what's that word again?

from the oxford-delena dictionary

pleased
adj.

1. experiencing or manifesting pleasure
2. feeling pleasurable satisfaction over something by which one measures their self-worth
3. what delena finally is when it comes to her life

i guess this is where i say the words i've been waiting a very long time to say: i have arrived! now, before you get your knickers in a twist, lemme finish.

when i say "i have arrived!" i don't mean that this is it, there's no more growth for me, no siree, i'm done, estoy listo! uh-uh. what i mean is that i have arrived at the place where i've been trying to get to for the past year. the place where i can look at myself in the mirror and know that i have it in me. i have It in ME. that certain something that says, "i'll always get up one more time than i'm knocked down," and which says it with that absolute, sparkle-in-its-eye confidence that's unshakable.

no more simply "surviving," like a flimsy tree in a storm, flapping this way and that, at the mercy of the storm. i've been a survivor, yes, but i've been so only because what doesn't kill you only delays the inevitable. i can't die from sadness, and believe me, i've tried. but now, i've established my place in the world, and it's a place i've chosen, and with which i'm ecstatically happy. for the first time in my life i feel like i know who i am, and it's not an identity dependant upon my relationship to anyone else. i am delena, and i stand alone as delena. i'm not delena-and-so-and-so.

i am delena, and complete unto myself. and i fucking kick ass.

three different times in the past ten years, i've worked at pet grooming salons. at my first job, the shop owner hated me and i was apprenticed to a groomer behind her back. i desperately wanted to learn, because even at 18 i knew that i couldn't be stuck in back-end, entry-level jobs forever. today at work, my manager and i were talking about the different aspects of the shop.

"see?" she said. "you're gonna be so easy, i can tell. i'm so excited!"

inside, i glowed. finally, all that shit i put up with at all three shops was finally putting up flowers. while the other new girl was figuring out how to blow dry a bichon frisé, the mgr and i were talking about different shampoos/rinses and how they, and grooming technology, have changed in the past ten years.

totally. i've so arrived. now i just need to keep going, hehe.