what's past is prologue

i am a writer of stories.

those stories you enjoy all tucked into your bed, those stories you dream when your mind is a million miles away. those stories you hear in a whisper and know there is a world beneath a few words. stories that stay with you forever. stories you forget in a turn.

stories.

we all have our stories.

your story began the day you came into existence. your story began the day you were born. your story began the day you fell in love, became a parent, got your first job, had your first kiss. your story began.

every waking moment we are creating our stories. every moment is a fresh beginning, where the past is prologue.

my story began today. this very moment. last monday when i got That Package in the mail. the wednesday after, when FedEx dropped off That Other Package. yesterday, when i actively created my day in my own image and It Was So. this morning, when i played god again, and It Was Good.

a new book opened up for me today. the title is Delena of the Funkywild. this character, the heroine, is a very rich and layered character, fully developed even on page 1. her backstory is incredibly vivid, filled with much pain, growth, and blessings.

as we see her on page 1, she is on the cusp of turning thirty. friends her age are lamenting the loss of their twenty-somethings, getting depressed or taking up smoking or reacting by sleeping with a parade of much younger men. she can't wait to begin being "thirty, flirty, and fabulous!" she's a mexican-american feeling somewhat displaced in the pacific northwest, where her culture is conspicuously absent yet remaining a very deep part of herself. her motivating factor is not obvious; it's not even hinted at, but it's there: her every waking moment, her driving goals, even the reason she gets out of bed every morning is for her only child whom she hasn't seen in three years.

there is no angst in her anymore; she's grown out of that phase and made peace with her inner child. they celebrated by sharing strawberry jam sandwiches and soymilk while playing with my little pony. her archetypes mutated to forms that would be unrecognizable to anyone in what she calls her "former life."

this heroine is a Thunder Walker about to take her first steps into a larger realm where the Movers and the Shakers live and breathe the paradigm her soul has hungered after her entire life.

the real story is just beginning. what does the back cover blurb say?

Delena's life is about to get far more interesting than anything she'd ever imagined. Having conquered the Inner Landscape of the Abused Stray-Cat Child in the Land of No Role Models, she was an established woman with a family, a career, and a cat...all she'd thought she ever wanted in life. But her perpetually adventurous spirit sought new vistas to traverse, and when she heard the clarion call to a Freedom Revolution, she answered in full freedom fighter regalia right down to her metallic pink go-go boots and lip gloss bandolier. But nothing could prepare her for the new cast of characters she would soon encounter: the Reincarnated Totem Horde, the One with the Tie-Dyed Decoder Ring, the Jiggy Dreaming-Magic Guru, the Thunder Walkers... Suddenly she finds herself in a world where what was real isn't, what was dreams is solid, and the only place that's real is the space in-between. In a land of shifting paradigms and mutating archetypes, Delena must find the courage to ask herself the big question: is she ready to embrace the power of the Creative Shamanatrix Goddess within herself and truly walk her talk?

daily deelite

1. after waking up the last couple of days blown away by the amount of deep and restful sleep i got, i'm gonna have to say that i'm grateful for this wacky invention of nature's called "sleep." i went out and bought the first program in a series of twelve of holosync by centerpointe research institute and it's been totally blowing my mind. not only has my meditation jumped to a completely unimaginable energy level, but since wednesday night i've been sleeping hard. and for an insomniac who really hasn't gotten a truly good night's sleep (except very, very rarely) since she was fifteen, this is phenominal. five nights in a row of awesome, rejuvenating, deep and restful sleep in which i maybe wake up only once (as opposed to waking up 3-10 times per hour for the 4 hours i sleep?) this isn't just a fluke.

this is revolutionary.

2. i'm grateful for what i'm able to accomplish during the day thanks to being blessed with a restful 5-7 hours of good sleep.

3. i'm grateful for the things that have fallen so serendipitously into my lap in the last couple of weeks. the spiritual and mental momentum i'm gaining from day to day is almost exponential.

4. i'm grateful for the support of my family and friends. my support and power base, i've discovered, is infinitely broader than i had ever imagined it was.

5. i'm grateful for the places i'm heading. i can see those destinations, visions on my glorious horizon, and i know the exact road i'm taking to get there. kind of like sci-fi vision technology, i wasn't able to see those roads and possibilities before. now, with these new eyes and my Funk-colored glasses, i wonder how i was ever blind to them in the first place. and it's rubbing off on the people around me, especially *ds* and *ks*. and it's so much freakin' fun to watch!

there's nothing like taking the people you love with you. enjoying the Funkywild with the ones you love makes the Funky so much Wilder...

daily deelite

today was one of those days where the power of thought prevails...

1. today the power of friendship, and its uplifting spirit, are what i'm grateful for. tonight i got to go after work with a friend of mine at the salon, and we enjoyed dinner at sweet tomatoes, which is a salad bar that's actually quite awesome. we met back when i was working for GM in '04, and we worked together again at another call center, and then she recommended the grooming salon. so we've worked side by side at three different places, and we've always gotten along. it's been a while since we hung out, and then recently we just started up again and it was as if no time had ever passed when we weren't doing things together.

i like that.

2. i'm grateful for the power of assertiveness. things have been going on in the salon recently (well, continuously, actually) and i've been getting screwed over by people overbooking me. and it's not as if it's an extra dog here, a confusion there. no, it's HUGE dogs, hairy lots-of-work dogs, and then they squeeze in three more dogs per day than i can easily handle. where before i would have just sucked up and shut up about it, i've been speaking out about it. and sometimes my tone and words aren't so happy-peaceful-bohemian, either. i dropped the f-bomb today, and it actually got people's attention. including one of my manager's, and after a lot of juggling, it got worked out and i'm not so overbooked. which is good, because a day like tomorrow was promising to be, i would've walked out on my job. yay for speaking my mind, and choosing to change my reality!

3. i'm grateful that we live in an age where, if i want to see a movie, i can go rent one from a rental place. and i'm also grateful that, when said movie is totally scratched all to hell and i can't play it, my loving and totally awesome bro, *ks*, can find it available for viewing online.

jiggy snake bless the internet...

4. i'm thankful for SUMMER!!! summer weather is FINALLY here! i walked outside after work today and was hit by a wall of heat. i frickin' loved it. it reminded me of so.cal home, and for a few seconds it felt like living in the desert again. i love the rush of wonderfulness that comes over me when the weather's decently hot.

