reading blog entries posted by members of my lovely iVillage (because yes, i'm still reading) i came across a post by sacred suzie about the shifting energies as fall moves in with such panache and not a little nonchalance.
well, it's better than last year, when fall showed no sign of remembering she was supposed to show up, when all of a sudden she pounded down the door and plopped down all her luggage like a legion of obnoxious in-laws on the doorstep unannounced.
as my inner chaos fades, i'm starting to discover what it is that's different. i'm not quite as uptight about some things --like the state of the apartment-- because i finally decided most of my uptight, perfectionist bio-mother's teachings were crap and have no room in the Funkywild; i also think i'm a little more easygoing. yes, i can have fun and no, delena doesn't have to be productive 100% of her waking life. i'm worthwhile whether or not i'm being productive. contributing to my silverfox family in those ways in which i can contribute are always met with enthusiasm and appreciation.
it is enough. the sun will rise, water is wet, and things will work out in exactly the way that's right for me.
another way i'm feeling the shift is that i just emerged from the chaos a little quieter. i don't know if i'm going into hibernation in some fashion, or if something else has changed on a more fundamental level. but unless it's *ds* or *ks* i'm talking to, i don't feel like talking. i faithfully read blog entries everywhere, but i don't feel like commenting. people call me, and even when it's my li'l sister *t* sometimes i have to force myself to answer it. it's not that i'm being anti-social, it's just...i really just don't have anything to say. about anything. up here *taps a finger to her temple* there's no words going on. none.
if the rear struts of the Funkmobile were operational, i'd say it was high time for another silent retreat to the coast.
instead, i feel like writing all the time. writing blog entries, writing stories, writing haiku, brainstorming the heartbreaking work of staggering genius...just writing. but i'm not living in my head like during other silent-yet-write-y phases.
it's more like...like...
oh gods, what is this like??
*tries to think of an analogy*
it's like...aw hell, i dunno. i'm just here, right now. there's no way i can think of to describe this quietness in my mind and emotions. the cat fountain is bubbling (they like aerated water), the fish tanks are humming, my chair is creaking. my sinuses are kinda swollen (thanks, allergies), there's the faint smell of cedar from the flea spray lingering in the carpet, and i can still kinda taste that coconut popsicle i had about an hour ago. i want a shower, and my feet are cold. in this moment, that's what's going on, and that's all that really matters. no meaning attached to it because it doesn't need any. no emotions, really, because it just IS.
in this moment, there's nothing really to talk about. life is happening out there, and that's nice. no need to comment on it. i'm just... calm... and content... and, well, i'm just here. now.