just shoot me

y'know, if i were a horse, they'd have shot me by now. it's so unfair, being all nice to horses and making humans live through the pain.

egads. after six fingers of rum, a hard cider, two niaproxin (sp?), and two ibuprofen, i'm finally starting to feel as if i might possibly be able to walk a few steps upright.

actually upright.

today was so tough on the back i actually came home unable to unbend past a 45 degree angle, and i plopped down on the futon and actually cried. i haven't cried from pain in seven years, not since li'l *c* was b--

wait, not even then. i cried from relief, actually, when they finally tore him out of me because the nine-month hell was finally over, but not from pain. not even from all those gallbladder attacks, or even the megillah gallbladder attack of doom. i didn't even cry then. i didn't cry when i dislocated my shouder, i didn't cry when i broke all those toes of mine. i didn't cry when *jd* popped my elbow out of joint for talking back, and i don't think i cried all those times i was hit.

the last, the absolute last time i remember crying from actual pain was the baseball bat incident. imagine that. in twenty years. it hurt that much, and i was that tired. too tired to fight the tears off and swallow them down because crying is stupid.

i want to be drunk. just smashed off my ass, but i'm clear-as-a-bell sober, and i'm fucking exhausted, but i can't get to sleep. no matter how much i want to.

this is one of those nights where i hate my body even more than usual, and i pray for a bullet in the head. at least i'd get to fucking sleep.


Rob said...

Whoa. I didn't know your back was that wacked out. :( I'm sorry. Maybe acupunture?

mich said...

Little goddess ... embracing you in the silver and blue light of healing ...

Anonymous said...

Oy! I take it you're in pain?
Try some yoga poses specifically for the back.
Child poses, etc.
Maybe google them?
Popped elbow?....ewwww....gives me the heebie jeebies just thinking of that pain!
Sending you soothing pain-free vibes ~~~~~~~~~~~~
And no hangover vibes too ~~~~~~~~~

Azzy said...

I was groaning while reading that because I've had a few severe backaches in the past and I know the pain is intense. Wish I could wave my magic wand (yes, I have one of those :p) and take it all away but it's recharging at the moment. So instead, I'm joining your other friends in sending healing vibes your way. Get better soon.