5. i'm grateful for the positive momentum in my life! i wonder if i'm even capable of expressing or describing how my life has just taken off with just a few simple changes, and a few minor adjustments to the lens through which i view the world. i recommend everyone go out and find their own pair of Funk-colored glasses...

rainbow dreams: the vision

over at sacred suzie's, she started this lovely monthly activity of creating dream boards. i've been wanting to do it, but when it comes down to it, i've just been letting a whole bunch of excuses get in my way. the reason? i was avoiding disappointment because once upon a time i didn't believe that my dreams were attainable or possible, or even that i really deserved them.

now i pat that delena on the head, give her a hug and a cookie, and send her on her way.

because they ARE attainable, they ARE possible, and I REALLY DO deserve them! and i'm gonna go get them and make them mine.

there are lots of pictures of pregnant women on this dream board. this was deliberate. they're all smiling, loving life, laughing, engaging in healthy habits, and pregnant at the same time. when i was pregnant with li'l *c*, i had hyperemesis gravidarum which is, in a word, miserable. i was teetering the edge of kidney failure due to dehydration, ulcers, and during the delivery itself, both li'l *c* and i almost went to the great gig in the sky. bad, bad experience. but i want more children, and so i have visions of healthy, happy pregnancies to replace traumatizing memories.

of course love and romance are there, too. happy couples smiling and affectionate through every stage of life. it's out there, waiting to blossom, and it will come.

as will the children. that pic of a mom with her two kids at the computer took me hours of searching before i tripped over it. i wanted a picture that portrayed a mom, with a small boy and girl, teaching them. i want a boy and a girl (for a total of 3 kids counting li'l *c*), and i want to be able to stay at home with them and school them myself.

the horses? yeah, i want horses, and i want a beach house. i want to gallop across the sand at sunset bareback and free. that pic in the corner of the beach house? yeah, i want that. maybe even a strip of private beach, with the freedom to ride like lady godiva.

the falling ben franklins should be obvious. money not for money's sake, but for the freedom it represents and the opportunities to help even more people with that money. because money falling from the sky isn't just money; it's financial wealth. i'm thinking BIG.

and that pic of the perfectly rendered 3-D spine? i'm sick of scoliosis and all the lovely symptoms it creates: everything from crippling sciatica to misplaced ribs to numbness (as in pseudo-paralysis) and spasms. i'm even convinced that a crooked spine is messing up my spinal cord, so all my other health "inconveniences" are manifesting symptoms of my body unable to really communicate with itself because my body's information superhighway has traffic jams. so i see greater health and a perfectly aligned spine. they say it's impossible for 100% spinal correction of the curvature. i say it's mine for the taking.

don't overlook the adorable little black-and-white pic of the little pug. i know it's not visible even in the larger pic, but i doctored the name tag so it reads "Pupcake." i want a male fawn-coated pug, and i wanna name him pupcake. if anyone remembers strawberry shortcake (the 80's version, not the bastardized parody of modern phallocratic franchize rape), huckleberry pie had a dog named pupcake. i thought this was adorable, and ever since i was around three years-old i've always wanted a pupcake. i was crazy for the strawberry shortcake and friends fad. still am.

and you can't forget the actual background itself. i'm headed for tropical paradise, baby, yeah!

daily deelite

after the whopping day i had yesterday, i'm chock full of even more gratitude! and what's amazing that i've discovered is that the more i practice gratitude, the more i realize my own frame of mind is my choice in any circumstance (moreso than my stoicism, which was merely cover-up on a pimple). and in any circumstance, even the lameass ones i had yesterday at work, there was gratitude to be found...

1. i'm grateful for my family, for good food, laughter, and my rockin' siblings. i'm grateful for the blessings i have when i sit down around a table filled with family, the sense of belonging, and the comfy atmosphere conducive to the ribald, raucous, and off-color jokes that were running a mile a minute last night.

2. i'm grateful that my family is growing! i got to meet my future brother-in-law last night, and he's actually pretty great. when a guy can catch even my more obscure jokes, i have to think, "yeah, this guy's all right."

3. i'm grateful that i have other opportunities in my life and i'm not chained to my job at the salon. instead of letting the stupid bureaucratic nonsense get me down and oppress me, i'm using it as a springboard of inspiration. what was once a lovely opportunity to brighter horizons, independence, and a sense of self has become a toxic relationship. and we all know what delena does with toxic relationships...

in the immortal words of my dad, "give 'em the bum's rush, honey!"

4. i'm grateful for laughter. i must say that i don't think i've laughed so much or so thoroughly in a while than i have in this last week. my life has achieved a kind of high simply on laughter and joy. i see freedom, purpose, and a real chance for phenominal change. i see myself growing in new and incredible ways, and i can feel those changes happening inside of myself even as i write this. my Funk-colored glasses effing rock!

5. i'm grateful for the kitties. i wake up and open my door, and i'm greeted by eight round eyes and four perky tails, and four sleek bodies rubbing up on my legs and trying very, very hard to trip me up. i'm greeted by squeaks, mews, trills, chitters, and purrs. "oh," i say in my sleepy voice, "g'morning rumbles, baby. you want da pettin's? aww, there's my boy..." and i scratch under his chin. invariably, here comes liam the black slinky. "okay, liam. you get da pettin's, too, all cowlicky and trying to play 'dead kitty' and trip me, thanks." of course, voodoo's been mrowling the whole time since hearing my door open. "okay, voodoo. you get luvins. there. oh yes, thank you, i needed a butt in my face. start my day off right." and the kitten, angel, gives me either her silent mew or the long, drawn-out "squeeee!" and it's soooo pathetic i have to pet her. "okay, kitten, luv luv luv, purr purr purr. yes, chew my fingers. really, i didn't need them today. oh yes, and don't forget to attack my toes. vicious killer, oooh i'm scared." all of this is delivered in my monotone, i-just-woke-up, throaty sleepy voice. but inside, i'm all warm and fuzzy from so much kitty luv.

rock the kitty luv!

daily deelite

1. i am grateful that, whatever my financial situation is now, it's nothing like what it can be, or what it used to be. i still have the power to do what i want...LIKE GET PEDICURES! there's nothing wonderfuller than walking out of the salon with adorable, colorful toes. people said, "wow, that's...green. ...why green?"

"because green means 'go!!'" i said.


2. i am hugely tired today, however not only is the cause totally worth it, but i am thankful to the people who have taught me what i now know about relationships to have made last night possible. i spent it watching movies and having dinner with someone i've been seeing, and we fell asleep on his couch curled up together. it was so comfortable, so innocuous, and even though he's barely gotten to the kissed-my-forehead stage after a month of pretty consistent company, that's perfectly fine with me. i am so grateful for what i have learned about men, women, and the nature of healthy relationships.

3. i am grateful for the simple fact that, when i am hungry, i can go into the kitchen, open the door to an electrical device that keeps food cold and preserved, and pull out something to satisfy my hunger. however, in line with gratitude no.1 above, i'm also extremely grateful that, should i need to, i can hop in my Funkmobile and drive somewhere that sells pre-cooked food that's fast, cheap, and easy.

4. speaking of, i am SO THANKFUL for my Funkmobile!! she's still running nicely, treats me well, plays music loud enough to make me happy, and still gets me from point A to point B. what a good little car...

5. i'm so grateful that i have so much in my life to be grateful FOR! and grateful toward. and the more i have to be grateful for, the more i find TO be grateful for! blessings are piling up, or perhaps they're simply becoming easier to see now that i'm practicing gratitude. but i don't remember the last time i'd looked around and seen so much abundance! and it humbles me, and fills me with gratitude...

secret agent man

i was exchanging wildly hilarious, refreshingly stimulating, gloriously challenging emails with a particular dog-loving gentleman i'd met through one of those personals websites i was using a while back, and the more i got to know this man, the more i liked him. he not only could keep up with me intellectually, but he kept me wildly stimulated and challenged me constantly to out-perform my own mental self.

i loved that. do you know how difficult it is to meet a man who's engaging like that? i'm extremely sharp and intelligent, with a cutting sense of humor. and i'm a gamer chick. it's extremely difficult! meeting him was kind of like meeting my version of a walking/talking holy grail.

wow, they do exist!

