8.13.2007

quite honestly...

As much as you want this, deep down I think you're really nervous about it all because no matter how much you try to convince yourself that everything's going to work out great, there's still that element of fear that comes with any new endeavor.

Maybe talking and being with *m* right now brings that nervousness/fear to the forefront and when that happens you unconsciously toss up a defensive shield that is powered by plain old mean and nastiness. Just a thought.
-Az

azzy, oh my lovely and unbeatable goddess of roleplaying, my friend and my muse, you're so freakin' absolutely right it's not even funny. so much just gets triggered inside me when idaho and the move become more than an abstract idea taking place in the future, and talking with *m* makes it really-not-abstract. it's, like, in my face real.

You're in the midst of a huge transitional period. That, combined with your previously posted "lack of support" regarding this move, you're just overwhelmed I think. Scared?

yes.

Not trying to play Freud here, but do you think you're subconsciously "testing" *m*?
To see if he's worthy? Dedicated enough to share a life with the fabulous Delena?

well, not so much testing him as scared as hell i'm going to move down there, get comfortable, and then he's going to realize i'm insufferable and not worth putting up with. thanks for calling me "the fabulous Delena," though...

Do not sabotage this.

i know. i'm trying like fuck not to. oh my Divine Wow, please believe me.

Get some rest and connect with your inner funk. I send you virtual cups of hot steaming chai tea & chocolate biscotti for dunking. Find your happy place and be true to yourself.
-Boho Mom

thank you. i'm going to curl up with your chai and biscotti on my bed and watch vanity fair, i think.

It sucks but just be aware of how far you let yourself go, we Goddesses have a very bad habit of thinking we should be indestructable
-Dizzy

oh, my dizzy girl... you know me so well. and always so practical, too. after all the crap i've been through --through eight years of which you've been with me-- you know that i kinda think i am. all that, and still in one piece? shouldn't i be indestructable? *rolls eyes*

You're ALIVE and LIVING and making choices and mistakes and decisions. Why can't people see that?
Who wants to sit in the bleachers and never go up to bat?
God forbid you strike out?....who cares?
-Boho Mom

THANK you! egads, someone who actually freakin' GETS it! that's what i've been saying for years upon years. quite honestly, the bio-dad wanted to lock me up in a cage doing nothing but taking piano and voice lessons, to emerge a talented and cripplingly sheltered musical virtuoso. he wanted me sequestered from boys and the outside world, pristine as a sister from the Carmelite Order (which i almost joined at 18, mind you), yet worldly enough to make it in professional music.

quite honestly, i sat on the sidelines and listened to the fun things my friends were doing, missing out on them myself. i had to run away from home and move to another state just to feel the sensation of being able to go out with friends and not have to call home to check in every thirty minutes. even when i was twenty-four, my curfew was sundown. since i was twelve, i got to hear how filthy i was, what a slut i was, how --as a female-- i was a contributor to how miserable my bio-dad's life was simply by reason of my gender. quite honestly, i think my life in the house of repression is the singlemost reason why i'm so unrestrained and wildly adventurous now.

does anyone have any idea how it feels to miss out on twenty years of your life as you watch it just go past you? why would anyone want to play anything safe, after living in such shackles and misery? quite honestly, why would anyone not want to THROW themselves headlong into Life, after that? i know i do.

...your ways are not always easy to understand, because being delena takes an amount of passion and courage that most of us will never approach

...but it's so simple, the source of my passion and courage. quite honestly, it's simple hunger for living. i don't want to miss out on anything ever again.

EVER.

but i've told you, and i believe it, that you are ready. you're ready for this move, and you're ready for whatever life throws at you. not that things will always be easy, or that you'll never have doubts. but you have made so much personal progress in the past year that you will overcome anything or anyone that tries to hold you back. you don't depend on a single relationship to define your worth; you know you fucking rock, and you will know that in idaho as well as you know it in portland or socal or nocal.
-Greggo

i know. *shuts eyes tightly and winces in typical 'my bad' fashion* i know i know i know. quite honestly, that's part of the problem. my life had just reached the pinnacle of Perfect here. all things were As I Wanted Them, and i had reached a sweetly perfect equilibrium.

sweet perfection.

