restoring my natal-yet-burgeoning faith in love, *m* came through for me and proved why --despite the rough road we've had ever since the fatefulwonderful invitation to live in idaho with him-- my faith in him as a man and my love has never wavered. my conficence in other things might suffer occasionally, but one thing i do know is that it's due more to human failing (on both our parts) than any character flaw. i know my sweet baboo isn't an ass, and he's so far above big *c* as a man that any comparison would be foolish beyond foolishness.
after all i've been through, after all i've changed, would Delena of the Funkywild suffer the presence of someone like big *c*? or *n*? or (the Divine Wow forbid) someone like *axe*? i think not! to do that would be to undermine the entire Funkywowness that is delena's life now. i've worked too damn hard this year to fall back into that. hell, i've worked too damn hard to enter into that in the first place.
the thing of it is, i first entered into this relationship looking for and at different things than i usually do. i was looking for someone my father would approve of, firstly. i was watching to see if he got along with my family, if building a relationship with them was important to him. my family is the most precious thing i could ever have and is half of what defines me (the Funk being the other half). if they all didn't get along together, it never could have worked. i looked for conversation, similar ways of thinking, same sense of humor. i looked for a strength and will which would (at the very least) match mine. and he had to be damned intelligent.
primeval as it sounds, i was looking for someone who could bring me firmly under heel...but with a heart so gentle he would never crush my spirit. if anything, my spirit had to be one of the things he loved most about me.
pretty tall order.
i also had no expectations about where this would go. as i told my dad when he asked where this was going, "as far as it goes, i suppose," i said. but from the beginning i was measuring it for long-term. i guess it means i'm growing up, but we'll just overlook that minor hazard...
*m* not only met all my requirements (family, harmony, strength, intelligence, and compassion) but stepped up and was afraid of nothing i presented before him. such a man is rare enough. how could i not respect and love him above all others, placing him first in my heart? these qualities are of his character, something so fundamental in him as to be unshakable. the problems, the fights, the hurt...those are human failings. none of us are perfect.
last night *m* read my previous entry. to say he was stricken puts it mildly, but i'm glad he read it. i never could have talked about it half so well as i could write it. our conversation about it was over messenger which, i think, also helped. more writing. we cleared up a lot of things, and we're finally beginning to learn how to talk to one another, and how to hear what the other is trying to say. once again, he stepped up and showed he's made of the stuff so very few men are made of...
i've never had that in a relationship before. i know i'm safe with him, and i trust him. outside of my family (my brothers and father), *m* is the only man i do trust.
so things are good. there's peace, and understanding, love, openness, and respect. and growth! things are good.