept that i'll also be here every day because commitment --true commitment-- is a discipline to be practiced, exercised, and renewed every single day. too many people think commitment is a choice you make once and magically are resolute every single day for the rest of your life, when the truth is that it's a choice made anew every single day.

well, today i make the choice to commit to my decision to be an Eye-Popping Amazon of OMFG.

(and my yawns are gone)

eat, drink, and be merry...

...for tomorrow i diet.

the other day, during my drug test and physical for the Orkin inspector position, i weighed in at 204 lbs.

this. was. horrifying.

i mean, after having a roomate who was morbidly obese, i saw the disgusting horrors of letting myself go, so it always gave me incentive to keep active and maintain a respectable diet.

but seeing 204 on that old-fashioned, calibrated counterweight scale made me very Not Pleased At All.

so starting tomorrow --the first weekday of a new month-- i'm going all-out. cold turkey quitting all my lovely, lovely carbs. no more eating meat simply because it's convenient for the people around me (and yes, being a vegetarian is DAMN DIFFICULT in a house full of enthusiastic carnivores). no more bagels and cream cheese.

*cries*

on the other hand, this position at Orkin will give me opportunities that no other job has, simply because of my salary. i plan on going back to total system cleansing (intestinal, kidney, liver), detox flushes, and i have made a promise to myself to work with a personal trainer and nutritionist the moment i have a steady income and have worked out my budget. considering i have 3 job offers, all of which i'm going to take, money will be easy.

and we all know that when delena sets her mind to something, she always gets it.

my goal is not a set number, not a weight or measurement. i know what i want to see in the mirror, and a feeling i want to have when i see my end result in the mirror.

how many people remember linda hamilton as sarah connor in Terminator 2?? or sigourney weaver as ripley in the Alien trilogy? that's my goal: to look as close to my two favorite action heroines as i physically can.




so let's see...i decided to get out of my depressive, self-injuring anti-Funk...and i did.

i decided to create the solid, loving family foundation and only have people in my life that supported and loved me wildly...and i did.

i decided i wanted love in my life...and i do.

i decided to take the next logical steps into the personal development major leagues, including school, networking, and working with professionals...and i did.

now, i'm deciding to sculpt and fashion my body into the most gorgeous, healthy, strong, and beautiful temple for my spirit...and i'm going to do it.

ask any figure in history who made a difference what their secret was, how they accomplished what they set out to do. mother teresa, gandhi, editor-in-chief of the L.A. Times...they all say the same thing:

i just set my mind to it.