we saw a movie together, had coffee and two-and-a-half hours of extremely easy conversation, and he even enjoyed sushi with me without embarrassing himself. it rocked. but i hadn't heard from him in a week, so i sent him an email just seeing if he was alive. well, not only was he alive, but he'd suffered the excruciating tragedy of a promotion in his corporate workplace. i sent the proper condolences and left it at that. he called me (leaving voicemails that had me dying laughing), and we went for a movie.

then i hadn't heard from him again. so i sent him a small email after i think another week. just "poke it with a stick, see if it moves," kinda deal. he'd pulled or strained a muscle and suffered a weekend on his back. as a massage therapist, i can understand and totally respect that. but i haven't heard from him again. this time, i will be sending no more emails. i'm utterly fabulous, and i have better and more numerous things to be doing. two emails is plenty.

besides, i have decided he was actually wildly and mind-boggingly, seriously into me and knew that i would touch his heart in incredible ways, but he's actually an international secret agent and couldn't risk me finding out his true identity...

and not only that, but he's just found out that he was working for the bad guys all along, so now the government has him working as a double agent. however, he thinks about me all the time in particular because his handler is a butt ugly man with greasy hair and an even greasier attitude. and it gives him somewhat of a sense of comfort to know that he's fighting the good fight to make the country a safe place to live, and i'm the face he puts on the nation. the memory of my laughter keeps him company on those lonely nights on missions when he doesn't know if he's gonna live to see tomorrow. and when he accidentally gets captured by the bad guys, the memory of my hugs and my appreciation for old movies gives him the strength and courage to escape to fight again. when he's with his handler he laughs to think of my delena humor snarking off at this butt-ugly, greasy fark.

...it sure beats considering the highly-unlikely scenario that he didn't consider me wonderful enough to pursue.

brezsny-on-the-blog

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Welcome to Part Two of your outlook for the second half of 2008, Capricorn. How have you been progressing with the challenges you were given near the end of last year? I trust that you've been hungry for new ideas, fresh approaches, and novel adventures. And I hope that this has resulted in you receiving more invitations, dares, and temptations than you've ever had. If what I just said describes your current state of affairs, I extend my hearty congratulations and remind you that you're only half way through this awakening process. If what I said doesn't fit your experience, get busy!


again with the serendipity of tuning in more and more clearly to the Pronoia News Network! just the other day i emailed my greggo and said these words:

this revolution of the mind is phenominal, greggo, lemme tell you. other things are building, too, but i want to sit on those and see where i go from here before i tell those stories. but here i am at the halfway mark for the Year of the Delena, and so many things are manifesting it's just freakin' amazing. like back in january, my horoscope said, "Events in 2008 will bring you big deliveries of the next best things to riches and fame. You'll get more proof than you've had in a long time that God and fate adore you" and look how that's played out. it's like i leveled up big-time, like in d&d, and suddenly life, the universe, and everything have jumped to a higher energy level. the stakes are higher, the joys are deeper, the laughter's richer, and the philosophies are infinitely more phenominal but i have the capacity to understand them now. it really is a whole different playing field, and the old delena is SO gone, i can't even really comprehend how her thinking used to work, actually.

kinda funny, isn't it?

go, me!

however, no resting on my laurels. i'm gonna celebrate how far i've come, give myself a pat on the back. although, in my case, it's a nice pampering pedicure. this time around, i'm thinking a nice bright blue with pink rhinestones and artwork on my big toes. i treated myself to lunch yesterday afternoon. it was nothing fancy, just mongolian grill, but it's one of my favoritest spots in the portland metro. i was working on some of my journaling and exercises while i ate, so it wasn't just me sitting back enjoying with no forward momentum.

but i celebrated my successes and acknowledged how far i've come, the work i've put in, and the obstacles i've cleared out of my way with all the passionate Funk that's become my trademark. yay, me!

however, as mr. brezsny said, the Year of the Delena is only half over. i've got more work to do...only y'know what?

psst! it doesn't feel like work!

daily deelite

1. my family, in their infinite and unconditional love and spirit of giving, have saved my life in so many ways and never asked for anything in return. i am so grateful i am surrounded by so many people who treasure me, adore me, and lift me up.

2. today i didn't have a single twinge of scoliotic or sciatic pain. i am filled with tremendous thanksgiving that i can walk on my own two feet every day, effortlessly.

3. my kitten, rumblestrut, goes to sleep with me every night purring and letting me know how much he loves me. i am so grateful he's in my life, such an endless source of lighthearted amusement and soothing, purring love.

4. i am able to purchase those things i want and need, without having to wonder if i can afford most of it. i simply know i can make it happen, and indeed i do. to have this freedom fills me with a bottomless well of thanks.

5. no matter how my life ever was, my life now is proof positive of the power of pronoia: my life is constantly showered by ecstatically giving conspiracies of a universe wildly in love with me. i am grateful for every single blessing i have received, and every single one i will receive in a constant stream directly into my life.

muchas gracias, Jiggy Snake! "so we believe, so mote it be."

it's everywhere!

i found this quote today in an e-book that someone gave me, and even though my mouth was full of chipotle burrito goodness, it made me laugh. i knew i had to mention it!

"Find your own truth, by shedding the truths of others that prevent you from having the freedom and abundance that is your universal right." --michael oliver

"in other words," i thought to myself, "find your FUNK!"

i just had to share it. may the Funk be with you.

daily deelite

i woke up this morning (too early, imho), but now i'm kinda glad i did because i found this waiting for me in my email from jane over at the painted house:

You simply ROCK and I love coming here every day to read your words.

it's always nice to know every once in a while someone's smiling because of words you said, y'know?

1. it makes me so thankful to know that somewhere out there, someone is appreciating me for one of my favoritest things in life (the written word) and i'm making an impact --however small-- for the better in their life.

2. thank you, PGE and comcast, for using my monthly donations to provide me with dependable electricity and internet access so i may then share the pronoiaFunk as it comes to me.

3. thank you, Universe, for letting there be PronoiaFunk! without it, i suspect life would be a lot duller.

4. thank you, sealy, for making wonderfully soft beds and giving me the opportunity to have one when so many people in the world don't. when i finally got to bed at 0500, apparently i passed out the minute rumblestrut stopped purring. and it was so comfortable i fell asleep on the phone with the person who woke me up three hours later.

5. and a big, resounding THANK YOU to the universe for such happy surprises like unexpected days off. especially after such hard days like yesterday that brought me close to the brink of frustrated and despairing tears. recovery and rejuvenation are blessings that need to be appreciated to the fullest extent of the one so blessed.

in one of Delena's Favoritest Songs of All Time, Tool sings:
"recognize this as a holy gift and celebrate this chance to be alive and breathing."

celebrate, beauty and truth fans. one of the biggest blessings the universe could possibly ever shower upon you, and you wake up with it every single day: you're alive and breathing!

sacred life sunday

this entry was nothing more than a desire to put my palms together in the prayer position, to close my eyes, and to bow to you.

thank you for the support you have given me through the years and evolution of iGoddess.
thank you for your wisdom.
thank you for your perspectives, from all your walks of life, in all corners of the world.
thank you for your faith in me.
thank you for reading.
thank you for being who you are.

for all you are, for all you do, for the people who love you and appreciate your smile and your presence in their lives...


