actions speak louder than words

this place is my downfall.

i can tell i'm getting to a really bad place. not only have i not been eating well, i've been eating things with faces lately. chicken. fish. beef.

gods, it's so gross, but it's like i can't stop. and i've been smoking a lot lately, too.

it's one of my lingering verybad habits left over from my high school days. when i'm really stressed, i'll eat tons of crap until i can't stand it, then i'll starve myself and commit suicide at the gym. i'm hitting that "can't stand it" stage. however, i haven't indulged myself in this bad habit of mine in quite a few years. until now, anyway. that makes me nervous.

i've been seriously thinking about calling the whole thing off and not moving. i have. i've been weighing my options, standing a lot of things up to logic. the largest point of logic being if A, then B. if *m* is now definitely leaving his job with the county over there, but still wants to be a cop, then why not move him up here and get him a job with the portland PD? they're looking for men right now. it would be better for me in countless ways. but that's just it.

it would be better for me. not us. better for us is idaho.

on the way to chipotle --home of the UnGodly Burrito of Doom-- i stopped by the other salon where i was working back in july. i needed some paperwork info, but the salon manager and i started talking. we've been so excruciatingly slow at my home salon she offered me a table at her salon to help me get through this gap. the faster i'll be making commission, in other words, and the faster i can move to idaho.

i jumped on that offer faster than a cat on a cricket.

just goes to show: no matter how much i'm hating life right now, no matter how much sleep i'm not getting, how much i'm punishing my body, how much anger i'm repressing, or how much stress and fear are ruining me right now...it's all just temporary, and i know what i want.

and what i want is to move to idaho.