8.12.2007

what's that word again?

from the oxford-delena dictionary

hidden
adj.

1. concealed, obscure, covert
2. concealed from sight, prevented from being seen or discovered
3. obscured from knowledge or exposure
4. what many of delena's truths have been until now


so today i did it. in a moment of distraction, of total non-paying attention, i slipped up and used the words "our" and "goals" together in the same sentence. i've been so careful to only use inclusive words like "we" and "our" only around *m*, *cc*, and *mj*, for obvious reasons. anywhere else, i've said, "*m* and i," or, "last week with *m*." discussing ownership or anything else regarding this new life of mine, i've avoided calling anything "ours."

i've kind of been refusing to refer to or even look at *m* and delena as a single unit.

but i went out with *v* tonight for dinner and a movie, and she happened to ask how long i had until the move. "beginning of october i leave," i said. we talked a bit more, then i heard the baleful words come out of my mouth: "yup. i'm not sure how close it'll be, but the first week of october's our goal."

it didn't hit me for over an hour just how fucking huge that was, or how disturbing.

of course, all day long all i could think of was the future. and not just any future, but the best possible future.

i realized something else tonight, driving home. it's funny. dancing queen used to be my theme song, but that was also back when i actually was seventeen. i just kept it because i couldn't find anything else fitting. but i've really liked my life by billy joel for quite some time. i always end up playing it five, six, ten times in a row and singing it at the top of my lungs in the car.

it's my new theme song, gods damn it all.


and other things have been hidden until tonight.

i was in an absolutely fantastic mood tonight. i was driving home feeling like the world was mine. all was right with my world. the word "goodbye" was even on the tip of my metaphorical tongue, watching portland speed past me as i drove down the highway.

then tonight i finally got to talk to *m* after a few days of nothing, for stupid phone company reasons i shall not go into at this time. but i've been in an increasingly frustrated and foul mood because of my *m* deprivation. so i caught him on the online messenger and we talked. and my foul mood worsened instead of dissipated like i had expected it to. i watched myself get increasingly dry-humored, blunt, and bitter the more i talked to him. even as i didn't want to stop talking to him --because it's been days since we talked and we've never gone a night without talking-- i really wanted to just be refreshingly, cathartically, unrestrainedly mean and nasty tonight.

i was in a bad mood the entire time he was up here vacationing. my mood continued in idaho. it vanished the moment my plane took off. but tonight it came back in full force so quickly that i'm forced to admit it never disappeared to begin with. it merely went below the surface.

i don't get it, but it's something i have to figure out. i'm so run-down and un-Funkified i'm getting sick.

3 comments:

Az said...

As much as you want this, deep down I think you're really nervous about it all because no matter how much you try to convince yourself that everything's going to work out great, there's still that element of fear that comes with any new endeavor.

Maybe talking and being with *m* right now brings that nervousness/fear to the forefront and when that happens you unconsciously toss up a defensive shield that is powered by plain old mean and nastiness. Just a thought.

Bohemian Mom said...

You're in the midst of a huge transitional period. That, combined with your previously posted "lack of support" regarding this move, you're just overwhelmed I think.
Scared? Probably...I know I would be. It doesn't matter how postively and confidently we try to approach our life experiences, there always remains the residual shit from our past experiences, and they affect our frame of mind.
Not trying to play Freud here, but do you think you're subconsciously "testing" *m*?
To see if he's worthy? Dedicated enough to share a life with the fabulous Delena?
I know myself, I tend to sabotage relationships before they reach the point of evolving to a more serious level. It's how I stay safe.
Do not sabotage this.
Get some rest and connect with your inner funk. I send you virtual cups of hot steaming chai tea & chocolate biscotti for dunking. Find your happy place and be true to yourself.

..."I don't care what you say, anymore, this is myyyyyyyy life!..."

Anonymous said...

I'm a Billy Joel fan from way back and am very happy to share what used to be my song.....I haven't used it for years I must admit.

You know I know exactly what you mean... moods, being run down, getting sick. It sucks but just be aware of how far you let yourself go, we Goddesses have a very bad habit of thinking we should be indestructable.

Love you. *hugs*
Dizzy