...i love you more than i love you.

daily deelite

no, that's not a misspelling... i love how my nickname provides so many opportunities for play-on-words.

today i decided to make my gratitude a daily exercise. if anything, it'll keep my thinking in a thankful way, and as the blogging becomes habit i anticipate a new way of looking at life: remaining open to finding new things for which to be grateful, and new ways to express such gratitude.

speaking of, there's thankfulness no.1:
thank you, Universe, for being so serendipitous as to be almost foolproof to find wonderful things about life to celebrate. once you find one, life seems to just flood you with good things.

2. thank you, Jiggy Snake, for remembering to put the Fun in Funk. without that, i only wonder how interesting life would be, but i have a feeling it's unfathomably worth more living in a multiverse that has fun in it...

3. thank you, karma, for giving infinite opportunities to improve myself and for fashioning challenging situations in which i can plumb new depths of my strength and character to overcome character flaws and flourish as a Divalicious Funkmaster.

4. thank you, *ds*, for soothing pettin's with those lovely long nails of yours. my arm is still radiating happiness...

5. thank you, America, for providing the liberty for a Revolutionary Freedom Fighter to take small, innocuous-seeming events and people we meet, run with them, and create phenominal wealth in intangible-yet-vital ways. guerilla compassion is the ability to surrender to life, to yield to the divinity within someone else, to listen to the song of their soul and respond with your own harmony.

i found this in my Google searches about gratitude, and rabbi brent rosen says it all:

When we view gratitude as somehow dependant upon a the receipt of a specific gift, we will inevitably come to regard it as an emotion that will ebb and flow depending upon how grateful we happen to feel. But cultivating gratitude means training ourselves to greet each day in the spirit of gratitude - even when we don’t happen to feel particularly grateful. Indeed, to experience this level of gratefulness is to understand the true meaning of the Thanksgiving Offering.

this is a beautiful passage, and when *ds* and *ks* asked me why i decided to create daily deelite i couldn't really give them an answer except that in doing it, i would be able to do it even better. i simply decided to live life gratefully, remaining open to finding all those blessings the universe is conspiring to shower upon me.

and then i can go, as a guerilla agent of trickster love, and shower anonymous blessings upon others. because that's where the real Fun(k) is...

no good deed...

it seems señor murphy and his aggrivating Law have hit the salon hard this week. between two people being out for vacation, others being out sick, miscommunications, misunderstandings, a new bather, and just the simple misfortune of working for one of the Big Bad Daddies of the Phallocratic Corporate Hydra, it's been one @#*!-ing helluva week, lemme tell you.

and today we had the closing groomer go home sick (like puking sick, so we lovingly chased her out) and it would've been just the new bather by herself for two hours. i didn't feel it was right to do that to her (having been screwed over like that many times myself), so i told her i'd be back to help her with the closing shift. of course, i'd had the opening shift, so it was a very long day for me.

i spent a couple hours with my *sa*, and we had fun killing ourselves with laughter and playdough. but when i got back, it was to find i had 1 hr and 45 mins to work on a scottish terrier who was satan's lapdog in a former life. i walked away from that one bloody, just to let you know. but i wasn't supposed to have any dogs, just help my bather by being there to take all the extraneous duties, e.g. answering phones, doing nail trims, checking out dogs to go home, etc, so she could bathe her dogs and then we could clean and close together.

i had told my store manager this, and that i was voluntarily coming back purely to help her close. it was his call when this dog came in to give it to me, without letting me know that i'd have over an hour less than the prescribed three-hour window in which to work on this dog. the damn dog's owner had to stand with me at my table and hold this hellion while i tried to groom it in-between being gnawed like a hot dog on a stick.

which means that i was now completely unavailable to help my bather with all those things that she then got swamped doing...because i got screwed by a store manager in a bad mood. i made it up to her, however, with starschmuck's white chocolate mocha (too many girls in the salon give money to starschmuck's; it's so sad).

part of me left work feeling rather bitter, that no good deed goes unpunished. i'm unbelievably exhausted, and bitten, bloody, sore, and sacrificed my entire day just so someone else wouldn't feel screwed over. however, i didn't do it for anyone except that new girl, and she thought i was rather amazing for a.) coming back to help out, and b.) bringing her favorite coffee.

that was the point.

who says we can't help the universe shower blessings upon others once in a while?

brezsny-on-the-blog

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): How well are you capitalizing on this year's unique opportunities, Capricorn? Now that we're halfway through 2008, let's take an inventory. Your self-image is in the midst of an exhilarating expansion, right? Your excitement about being alive is growing steadily, right? Your devotion to cultivating an inner sense of freedom is getting more intense every day, right? You have an ever-increasing clarity about what life experiences you need in order to feel powerful, right? If you're falling short in any of these projects, start making up for lost time immediately.


so let's take an inventory. having ascended from the crucible of my life of which the Year of Secrets was the final chapter, the Year of the Delena was to be defined by wetter, wilder, and more interesting challenges. let's see how i've done:

1.) Q. my self-image is in the midst of an exhilarating expansion, right?
A. right

2.) Q. my excitement about being alive is growing steadily, right?
A. right

3.) Q. my devotion to cultivating an inner sense of freedom is getting more intense every day, right?
A. right

4.) Q. i have an ever-increasing clarity about what life experiences i need in order to feel powerful, right?
A. ri-- ...wait, huh?


hmm. i seem to be falling short in this area. i'm completely on the right track. before mr. brezsny's horoscope came to me, direct from the televisionary oracle straight into my e-mailbox, i blogged about my theme song, crazywhacked love for ALL creation, and just how freakin' in love i am with my life!

my mental uplink with the PNN grows stronger by the day.

however, feeling powerful? i've never really given it much thought. i suppose power, in my own mind, would translate into influence over things and an ability to shape things according to my will. this, in essence, is magic and the heart of what it is to be Witch: the exercise of will to manifest change.

i've had a few inklings, i suppose, but i don't know that i'd call it an "ever-increasing clarity" about what life experiences i'd need in order to feel "powerful." maybe i'd call it an intuitive feeling about what experiences i need. then again, i think less about power and more about achievement, the feeling of success (and my definition thereof), and the ability to lead my life as i wish.

then again, i suppose my definition of power would be the ability to lead my life as i wish. the freedom to lead the lifestyle i truly desire is a sort of power: power over my own life. and, to take this idea further, i suppose that "freedom" would be the direct opposite of "security," so there would be some risk involved, i know, in having the life experiences needed in order to procure my own powerbase. then again, perhaps "risk" is the wrong word.

after all, this is iGoddess! there is no risk, only adventure!

how often do i jump into things and people dig their fingernails into the arms of their chairs as they watch me plummet headfirst into whatever i've thrown myself into? i have the freedom of my own heart, and it gives me the power to do those sorts of things. and i always land on my feet, in the end.

meow.

true, a little security is a good thing. i love the security of my family and friends. but, as we've discovered here at the iGoddess, the security i feel living with my family has trapped me in the roomate lifestyle when i know i'd be so much freer living alone. the more security you have, the less freedom.

look at the people who have "maximum security." ...think about it. they live behind bars, wear orange jumpsuits (or blue, grey, whatever), and have men with high-powered scope rifles patrolling the perimeter making sure they never escape that security.

think about it.

i'd rather have freedom. utter freedom, the limits of which are only reached by my own morals and the generosity of my unquenchable spirit. oh, the possibilities of what i could do and achieve! THAT is power!

...so i have an idea of what power is to me. i suppose i always did; i just never thought about it. but the life experiences required in order to feel powerful?

