CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): I was watching Oprah's TV show at 2 a.m. "Take off your shirt and look down," she told me. I don't automatically do everything the World's Wealthiest Woman tells me, but I trust her a lot. So I did what she suggested. What she said next, however, revealed that she wasn't actually talking to me. "Eight out of ten women are wearing the wrong bra!" she exclaimed. "Are you?" She then gave tips on how to select an undergarment that's just right for a woman's shape, size, and posture. I watched in perplexed awe. How could so many people be ignorant about such a fundamental thing? Later, while meditating on your astrological omens, I realized there's a comparable phenomenon going on in your world. You're missing something important about one of the basic facts of your life. Please find out what it is.

this disturbs me. it's like when i was in chemistry or trigonometry and my professors would check my work, but they wouldn't tell me where i was wrong in my calculations, estimations, or formulae. they would simply glance at my work and say, "you have an error," and hand back the page. if they were feeling benevolent, they would tell me which problem had the error. except for mr. shenton in chem. he was always kind enough to let us know which problem it was, and where our error originated.

"use the mole house," he would say, or, "you're forgetting about ions. why can you eat a banana and drink a glass of water, and not blow up?" because everyone knows that K + H2O = BOOM!

but when those particular professors came around that glanced at the paper and said, "you have an error," i was always filled with a helpless sort of desperation and dismay. well, where is the error? it could be anything from getting the date wrong at the top of my paper to a train wreck of a quadriatic formula. or hell, if i was really screwed up, i mistakenly did the wrong problems, and so my "error" was that i didn't do the proper assignment.

however, i have at least some clue of where to look. it's one of "the basic facts of [my] life." so it's something like misspelling my name, or getting the date wrong at the top of my paper. i can only figure that, in my quest for better understanding pronoia and the televisionary oracle, the Supreme Funk, and my connection to the multi-verse, i'm getting so carried away with it i'm forgetting some of the basics.

*gasp!* maybe i'm forgetting to wear my slippers!

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