y'know, i've done a lot of thinking the last two and a half years about my Kali Summer. i mean, there's a reason i call it my Summer of Funky Kali Love. i used to call it The Year I Lost Everything, but i realized shortly after it happened that what i was left with was everything that truly meant something to me, people that truly loved me, and what i had left behind was everything that was holding me back, keeping me down, or making me feel very badly about myself.
and that's exactly what Kali does: she takes the shit you don't need and rips it off of your back. yeah, she takes skin right along with it, but i think she does that to force her people to take time to rest, heal, and grow it all back more beautiful than before.
everyone in the world, just about, knows of a catholic priest's vow of chastity. i've been keeping this secret to a select few, but i think now's the time to finally bring it out into the open. i promise, it ties into the rest of this entry: when i was ordained a priestess, i took a vow of honesty. it was to honesty in all things i made my vow in the presence of the All, by whatever name you call It.
this vow is so encompassing, i cannot even lie to myself. this blog has survived, in part, because it's the perfect place for me to work out my thoughts and feelings purely to make sure i'm not lying to myself. it's also a great place to put my thoughts and feelings as they are, so as not to hide them from myself. everyone worth their salt knows that unacknowledged feelings go deep inside you and begin to eat at you like cancer until you are so warped and disfigured in your soul that you're unrecognizable from the wonder-filled child you used to be.
sometimes i think this is what happened to the people who tried so hard to destroy me during my Kali Summer. there were unacknowledged feelings there that had warped them, made them resentful and vengeful, unsatisfied unless someone was suffering. they resented others' happiness, others' prosperity, the truth that they might not be as admired or liked as they want.
people like that are to be pitied, but not empowered. and by "empowered" i mean they shouldn't be encouraged to behave that way, shouldn't be fortified by watching others suffer by their toxicity.
*sy*'s ex --whom we all know as "the demented psycho hose-beast"-- is one such person. she's so toxic, so selfish and immature, that she still tries to find ways to hurt me. right now her latest ploy is setting him up so i'll think he's cheating on me. whether he is or not is completely immaterial. we never decided to be a committed relationship, anyway. it's the fact she finds me so threatening, the fact that it drives her crazy she doesn't have *sy*'s worship anymore, that's so...pathetic and small and sad. people like her need serious therapy. they need to be patted on the head and told, "oh, you poor baby. it's okay, you just need to grow up a bit more."
it's just so amazingly sad. the people of my Kali Summer couldn't touch me, not really. and neither can she. it's just amazing she wouldn't decide, instead, to focus on more important things: like being a good mother, like bettering herself, like learning to be more mature and not such a petulant, selfish toddler who's so insecure in herself that she feels she needs her ex-husband's blind and desperate devotion back just so she can feel good about herself. people like her make me squeamish and shiver like that time i stepped on a slug barefoot. it's just horrifyingly gross.
how does this tie in with my Vow? only that i can never lie. i can't. and believe me when i say that she can never truly touch me. i'm sad for her. i'd never trade places with her, not for all the money and fame in the world. because if i did, i'd have to regress too far, and that's just sick.
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3 comments:
Well, you know how fucking funky and on target this post is for me today. I've got my own psycho hose bag to contend with for at least the next 9 years until my youngest turns 18. I wonder if I'll survive it all. Here's something interesting though: I really believe that these nut jobs are very intelligent. They've learned and perfected survival skills that would blow most of us away. They've become so masterminded at their manipulations with people that they somehow seem to come out on top. It is horrifying.
I think I need that Kali experience.
funny, then, that i kept thinking of you when i wrote this, lol.
but i know what you mean. they're so good at manipulating people that they seem to always come out on top. that's because they've lost so much of their humanity that they're willing to screw anyone to get there. the only person that matters in their life is themselves, and everyone else is a tool.
there's no word for how disgusting people like that truly are. cheers to you and me, babe, for being so unlike them it's amazing! =)
I don't have the psycho hose beast in the same way that you two do but I often wonder what it's like to go through life seemingly unaware of the games you're playing.
I've never been a gameplayer and sometimes wonder if it's a deficiency in my personality that I can't master the game. Thanks for putting that thought out of my mind. :)
It's great to see you feeling better Dee. I think that I've missed some inspiration from you lately without even realising it till now.
Hugs!!
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