...actually, a few things have actually been popping up in the last two-or-so weeks. i've just been eyeballing them very carefully. when someone opens their hand and offers you a portal to another world, no matter how adventurous and unquenchable you are, you're gonna look at it sidelong for a bit. part of me can't believe they're for real, these things, but i suppose i've only been getting accustomed/acquainted within myself with these radical new things before i finally take the plunge.

because you know i will...

what's that word again?

from the oxford-delena dictionary...

theme song (n)

1. an oft-repeated song in a musical play that is identified with the work or one of its characters
2. a melody in an operetta or musical comedy so emphasized by repetition as to dominate the presentation
3. an expression, comment, or subject of conversation that a person or group uses habitually
4. a thing delena often uses to quickly describe where she's at in life


a lot of people have particular favorites when it comes to music. lately it's come to my attention just how ecclectic i really am. in one day, i can listen to a dozen different genres of music, each of them distinct. and while this is nothing special, what i do think as special about it is what it says about me.

"because," she says with a joking curve at one corner of her mouth, "it's all about me..."

i love being ecclectic, out-of-the-box, unable to fit into any one category...as juxtapositional as a Compassionate Loving Trickster iGoddess Daughter of Lilith.

one thing that i've been saying a lot, on a daily basis even, is, "wow, i love my life!"

and i mean it.

every syllable.

the secret really isn't a secret at all, but it's something we all have to learn for ourselves: all we have is Now. the only place to find true happiness is Now.

true happiness.

contentment, satisfaction, joy, esteem, respect, excitement, love, knowledge, peace...inside and out. between ourselves, and with others. in groups, in pairs. ecstatic passion for everyOne and everyThing. the same ecstatic, lusty bliss for grass, velcro, and a lamp post as for a Funky groovemate. the same orgasmic satisfaction you feel at the first luscious sip of a perfect chai latte, extended also toward global warmers, wife-beaters, and PVC pipe.

kill it with kindness and love it to death.

i'm beginning to understand in leaps and bounds. as if my mind were merely a seed up until now, it has opened wide and blossomed exponentially. for the first time ever --on sunday-- i felt shame and unease at the realization that i had reveled in my enemies' misfortune.

i was uncomfortable in the knowledge that i still considered people as enemies.

i was disturbed knowing i took actual pleasure in their heartache and karmic debts being cashed in. which meant, of course, that i still harbored grudges and some anger and sense of victimization, somewhere deep inside, over how they wronged me. granted, i used to operate from a place i had named The Darkness, which was just another name for a void inside us created by insecurity and incompleteness within ourselves. the only way to fill it is by ourselves with ourselves. and i had, but on some level i was still operating from those negative forces that fill that void with Darkness.

i realized it was another burden weighing me down, something i needed to turn into pumice stone and watch float away down the River Funk.

so i did. i took a day and uprooted those negative things that were sapping my Funkarama Bootyliciousness, turned them into pumice, and watched them float away. i have way more interesting things to be concentrating on, much tastier and more exciting events in my life upon which i could be spending my time. who cares about former enemies? they're just human beings, just like me, and we're all one brotherhood of man sharing all the world, as lennon used to say.

besides, without them and their small-minded viciousness, i never could have grown beyond the petty peevishness of their rat race. thanks in part to them, i have blossomed. i will forever feel a deep gratitude toward them; they led me to reject how i've always lived my life and jarred me into a new mentality, a new approach to the universe.

not only am i having fun with this whole new aspect to dating, but i'm meeting a great group of men on a wholly different (read: "superior") level than what i've seen before now. they're affirming my faith in the male of the species, actually, with their intelligence, manners, chivalry, wit, and appreciation for the values and qualities i value, as well. and they appreciate me, and they show it, for which i always make a point to thank them. i have a wonderful career filled with people who not only appreciate me, but shower me with appreciation and affirmation. my family continues to be endlessly wonderful. new and wonderous opportunities are all but throwing themselves at my feet. and the universe continues to shower me with blessings.

my life, in a word, rocks.

and so i give you, beauty and truth fans, my new theme song as of late. i know the video's cheesy, but it's also whimsical. and what else are we here at the pronoiac iGoddess if not appreciative of the whimsical and off-kilter?

toe #23

so i was at my parents' yesterday, and it was gorgeous outside. mom was "playing outside," as she says, doing her garden stuff. she's a horticulturist, so there's a honkin' garden in the back. she recently trimmed back the Rosemary that Ate Chicago because *cc* and i got nervous after this one time going out back to trim some for ourselves and we heard, "C'mere, little girl..." from the vicinity of the rosemary bush.

well, i think it was the poppies' turn to take over the garden, and they were hiding the split wooden logs mom uses to create a lovely border between the flowers and the rest of the yard. after playing with the dogs in the yard, i turned to go back inside...

...and SMACK!

there went my poor little piggies smack into that log the poppies were hiding.

it was kinda ugly, and no matter what i did my toe wouldn't stop bleeding. but i finally got it under control and it was only a few hours until the throbbing finally ceased. my foot's still sore from the initial impact, and driving home wasn't all too fun, either. the Funkmobile's a manual, remember. i called the salon today just to find out what the forecast was for my appointments, and apparently everyone's pretty booked today. wtf? this weekend was slower than molasses in january! where'd they all come from?

prolly out enjoying the gorgeous weather and too busy to make (or keep) grooming appointments, so they all decide to flood in on monday after i break my toe.

yay, murphy's law! (murphy, u suck...)

ah well. it's not like i haven't broken toes before. just look at the title of this entry. i thought i was finally done with my toe-breaking spree.

the happening

much more visual and gory than his previous movies, i think. then again, i never saw lady in the water, so i'm not sure if i can say that with as much authority as i suppose i'm presuming...

however, there was definitely much more gore than shyamalan has previously given his audience. i know the people in the theatre were very vocal about some, with lots of gasping and quiet exclamations of surprise and/or "omg/wtf?"

by the time the first "happening" had actually "happened," i had already put together what was going on. this movie was definitely more blatant than his others, to be sure. and while i've always loved shyamalan movies for their subtlety and ability to keep me guessing right up until the very last, absolutely possible minute, this was also a slap-in-the-face type movie whose message, among one other, was "wake the @#*! up, people of earth!"

this was also the first movie i've ever been to where someone finally dared to have a character say, point-blank and no-holds-barred, "we are a threat to this planet."

i can respect that.

anthem

anthem
chapter 11
by ayn rand


I am. I think. I will.

My hands . . . My spirit . . . My sky . . . My forest . . . This earth of mine. . . . What must I say besides? These are the words. This is the answer.

I stand here on the summit of the mountain. I lift my head and I spread my arms. This, my body and spirit, this is the end of the quest. I wished to know the meaning of things. I am the meaning. I wished to find a warrant for being. I need no warrant for being, and no word of sanction upon my being. I am the warrant and the sanction.¹

It is my eyes which see, and the sight of my eyes grants beauty to the earth. It is my ears which hear, and the hearing of my ears gives its song to the world. It is my mind which thinks, and the judgement of my mind is the only searchlight that can find the truth. It is my will which chooses, and the choice of my will is the only edict I must respect.^[2][3]

Many words have been granted me, and some are wise, and some are false, but only three are holy: "I will it!"⁴

Whatever road I take, the guiding star is within me; the guiding star and the loadstone which point the way. They point in but one direction. They point to me. ⁵

I know not if this earth on which I stand is the core of the universe or if it is but a speck of dust lost in eternity. I know not and I care not. For I know what happiness is possible to me on earth. And my happiness needs no higher aim to vindicate it. My happiness is not the means to any end. It is the end. It is its own goal. It is its own purpose.^[6][7]

Neither am I the means to any end others may wish to accomplish. I am not a tool for their use. I am not a servant of their needs. I am not a bandage for their wounds. I am not a sacrifice on their altars.⁸

I am a man. This miracle of me is mine to own and keep, and mine to guard, and mine to use, and mine to kneel before!