it's already changed, which is how it works, i think. the minute we hit that perfect balance, it shifts. perfect moments weren't designed to last any longer than a moment, damn it all. but quite honestly, i'm terrified. quite honestly, i'm uprooting that recently-perfect life for a man i really don't know all that terribly well. true, if i listen to the Multiverse i can hear the Jiggy Snake humming, gearing up for a really freak-fucking-tastic, "WEE!" but still.

quite honestly, running through my head like a broken record are the words, "what if he hates me?" because, quite honestly, i'm not the most phantasmagoric of people. i drink from the milk carton. my vegitarian, lactose-intolerant diet's been such a pain in the ass for everyone around me i've resorted to simply fucking not eating for days at a time, just to make their lives easier. what if he gets so fucking sick of having to work around what i can and can't eat he just stops caring like everyone else?

i have a Temper. quite honestly, only two people in the history of Delena have seen it, and it takes a special degree of hatred to inspire it. the last guy who experienced it? it took three people just to pry me off of him. not that i even remotely think *m* has the talent to raise my temper, but just my anger and irritation are enough. quite honestly, i'm vicious in a cold sort of way.

and i'm forgetful. like, not just a little forgetful, but so absent-minded people think i'm an idiot. i can't keep two thoughts straight inside my head. my brain is so constantly moving, and so quickly, that sometimes i can't even have someone talking around me because i'll lose my train of thought a half dozen times. other times, i can think of ten different things and recite them back perfectly after hearing them once.

and, quite honestly, i'm a woman. men just fucking hate living with women. i know this. we're stupid and difficult and leave our stupid girly shit everywhere. quite honestly, i'm terrified *m*'s going to look back on his wonderfully masculine, bachelor life and pine away for it. quite honestly, i've tried to avoid being so many things --demanding, clingy, bitchy (failed miserably), overly presumptuous, contrary-- that i feel like i've stuck a ramrod up my ass and it's the only thing holding me upright.

quite honestly, this move intimidates and frightens the absolute shit out of me. i'm going to be alone in a place i don't understand, surrounded by nothing familiar, with none of my refuges to run to. i'll have none of my traditions --dinner at the parents', descending with The Horde, Midnight Movie Madness with *so*, first day of summer on Hawthorne. my job at the new location will be sink-or-swim, and it'll be very, very rough at first while i learn how to navigate around the stupid drama and social crap of people i don't even know...and returning to a more familiar environment will be extremely difficult at best. after the upheaval in both my and *m*'s life, i won't have the heart to even suggest it. quite honestly, i have nightmares about it. disembodied voices telling me things that terrify me into wakefulness, and then all i can do is either choke on my own gorge or throw up in the bathroom and hope i didn't wake up anyone.

quite honestly, i'm scared as absolute shit one day *m* will wake up and look at me and regret everything. yes, i've said i'll be able to take care of myself out there, but that was bravado. that was said to reassure everyone else. i'm terrified of facing the rage that will come when i realize i uprooted my Perfect Moment life for nothing. and, quite honestly, i'm really not looking forward to hating my environment for years. again. i hated it up here in portland for three years when i moved up here with big *c* when li'l *c* was an infant. three years. the thought of once again looking out the window and being filled with loathing at the sight actually makes me sick. it's ugly, desolate, and austere out there, plain and simple.

i'll write more later. i'm falling asleep.

1 comment:

Bohemian Mom said...

Oh my freaking gawd!...just when I thought it was safe to get back in the dating game. This post has traumatized me into spinsterhood!
Thank you for ripping my world apart! lol

Girlfriend, you are stressed! ~Breathe~
All these "what if's"???
(I'd feel the same way, honestly.)
But how do we know when to rise above our fears and when to listen to them?.... is the part you must figure out.
Your life is going to change significantly, while *m* is pretty much not giving up anything.

I dunno...you have to go deep within and then go even deeper and listen to your gut.
Is holding off on this move until you know eachother better an option?
I've always believed when something is meant to happen, you know it, there are no "what ifs", and you proceed full throttle into it.
You need to sit quietly in the corner, like Buddha, center yourself, and figure out what is best for YOU. What do you have to lose? What do you have to gain?

Get some sleep! We are here for you to help you figure this out.