brezsny-on-the-blog

CAPRICORN (Dec 22-Jan 19): Last November, Major League Baseball announced that New York Mets' pitcher Guillermo Mota had tested positive for steroids and would therefore be suspended for 50 games at the beginning of the new season. A month later, the Mets signed Mota to a new, two-year $5 million dollar contract, despite knowing that his recent accomplishments on the baseball field had almost certainly been inflated by the steroids' boost. I foresee a comparable scenario unfolding in your life, Capricorn. You'll be rewarded in the wake of a penalty or limitation that was imposed on you, and the gain will outstrip the loss. It may even be the case that the good coming your way will be related to or aided by the "bad" thing you did.


okay, i'm still scratching my head on this one. if it's obvious to others, please, dear beauty and truth fans, please help!

i'm chafing under many limitations and penalties right now, some of which have been shackles around my ankle for years. some of these limitations make me scream inside with frustration and hopelessness. it feels like i'm alone in all the world, like i'm the first to ever feel something like this. i know i'm not, but that wasn't the point. it's how it feels to me.

i fear that the gain mr. brezsny's talking about here won't manifest unless i draw it to myself. of course, pronoiac that i am, i know that if i believe that, it's how it will come to pass. because i have made it so. however, the road grows ever steeper, my heart ever darker, and the Funk is still nowhere to be found. my fear has taken on a life of its own, and all it seems to do in its driven instinct is hurt everyone around it and run. except i can't run because i've grown out of that habit.

and the person dearest to my heart only sees my fear reaction as a personal attack and so attacks me right back. i'm always a hairsbreadth from collapsing into sobs, and the slightest trigger sets me snarling and biting. they say to face fear and not let it control you. but what happens when it already has you in a death grip and squeezes tighter every day? and i feel so alone. the words, "i've already done everything i can, i don't know what else you want me to do," add guilt and shame on top of this freezing, almost-sentient Fear.

maybe this Fear is my limitation. it's certainly a crippling one. and no Funk may flourish in a heart sown with fear.