I do not surrender my treasures, nor do I share them. The fortune of my spirit is not to be blown into coins of brass and flung to the winds as alms for the poor of the spirit. I guard my treasures: my thought, my will, my freedom. And the greatest of these is freedom.⁹

I owe nothing to my brothers, nor do I gather debts from them. I ask none to live for me, nor do I live for any others. I covet no man's soul, nor is my soul theirs to covet.¹⁰

I am neither foe nor friend to my brothers, but such as each of them shall deserve of me. And to earn my love, my brothers must do more than to have been born. I do not grant my love without reason, nor to any chance passer-by who may wish to claim it. I honor men with my love. But honor¹¹ is a thing to be earned.

I shall choose friends among men, but neither slaves nor masters. And I shall choose only such as please me, and them I shall love and respect, but neither command nor obey. And we shall join our hands when we wish, or walk alone when we so desire. For in the temple of his spirit, each man is alone. Let each man keep his temple¹² untouched and undefiled. Then let him join hands with others if he wishes, but only beyond his holy threshold.

For the word "We" must never be spoken, save by one's choice and as a second thought. This word must never be placed first within man's soul, else it becomes a monster, the root of all the evils on earth, the root of man's torture by men, and of an unspeakable lie.

The word "We" is as lime poured over men, which sets and hardens to stone, and crushes all beneath it, and that which is white and that which is black are lost equally in the grey of it. It is the word by which the depraved steal the virtue of the good, by which the weak steal the might of the strong, by which the fools steal the wisdom of the sages.^[13][14]

And now I see the face of god, and I raise this god over the earth, this god whom men have sought since men came into being, this god who will grant them joy and peace and pride.

This god, this one word:

"I." ¹⁵

---

1. "I swear by three times three times three...these shall remain my own. And whatever may transpire, no god nor man nor beast may take them from me. I swear by myself and my immortality." --The Oath of Lilith

2. "Beauty is truth, truth beauty, that is all/ Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know." --John Keats, Ode on a Grecian Urn

3. "Blessings on your eyes. Blessings on your children. Blessings on the ground beneath you. My heart is a ladle of sweet water, brimming over. Selah." --old canaanite blessing, The Red Tent p.4

4. "An harm ye none, do as thou wilt." --The Wiccan Rede

5. "The microcosm of the macrocosm" --Democritus, 5th century BCE

6. "Four Dignities of the Warrior's Path" --the Shambhala training path, regarding Perkiness, or Irrepressible Joy...the 2nd Dignity

7. "Sing, feast, dance, make music and love, all in My Presence, for Mine is the ecstasy of the spirit and Mine also is joy on earth... Let [Me] be in the heart that rejoices, for behold, all acts of love and pleasure are My rituals." --The Charge of the Goddess --Doreen Valiente

8. [see lyrics: "Not the Doctor"] --Alanis Morissette

9. "Give yourself a little freedom to develop into something or someone you'd actually like to be." --Donald J. Trump, Why We Want You to be Rich p.101

10. "...i am as i have been, as i am, as i always shall be. so the fuck mote it be." --Funk: A Declaration of Independence, by yours truly

11. "No person was ever honored for what he received. Honor has been the reward for what he gave." --Calvin Coolidge

12. "Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? ...Therefore, honor God with your body." --1 Cor. 6:19-20 (see 7.)

13. "Material abundance without character is the surest way to destruction. Indeed, I tremble for my country when I reflect that God is just." --Thomas Jefferson

14. "pop nihilism...is nothing more than the same Dry Cynical Infrastructure of the Evil Trickster Phallocrats which boasts all the geometrical symmetry of a constipated nazi general..." --mama always said... --by yours truly

15. "And you who seek to know Me, know that the seeking and yearning will avail you not, unless you know the Mystery: for if that which you seek, you find not within yourself, you will never find it without." --Charge of the Goddess by Doreen Valiente

brezsny-on-the-blog

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Pumice, which is created by volcanic eruptions, is filled with holes, which means that it's sometimes light enough to glide on the surface of a body of water. I urge you to use this floatable rock as a metaphor. Think of the heaviest burden you're carrying -- an apparently insoluble problem, a thankless responsibility, a task that seems impossible -- and imagine over the next few days that it is changing into a hunk of pumice. When the transformation is complete, visualize yourself throwing it into a fast-flowing river, and then watch as it gets carried away, ultimately turning into a tiny, bobbing speck that disappears over the horizon.


i think i have sporadically achieved what is known as a mental uplink to the PNN: Pronoia News Network, which feeds love notes from the Jiggy Snake directly into my brain. armed with blissful cheat sheets on how to change my mind about everything, i've begun the true revolution --killing the apocalypse at the source.

everyone has a little bit of the apocalypse inside them. i call it the inner flaming narcissist; jung called it "the shadow."

thinking about this the other day, while headed north on Hwy 217, i had a satori moment which i shared with *ta*, a friend of mine in texas with whom i used to write phenominal, breathtaking stories online. between us, we created worlds and empires rose and fell. i learned a lot about myself in that time, too.

so i emailed him about it.

...the other day I remembered a scene we'd written, when Leer and Kyri had finally landed in the desert to find his people. He'd told her that her mother's tome, that huge grimoire that was too heavy for her to lift, would one day be as light as air when she finally learned how to channel her own magic power and use it. Kyri had thought he was nuts. I mean, that thing probably weighed as much as she did or more, since she was such a tiny little thing. I've thought about that scene countless times over the years, not quite understanding what he'd said but knowing there was something there.

I get it now.

And I just wanted to let you know that now, for me, all those things that were so heavy before are now light as a feather. Thank you for planting that seed in my mind.

at that moment on the freeway, i realized that without my noticing, my heaviest burdens had transformed into pumice and had already floated away down the River Funk. it took their absence, and the resulting uncapping of yet more ecstasy in the mushroom cloud in the back of my brain, before i even realized what had happened. and that, i think, is how it should be.

however, there's still more that can be made into pumice stone. i could take the metaphor even further and observe that pumice is used to soothe rough skin, especially pampering tired, abused, calloused feet. if my transformed transcended burdens can then be taken to smooth down the rough spots caused by the abuse and rigors of daily life, isn't that the essence of pronoia?

