when they say "vacation's over..."

So much has been happening in my life these days. Really magnificent things and some not so magnificent things. It feels like all the "old doors" that once represented my little safety zone have been closing one by one. I think it would be easier if it were happening in more spread out segments.

going about my life the other day, i came across this little tidbit over at the painted house, and it was all i could think about for the next two days. when i read them, the above sentences hit me like the Holy Shit Express at full speed because they were an exact echo of my own thoughts.

no, even better: they were an articulation of a jumbled mass of emotions i hadn't been able to sort out until that very moment.

a while ago i remember posting a declaration of independence in which i stated there was to be a complete makeover aiming to reveal my soft, divalicious center. i was to let go of the worship and honoring of War, Death, and Destruction as well as change my focus from family to love and intimacy. part of me wonders if this isn't simply the universe's way of telling me i was way off, or if it's telling me it's time to stop marinating and to throw it all over the fire.

the other day, it became obvious that the silverfox den cannot and will not work. for someone who is so communally-minded, so willing to work toward the benefit of the whole (because that's just how i was made), this realization fills me with indignant rage...at first. mostly i feel lied to, but i won't go into my feelings here for risk of the lameass drama i know it'll trigger.

mainly, i wanted to express the feeling of anxiety, doubt, and exhilaration that comes before any coming-of-age milestone. and yes, no matter how old you are, there are coming-of-age experiences all around you. in the constant shifting and changing we do as we grow and learn, new phases in life happen every day.

i have never, not once, lived alone. i grew up with three other bio-siblings; moved straight into marriage with my hatchling's first birthday happening a mere three weeks (to the day) after my first anniversary; lived with so many roomates i sometimes refer to them all as "the cast of thousands." empty rooms make me nervous. no sounds but the ones i make only heighten my awareness of my own vulnerability. i have this gripping fear of intruders (i'm a pacifist). all my life i've been plagued by serious nightmares, and an empty house meant a sleepless night. part of it comes from what happened in my psyche after i was raped, i know. yes, i was horridly violated, but at least i wasn't seriously injured or killed, y'know? part of me has a fear of having my personal living space violated and intruded upon, and maybe next time i won't be so lucky. so i've cushioned my life with the presence of loved and trusted friends and family, which is a good cushion to have.

but soon i'll be curled up in my own lair, with no one's hoard around me but my own. deep in my gut, i know i'm (for the most part) ready for this, but i'm so horridly terrified. i've let *ds* and *ks* think it's just anger or irritation at them. they're doing their "walk on eggshells" thing they do around me when they think i'm upset at them, and i'd rather them think that than know i'm terrified of living alone. why bother explaining it? there's nothing to do but face my fear and let it pass through me. nothing to do but keep going despite the panic, and sweat, and dread. for eleven years i've managed to hide --even from myself-- the degree that those rapes affected me. the realization has surfaced a few times, but i've always turned right around and re-buried it before i had to consider its implications.

i suppose now it's simply time to face it and let it burn itself out in the flames of my own fear. self-immolation of a psychic scar. kind of like when i invited my monsters in for a cuppa tea, and then proceeded to feed them until they ate themselves to death. however, this is one fear i thoroughly do not want to face...which is probably precisely why i need to face it.

dammit. i hate being enlightened sometimes...

i'm excited and even kind of thrilled at the prospect of my own space, my own time, and the first opportunity in my life to let my personality come out into full bloom in my surroundings without accomodating anyone else's style. i'm already thinking of things to make and buy, and what series i'm going to rent from netflix to fill up my evenings.

there's a clash of excitement and fear, unease and anger and curiosity.

Yesterday, it hit me hard that I've been too soft with myself. ...I need to harden it up a bit and move forward with a force as strong and steady as a bulldozer. I can feel a beautiful future ahead. I just need to step up to my plate in a very big way.

again, i read this and there was a sinking feeling in my gut. i've been avoiding stepping up to my own plate. i keep delaying Project: Bio-Mom, keep postponing my goddess-divorce, keep trying to focus on Love and Intimacy while in the safe comfort of family. and i've realized it, taken small steps to correct it, but avoided the real change i knew i needed to make because deep down i knew i needed my own space to do it. honestly, i'd rather be single the rest of my life than face those kinds of sleepless nights and that gripping fear, but i've been a self-respecting daughter of Lilith too long to put up with that attitude in myself. once you find a fear, and area of resistance, the only thing to do is burn it to the ground in a compassionate act of destruction.

life is the most thrilling adventure ever, and what i want --deep and lasting love and intimacy with a wonderful man, marriage, the iGoddess-hatchling, a new branch on the family tree i've lovingly planted-- is too funktastic and unbelievably wonderful to let something as silly as fear get in my way.

remember i was talking about coming-of-age experiences? well...wasn't there always a trial to overcome before the heroine could enjoy the rewards? ha! look at me, blending the dark teachings of Lilith with colorful, wackyloopy Pronoia as if i know what i'm talking about...


Jane said...

Happy Monday!

You totally rock, Delena! And not just because you mentioned me in your awesome post :)))

I've been afraid of transitions for YEARS. To the point where it was really detracting me from living my life. I've had so many similar fears too. In the past few months, the Universe has been handing me a dose of something that feels alien. Not really a bad thing at all. I wish I could find the right words to describe the feelings. It feels like the Universe has been swirling and changing things in my path at such a great speed that I can no longer even fathom the fears of the future. It's all too big and uncertain. I simply have no choice but to turn it all over to God/Universe and live with each moment. Trust me, it's not my natural tendency to just let go of things as I've had to do lately.

For me, it's so clear that the key is to trust whatever faith system we've got. Fear is something that we have to look at, acknowledge, work through and say, "OK, now go the fuck away! You're not welcome here anymore." We have to step up to our own plates because we have the strength and determination in us to have beautiful lives if we want them. It's a combination of accepting that the Universe has a plan for us AND changing our fears in to possibilities.

Namaste, beautiful goddess.

Greg said...

fortunately, i've never had a fear of being alone. *cough cough* ;-)

one thing about you, sweetie, is that when you hit a wall (especially a wall of fear), you're apt to knock the damn thing down. doesn't make it easy, and it doesn't keep more walls from popping up in front of you. but it does show your character and your courage, both of which are stronger than you've ever given yourself credit for.

living on your own will be scary, but you know that you'll never really be 'on your own', because there are too many people who love you. i am but one.

Anonymous said...

Once again, your writing is powerful, candid, and the honesty in your words blows my mind.
Having lived on my own for the past 20 years, I can tell you that you're going to have a blast. The independence and freedom that you will experience day to day, may be enough to gradually dissapate(sp?) your fears.
I cannot imagine the trauma you've been through, but I know that you have the courage and the tools to make it through anything.
"When you're in doubt of yourself, just look back, and see the trail you've already blazed".