what's that word again?

from the oxford-delena dictionary


1. the female human being (distinguished from man)
2. an adult female
3. feminine quality or aspect; womanliness
4. that mysterious creature who, of tender heart and gentle spirit, captures the imagination
5. a philosophy unto herself
6. (v) (as in to be woman) the continuing struggle of self-discovery
7. so vastly different from a man in all ways as to be a separate species entirely

i used to joke that God made Man first. after all, you gotta have a rough draft before the finished masterpiece.

now, i've commented before on how different men and women are. finally and at long last, i've met someone who has actually motivated me to climb out of my mental rut and educate myself on those differences. for once, i actually care about those differences...and bridging them. last night, in keeping with this newfound concern i have for the differences between the sexes, i asked my dad for advice.

"okay, honey, what kind of advice?" he asked.

"well," i said, "how to talk to a man."

"directly," he said. of course, he went on to say other things. those things were in direct keeping with what i had learned in that book, love & respect, that i mentioned a couple posts ago. however, one thing dad said was that a woman talks in circles. he also said that you can ask a woman "what's wrong?" and she'll say something to the effect of, "if i have to tell you, then you just don't care about me." of course, his response to this was, "...which is bullshit."

i disagree. the female mind works very differently from the male version. she is always thinking of how she can make the lives easier of the person or people she loves, especially her partner. she is always thinking of how to please him/them. if something were bothering him, she would put forth the work, effort, and time to figure out what was bothering him just as she does to figure out what he likes, where he'd like to go out to eat tonight, what his routine is when he wakes up or gets home, et cetera. she likes to know everything she can about him, because knowing him is one of the ways she powerfully shows how deeply she loves him.

the female mind is also always asking, "does he love me the way i love him? would he do for me the things i do for him?" of course, when the answer is no, then the female mind and heart are deeply hurt. it's not "bullshit," it's the female mind, deep as the waters beneath the tranquil surface of the sea, and twice as unexplored.

men can put forth effort to learn how to speak to us, however. it's not difficult, or illegal, but it does take effort.

now, i've been putting what i've learned into practice with *m*, and so far i daresay it's been making a lot of headway. i love him, therefore i'm going to try to learn how to speak male by reading "male to recognizable english" dictionaries when i find them. i fervently wish he would make the same effort for me.

like any woman, all i want is all i give.

lately there's been a lot of social and political bullshit flying around *m*'s office, of which he is the last and final of four targets. two years ago, during the sheriff election, he and three other men were leading roles in supporting and voting for the other guy. now, only *m* is left in the force, and they're doing everything they can to push him out. it's *m*'s own version of the Summer of Funky Kali Love.

well, they've succeeded, and he's put in his letter of resignation today. last night, when i told my dad (a cop as long as i've been alive) what was happening, his advice was to stay, to go on record, and then begin the process of leaving. otherwise, he said, the implications can and will ruin any chance he ever has of picking up his career in the future. i, being a woman who loves her man and (now) knows a man's work is part of his identity, became extremely worried for his sake.

i emailed him about it and gave him my dad's email address. i begged him to email my dad and see what he had to say. i begged him. i said --twice-- "i am begging you, please do this." i even said that it would make me happy if he did, that it would put me at ease.

he said no.

now, it's not that he didn't take my dad's advice that hurts. it's not that he went ahead and set things in motion which we won't feel the repercussions for quite some time. it's not even that he didn't do what i wanted him to.

what cuts to the core is that i begged him to do a simple thing --just send my dad an email-- and he wouldn't do it. i begged him.

do i seem like a person who would beg for anything?

yesterday i woke up and realized that i was finally taking the first steps up and out of this Void of nonFunk. by no means was i out of it, but i could feel i was slightly "higher" than how low i've been lately. i made a few decisions that i've been stressing over lately, and i actually felt like i was ready to make those decisions. of course, dinner with my parents always helps, and i felt fantastic after an evening with them.

spending time with them always makes me feel so charged, so loved and confident and so much better.

when i woke up this morning and read *m*'s email refusal to my request, that shaky confidence fell. i was on the brink of tears all day. dogs struggling and being difficult on my table, which normally leaves me nonplussed (unless it's just a real shit of a day), had me using all my willpower to simply remain stoic instead of dissolving into a frustrated puddle of hopeless tears right there in the salon.

*m*'s seriously thinking of filing a lawsuit because of the final straw in this whole stupid fiasco. to me, the "last straw" was over sticks and stones. namecalling. yes, i know to a man, "integrity" is as much his definition as "motherhood" would be to me, and attacking his integrity is just as insulting, degrading, and undermining as when my bio-mom said i should never have been a mother and li'l *c* was better off without me. to this day, it still hurts and angers me. but if i filed a lawsuit over every defamation of character i've endured, i'd be in litigations until fuckin' doomsday.

i'm uprooting my life for this man, giving up being near everything i hold dear. i'm going to be the breadwinner, seeing as how he's resigning from the police force and is taking a significant pay cut in his new job. every problem, headache, and crisis that comes from this lawsuit is going to be just as much mine as it will be his. i'm throwing my lot in with a man who cannot even do one thing when his woman is on her knees begging for him to do it.

to me, this doesn't just tell me he didn't want to. to my female mind and heart, it tells me he doesn't hold me in high enough regard, doesn't respect me or love me enough to do something for me even though it is difficult.

how many things have i done, am i planning to do, and will do in the future for him even though i find them terrifying, intimidating, difficult, humiliating, financially near-impossible, or just plain unpleasant? how can i know that i can come to him and feel confident i'll get my needs met, that i'm safe asking him for things, when begging him gets nothing?

what little confidence i had is gone. this isn't reassuring to me that i'm doing the right thing, moving. i can't ask him for things. i've learned now that i just can't, and it's not like this was the first time i tried, either. i still don't know how to talk to him. he has enough burdens right now, i would hate to add one more. but my confidence that my heart is safe with him is pretty shaky right now.

if he begged me for anything --anything-- he knows i would drop everything and already be thinking of ways to meet his request even before the words are completely out of his mouth. when he asks me for things, to do things, to go places, even when i don't want to, the word "no" doesn't even cross my mind. it just doesn't. he asks, and i say yes. i love him. instantly giving him what he wants, simply to make him happy, is all i'm thinking of.

i begged him, and he couldn't do one thing. a simple email, even if only to humor me, and he couldn't even do that. how is it going to be when we're actually under the same roof?

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Dammit, I wish I was there and I'd give you a hug and then we could get smashed and laugh for a while.

Don't expand how you're feeling now into huge future what ifs, be logical but don't let your mind run off just yet.

Love you