CAPRICORN (Dec 22-Jan 19): Last November, Major League Baseball announced that New York Mets' pitcher Guillermo Mota had tested positive for steroids and would therefore be suspended for 50 games at the beginning of the new season. A month later, the Mets signed Mota to a new, two-year $5 million dollar contract, despite knowing that his recent accomplishments on the baseball field had almost certainly been inflated by the steroids' boost. I foresee a comparable scenario unfolding in your life, Capricorn. You'll be rewarded in the wake of a penalty or limitation that was imposed on you, and the gain will outstrip the loss. It may even be the case that the good coming your way will be related to or aided by the "bad" thing you did.

okay, i'm still scratching my head on this one. if it's obvious to others, please, dear beauty and truth fans, please help!

i'm chafing under many limitations and penalties right now, some of which have been shackles around my ankle for years. some of these limitations make me scream inside with frustration and hopelessness. it feels like i'm alone in all the world, like i'm the first to ever feel something like this. i know i'm not, but that wasn't the point. it's how it feels to me.

i fear that the gain mr. brezsny's talking about here won't manifest unless i draw it to myself. of course, pronoiac that i am, i know that if i believe that, it's how it will come to pass. because i have made it so. however, the road grows ever steeper, my heart ever darker, and the Funk is still nowhere to be found. my fear has taken on a life of its own, and all it seems to do in its driven instinct is hurt everyone around it and run. except i can't run because i've grown out of that habit.

and the person dearest to my heart only sees my fear reaction as a personal attack and so attacks me right back. i'm always a hairsbreadth from collapsing into sobs, and the slightest trigger sets me snarling and biting. they say to face fear and not let it control you. but what happens when it already has you in a death grip and squeezes tighter every day? and i feel so alone. the words, "i've already done everything i can, i don't know what else you want me to do," add guilt and shame on top of this freezing, almost-sentient Fear.

maybe this Fear is my limitation. it's certainly a crippling one. and no Funk may flourish in a heart sown with fear.


Az said...

You're going through a difficult time right now because fear usually comes along with change. Things will get better for you. I know they will. Have faith in yourself and your decisions. If you follow a road to the end and don't like what you find, you can always turn around and find a new path, or stroll back to where you started. *hugs*

Anonymous said...

Life changes. Fear happens. And I know you've felt fear before.... but, of course, this time it's different.... deeper. Because no two life experiences are identical, and for people so spectacularly intense as you, the experiences only get more and more intense as you grow.........

Whatever happens, some things never change. Some love can't be destroyed by change, fear, hurt, anger, misunderstanding, or any other of the pains you might be suffering through with this love or have suffered through with .... other.... love, of friends or family or mates.

Whatever happens, you'll always have a fallback.... some love doesn't go away. You'll always have someplace to come home to. And should things go well, you'll always have someone to celebrate with, even if only by phone most days. Whatever happens, you'll always have your friends. You were wrong, in your earlier blog, where you said you wouldn't have any friends when you got to Indiana.... You'll always have us.... we just might be a little farther away.

Greggo said...

the essence of any relationship is understanding. you have to understand his desire to want you to have no reservations about moving - that he is enough for you, but at the same time, he should understand exactly what you are giving up for him, and why it is so hard for you. it needs to work both ways though. you should not feel guilt for being fearful of something that most people would not have the heart to attempt in the first place.

you know i know of fear, and i certainly know of it as a limitation. that's why you don't talk to me anymore. but you have known greater fears even than this, and you know NO limitations. the funk, which is merely hiding, but is still inside of you, knows no limitations. you will overcome this fear, and reap your gain, because that is what you do. it is the very soul of delena.

Anonymous said...

Wow.... Indiana.... I was in the wrong part of the country. What I said still stands! Just consider it geographically corrected by proxy. (i.e. THIS post is right. Idaho.... that's right. THIS part of the country........ yeah....... SMACK ME....)

iGoddess said...

lol that's just hilarious. kotabear, my darling brother, that's just hilarious...

hi-larious. *nod*

and i love you, too. =)