sunday scribblings

the topic this week was "crush," and the first thought to go through my mind was, "ew." no, seriously. i never had crushes; i had obsessions. every heartthrob was a potential white knight who would save me from the bio-parents. and if he couldn't save me, at least i could pour all my attention into him so i didn't have to face what was going on in my own life.

ah, denial is a beautiful thing.

so thinking about my own past crushes just makes me uncomfortable. i just got finished reading women who love too much by robin norwood, so i've already done a lot of pondering and reflecting on past crushes, thanks. on the other hand, as i've gotten older i've heard a lot more of people who had crushes on me. and, y'know, i never noticed. never even realized anyone was walking around with feelings like that. and for me!

and flirting! i never realize when someone's flirting with me. i just figure they're being polite and gentlemanly, so i'm polite and ladylike right back. i think it goes back to my non-existant self-esteem once upon a time. it just never occurs to me anyone could look at me that way. kind of like gravity, you just take it for granted and never think about it. it just Is. well, except for when you accidentally drop something and say to yourself, "yup! gravity still works. just checking."

not that i'm saying i still have non-existant self-esteem, just that i'm still in the habit of being totally oblivious to romantic affection.

it's like that time i was out with the parents and *cc*, and we went to this mexican restaurant they knew. our server was totally blown away by the fact he tried to trip me up speaking in spanish and i spoke it right back. his eyes went wide, everyone laughed, and i said, "gotcha!" he was really nice, though. i was uncomfortable with the conversation i kept trying to politely end and he kept trying to revive. *cc* finally saved me by pulling me outside into the sparkling, frosty night. a good girl speaks when spoken to, right?

oi vey, i still have a ways to go.

i blinked, waiting for my dad to unlock the jeep. "...was he flirting?"

"DUH!" came the universal reply, practically in 7.1 digital surround.

see? accidentally drop something, seeing if gravity still works. "oh." blink, blink. "just checking."

read more crushes!

1 comment:

gautami tripathy said...

Good reflective post. I think I can identify with it too.

Painfully yours..