grr, arg...

my level of inspiration lately astounds me.

i've been realizing, 1-2 days later, that i missed a particular blog day. i can't remember the last "what's the word?" monday i remembered, and it'll be friday or saturday before i realize that i missed the latest "thursday 13." i'm just so freakin' wow lately. part of me thinks that, after the past few months, i've just wrung myself out. another part of me thinks that i've spent so much intensive time with brutal honesty that i need to take my heart to the hospital and have it put in traction.

my books on codependence are sitting in my room with stuff on them so i don't even have to look at the titles. i've been spending a lot of time with the heartbreaking work of staggering genius, though... i got over the boring-ass scene and ended up writing two more scenes which sounds impressive, but really isn't. i should be writing 500 words a day, which isn't much. when i'm on a roll, i can write 1000 in a couple hours, and 3000 with a lunch break and a couple episodes of buffy the vampire slayer or hand maid may stuck in somewhere.

this week has been totally pathetic for writing, though, i'm sorry to say. monday i spent most of my day busing back from downtown; tuesday i had an interview in friggin' milwaukie (which means the only way i can justify working this job if i get it is that i'll be re-trained to my first profession ever: pet grooming, which i love); wednesday i was incapacitated by the migraine from hell, wherein i asked *cc* if she had any real painkillers like, y'know, vicodin or a shotgun; thursday i picked up my li'l sis, *t* from the airport and SHE'S HERE FOR A WEEK!!!!

*cc* and *mj* finally got to see firsthand what i've been telling them all this time: the dee they know is a very tame and pale version of the real dee. my true and blossoming colors don't really come out for anyone who's not my younger siblings. i dunno. the three of us have always just had this thing. *a*'s best friend *mh* and now his girlfriend mimi have been added to the group to make us a rowdy five. i'd have to say that only for them am i really my pure self, and with *t* up here it just feels so abso-fucking-lutely GREAT to relax and really be ME me. i don't have to tone me down for anybody.

plus, there's just something in me that relaxed the minute i saw *t* at the terminal. someone gets it, someone else has been there. she won't look at me strangely when i come out with my one-liners or quirkyfunky mannerisms that crack me up: she was there when those things were invented. i'm not alone in a personality-type strangeness that makes me feel like a perpetual freak outsider, where people are thinking, "yeah, you're eccentric and hilarious, but keep it over there and be normal when you're around us, 'kay?" because she's that way, too. i don't have to explain myself. she knows exactly where i'm coming from, how i think, and that i'm not exaggerating. hell, out of all us girls in the family, she got the worst from the bio-dad. on the other hand, her teenage years have been the best of all us girls, too. the bio-parents finally realize that freedom actually does wonders for individuals.

what a goddamn concept.

but yeah. having my li'l sis up is like coming home, where you can wash off your makeup and stop sucking it in. i mean, you're still you, sucking it in and wearing makeup, but not as you. y'know?