"[to] find the treasure in the trash, the gold in the lead, the manna in the junk food. sometimes the only way to get the good stuff into your system is to eat the whole disgusting thing." --The Televisionary Oracle, p. 123

there are still burdens which weigh me down. Project: Bio-Mom, for one. *k*, my oldest sister, is another. i'm too big on the concept of family to be writing people off. of course, the conflict is that i'm also not big into toxic people infecting my life, no matter who they are. so there is conflict. however, i suppose one burden at a time is enough to handle.

i've taken a few committed, irreversible steps in the making of Delena's Palace of Funky Bliss, so that fear is well underway of being faced, conquered, and banished. or rather, devoured, transmuted, and redeemed...

this could be, i suppose, the universe's way of telling me it's time to stop stalling and start planning the special ops for Project: Bio-Mom. it's a delicate operation that will require all of my compassionate cruelty and rowdy bliss, with no guarantee of success. in fact, i might make a few enemies along the way.

ah well. as long as i love them more than i love them...

the price of love pt. ii

...continued from pt. i...

i was standing in the middle of eternity, the countryside rolling in gentle swells as far as the eye could see. gone was the river of blood, where upon its blood-muddy banks i had sat with the pomegranate priestess. instead of the river, now i could see the rippling plains covered in barley swaying in the breeze which held a touch --a mere hint-- of ice.

it was the time of year when late summer was just changing hands with the darkening autumn, the chilled fingers of the turning seasons reaching into the heat of midday to raise goose chills on my skin even as I dripped sweat in the heat.

i stood alone on a hilltop, dressed for battle save for the general’s helmet tucked under one arm, its crest of red plumes fluttering ever so gently on the restless air. i looked around, expecting to see the pomegranate priestess with her blood tattoos, but she was gone. strands of hair had worked themselves loose from my braid and blew across my face; the breeze came from the north. death was in the wind this day, i knew. i ran my hands across the heads of barley and knew somehow this was the last moment of peace i would see for a long time, and i wished time would stand still.

silence fell.

even the breeze stopped and the barley froze in mid-sway. every tiny detail of the world stood out in cruel relief, simple as it was: the sky cerulean perfection, flawless; the hills so gentle it seemed the land was flatter than it truly was. it seemed i could run to the horizon and never get winded; the breeze sent the barley bowing and swaying in waves; the air crisp and fresh and smelled like…

i blinked my eyes and the peace shattered before me. suddenly i was sitting astride a warhorse just as garbed for battle as i was, a huge chestnut steed with black mane and tail. it had a red saddlecloth with gold trim; a red to match the plumes on my helmet. i alone in my army wore red, however, as was i the only one to have a horse.

this horse was no gelding and only half broken, fierce and rearing and whinnying and difficult to control. no one else could ride this horse, i knew, but even i had to give all my concentration to controlling my mount. i couldn't handle this horse casually at all but give it my full care and respect.

all this i knew in an instant as time resumed and i found myself suddenly astride this massive warhorse, my war party behind me shouting and roaring and beating their swords on their shields to get their blood racing.

i drew my greatsword from its sheath and pointed it forward, heralding the charge downhill. my enemies were here, concealed in the barley, occupying the beauty of the picturesque landscape in the heart of my queendom. “Onward!” it was a full-throated roar as i kicked my mount to full gallop.

the rest of my army, one hundred elite warriors of legendary skill and power, ran afoot alongside my mount. the horse, i knew, was a necessity born of the fact i could never have kept up with my companions running as easily as they kept up with my horse galloping.

i led the charge downslope, no enemy in sight and yet i knew that we were not alone in that vast field of barley.

And we fell on the enemy. the first of many: Fear.

i was screaming Fear’s name, waving my sword in the air and spurring my horse even faster. the bloodlust was a roar in my ears and a fire in my veins. there would be a reckoning this day!

and then i was upon her, and my horse was gone. i was on foot. my companions were fighting as well, but i could not see their adversaries. unseen foes accompanying Fear, nightmare conjurations of every form imaginable, but all i could see was Fear herself. my companions kept Fear’s minions away from me, defending me so i could face my enemy unhindered.

i raised my sword, screaming in the heat of battle. i looked into my enemy’s eyes.

my first mistake.

again time lurched, slowed to a crawl. i took in the sight of Fear from head to toe. her eyes held me. they were my eyes.

she had my round face, the scar on her bottom lip, her left cheekbone slightly puffier than her right from the day in high school when she cracked it. she was exactly my height; her hair exactly the length of mine; the mole on her neck; the scar on the knuckle of her right forefinger that i saw as she held up her hands…everything. she was me.

Fear was me.

i hesitated, my sword trembling in my hands. i wanted to weep. i was terrified. horrified! i would just as soon turn my sword upon myself!

Fear fell to her knees, hands in front of her face as if to deflect the blow she knew was coming. i knew exactly the expression i wore because Fear wore it as well, and i knew she would not weep no matter how terrified she was unless i wept first. it was then i noticed she wore no armor, no protection. all she wore was one of my favorite grungy, layered outfits i had loved back in middle school: forest-green shirt with a pocket at the left breast, faded and fraying denim shorts, black leggings underneath, black socks, black boots, black sweatshirt tied around her waist.

how could i kill an unarmed child? she certainly looked twelve years old again. i was trembling. an enemy as my equal, met face to face in armor and armed to the teeth i could slay, but i would not be a butcher of children! oh, how i trembled...!

...and then i realized this was her tactic; this was Fear’s great Weapon. she manipulated me as if i were the child!

anguish welled up within me. screaming anguish and defiance, i brought my sword down and sliced Fear clean across the chest, a diagonal gash that gaped horribly from her left shoulder down to the ribs on her right side. her breastbone made an ugly, wretched crunch as it was crushed. her blood sprayed across my face, splattered my armor, but i did not wipe it away.

upon the death of my first foe, my army rose up in a deafening cheer. “Onward!” I called, jabbing my bloodied sword straight up into the air.

to pt iii

brezsny-on-the-blog

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): What Martin Luther King Jr. said about epic struggles in the political arena is also apt for you in your private life, especially now: "Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that." I recommend that you translate his advice into the intimate details of your relationships. If you really do that with the irresistible force of your burning conviction, you will prove another one of King's excellent thoughts: "Unarmed truth and unconditional love will have the final word in reality."


y'know, part of me wanted to interpret this in the spirit of my new focus --my dedication to drawing to myself my Funky groovemate through the power of my thoughts and the confidence i have in the universe constructing custom-made blessings for me-- but there are other applications to it, as well.

projecting love and light --however HappyHippieBullshit it seems to the cynical of the world-- really does work to draw those very things towards you in abundance. like attracts like, one of the most fundamental laws of nature. with all the drama going on at work, all i do is project a caring, empathic energy and people are confiding in me, seeking my advice and opinions. there's room for honesty, and an ability to navigate those murky waters almost as miraculously as if i'd simply decided to walk on water.

"look, ma! i'm jesus!'

and at home, as well. *ds* and *ks* still asked if i was upset with them, but i wasn't. project love, channel empathy, and truth naturally follows. sometimes, within my adopted family, i feel like the simple-minded child, the one saturated in naïveté who gets patted on the head whenever i speak from the place of compassion or empathy. but i truly believe people will feel safer and freer to be true to themselves, to speak their own truth, in an environment shining with love and empathy. there's no room for judgement in such atmosphere, only acceptance and understanding.

or, at least, the striving for understanding. and as long as there is empathy, there will be fertile ground for communication, which will bear rich fruits of understanding.

this makes so much sense to me. sometimes i wonder why more people don't get it. of course, to be fair, it didn't always make sense... if unconditional love is to have its final word, i must recognize everyone is at their own individual place in their own individual growth stories, and perhaps they simply haven't developed to the point where they can see what i see so plainly.

and that's okay, too.

everyone is at their own place in their own story, and the unfoldling of the story will happen in its own time. there's simply no rushing it.

however, if dr. king was talking about epic struggles in the political arena, and if we take that same epic force and apply it to my focus to find my Groovemate with all the irresistible force of my burning conviction, then it's really only a matter of time until my projected love and resonating empathy draw to me someone who will love, protect, treasure, and adore me. only someone worthy of the gift of my Trinity of Self will be attracted to my roaring empathy, shining love, and burning compassion.

and then will come The Time of Unarmed Truth and Unconditional Love.

for Unarmed Truth is another way of saying vulnerability, which is what real intimacy demands. and unconditional love? intimacy fosters open communication, trust, and respect...which engender unconditional love.

...all the ingredients necessary to create the Radical Intimacy i shall enjoy with my Funky groovemate...

delena haiku

yet one more reason i love where i'm working now, despite the KKK Pep Rally Drama going on at the moment: the women there appreciate my quirky delena fun. i'd told one of the girls there, *sa*, that for years now writing haiku has been a closet passion of mine. so then she wanted me to share a few. so i wrote an ode to *sa* in which i called her "my sexy, mean, strap-on queen" and she loved it.

so every once in a while she'll write one herself, or prompt me to write one. her latest game is the Haiku Challenge, which is terrific fun: she thinks up three random words, the randomest most out-there words she can think of, and has me use them in a haiku. there are only two rules to the Haiku Challenge, and they are 1.) all three words must be used, and 2.) the haiku must make sense. of course, i can Challenge her right back. we have loads of fun with this one.

the other day, she calls to me from across the salon, "hey, delena! i got one for you!" she hands me a piece of paper upon which she has written rooster, gargoyle, and pancake. so i set it aside and continue grooming my dog, the gears in my brain already working. once in a while i'll stop clipping to scratch a few things on the paper, and before i'm even done with the haircut, i've got one:

An Ode to my *sa*
pride of the rooster,
heart of the gargoyle sentry,
sweetness of pancake.

she loved it. of course, she kept saying that the last line should've been "breasts flat as pancake," so i had to tell her that the thought crossed my mind. get a bunch of women together and they'll joke about things like that.

but i think my biggest pride was this morning. after being awakened far too early on my day off by a text message from *rj*, head thick from not enough sleep and thoughts quite sluggish, i got another text from *sa*.

"wasp, snorkel, toast," was all it said.

hmm. another Challenge. and dammit, this one was difficult. after ten minutes, i considered telling her i gave up.

ten more minutes later i text back:

Summer Fun
sunning toast-white legs
after snorkel fun at sea,
got stung by sand wasp.

she texts back: "U rock SO hard! ur the official master."

pretty dang good for too early in the morning...

when they say "vacation's over..."

So much has been happening in my life these days. Really magnificent things and some not so magnificent things. It feels like all the "old doors" that once represented my little safety zone have been closing one by one. I think it would be easier if it were happening in more spread out segments.

going about my life the other day, i came across this little tidbit over at the painted house, and it was all i could think about for the next two days. when i read them, the above sentences hit me like the Holy Shit Express at full speed because they were an exact echo of my own thoughts.

no, even better: they were an articulation of a jumbled mass of emotions i hadn't been able to sort out until that very moment.

a while ago i remember posting a declaration of independence in which i stated there was to be a complete makeover aiming to reveal my soft, divalicious center. i was to let go of the worship and honoring of War, Death, and Destruction as well as change my focus from family to love and intimacy. part of me wonders if this isn't simply the universe's way of telling me i was way off, or if it's telling me it's time to stop marinating and to throw it all over the fire.

the other day, it became obvious that the silverfox den cannot and will not work. for someone who is so communally-minded, so willing to work toward the benefit of the whole (because that's just how i was made), this realization fills me with indignant rage...at first. mostly i feel lied to, but i won't go into my feelings here for risk of the lameass drama i know it'll trigger.

mainly, i wanted to express the feeling of anxiety, doubt, and exhilaration that comes before any coming-of-age milestone. and yes, no matter how old you are, there are coming-of-age experiences all around you. in the constant shifting and changing we do as we grow and learn, new phases in life happen every day.

i have never, not once, lived alone. i grew up with three other bio-siblings; moved straight into marriage with my hatchling's first birthday happening a mere three weeks (to the day) after my first anniversary; lived with so many roomates i sometimes refer to them all as "the cast of thousands." empty rooms make me nervous. no sounds but the ones i make only heighten my awareness of my own vulnerability. i have this gripping fear of intruders (i'm a pacifist). all my life i've been plagued by serious nightmares, and an empty house meant a sleepless night. part of it comes from what happened in my psyche after i was raped, i know. yes, i was horridly violated, but at least i wasn't seriously injured or killed, y'know? part of me has a fear of having my personal living space violated and intruded upon, and maybe next time i won't be so lucky. so i've cushioned my life with the presence of loved and trusted friends and family, which is a good cushion to have.

but soon i'll be curled up in my own lair, with no one's hoard around me but my own. deep in my gut, i know i'm (for the most part) ready for this, but i'm so horridly terrified. i've let *ds* and *ks* think it's just anger or irritation at them. they're doing their "walk on eggshells" thing they do around me when they think i'm upset at them, and i'd rather them think that than know i'm terrified of living alone. why bother explaining it? there's nothing to do but face my fear and let it pass through me. nothing to do but keep going despite the panic, and sweat, and dread. for eleven years i've managed to hide --even from myself-- the degree that those rapes affected me. the realization has surfaced a few times, but i've always turned right around and re-buried it before i had to consider its implications.

i suppose now it's simply time to face it and let it burn itself out in the flames of my own fear. self-immolation of a psychic scar. kind of like when i invited my monsters in for a cuppa tea, and then proceeded to feed them until they ate themselves to death. however, this is one fear i thoroughly do not want to face...which is probably precisely why i need to face it.

dammit. i hate being enlightened sometimes...

i'm excited and even kind of thrilled at the prospect of my own space, my own time, and the first opportunity in my life to let my personality come out into full bloom in my surroundings without accomodating anyone else's style. i'm already thinking of things to make and buy, and what series i'm going to rent from netflix to fill up my evenings.

there's a clash of excitement and fear, unease and anger and curiosity.

Yesterday, it hit me hard that I've been too soft with myself. ...I need to harden it up a bit and move forward with a force as strong and steady as a bulldozer. I can feel a beautiful future ahead. I just need to step up to my plate in a very big way.

again, i read this and there was a sinking feeling in my gut. i've been avoiding stepping up to my own plate. i keep delaying Project: Bio-Mom, keep postponing my goddess-divorce, keep trying to focus on Love and Intimacy while in the safe comfort of family. and i've realized it, taken small steps to correct it, but avoided the real change i knew i needed to make because deep down i knew i needed my own space to do it. honestly, i'd rather be single the rest of my life than face those kinds of sleepless nights and that gripping fear, but i've been a self-respecting daughter of Lilith too long to put up with that attitude in myself. once you find a fear, and area of resistance, the only thing to do is burn it to the ground in a compassionate act of destruction.

life is the most thrilling adventure ever, and what i want --deep and lasting love and intimacy with a wonderful man, marriage, the iGoddess-hatchling, a new branch on the family tree i've lovingly planted-- is too funktastic and unbelievably wonderful to let something as silly as fear get in my way.

remember i was talking about coming-of-age experiences? well...wasn't there always a trial to overcome before the heroine could enjoy the rewards? ha! look at me, blending the dark teachings of Lilith with colorful, wackyloopy Pronoia as if i know what i'm talking about...