CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Below is an excerpt from a Charles Baudelaire poem, as translated by Louis Simpson. "Ask the wind, the wave, the star, the bird, the clock, everything that is flying, everything that is groaning, everything that is rolling, everything that is singing, everything that is speaking . . . ask what time it is, and wind, wave, star, bird, clock will answer you: 'It is time to be drunk! So as not to be the martyred slaves of time, be drunk, be continually drunk! On wine, on poetry or on virtue as you wish.'" It is a perfect time in your astrological cycle to draw inspiration from that counsel, Capricorn. In addition to wine, poetry, and virtue, consider trying anything else that might work to achieve the desired exaltation, like meditation, dancing, sex, dream work, or a vision quest.

well, that might actually be what needs to happen. i'm still waiting for the temporarily-blinding transition from shadow into dazzle-riffic lighty wowness.

a minor concussion yesterday has forced me to pretty much do nothing today. so i've had a lot of time to sit and think and talk to *ks* about a few things.

but yes, much-needed exultation. i haven't posted daily deelite in a few days because, quite frankly, beauty and truth fans, i haven't really been feeling all that grateful and i didn't want to post a lie up here, or in any other way make the gratitude forced. i've been intenstly discouraged, actually, and feeling like a big, fat failure in a lot of areas, but mainly with Freedom Revolution. and i've been doing a lot.

i will not post a frustrated rant up here about it.

no matter how much i want to.

no matter how i've been ranting and running around in circles in my head figuring this whole thing out.

...no matter how much i might want to.

i've come to the decision that it's all right to do nothing. not "nothing" in the typical definition of sit-on-your-ass-unproductively. but i'm going to take no forward or outward action right now. i'm going to handle this as a woman and go downward and inward. i'm also going to throw out those things about the business model that don't work for me, no matter how much everyone else in this business says, "do them. they work. just do them."

no thanks. i'm gonna re-work some of the business model delena-style, thanks.

and i'm going to continue with this. fuck it if no one i know and love comes with me on this. i know where i'm headed, i believe in where i'm headed, and i'm going to get there come hell or high water. i know i'll never be alone when i get there, because i'll be surrounded by people who think like i do, who act as i do: who believe in freedom, in a better life and richer opportunities, and who don't let anyone's fear (including their own) hold them back. who cares if no one comes with me? i will come with me, and i'm the best company of all. i can extend the invitation, but in the end if someone --friend, family member, co-worker-- chooses to be left behind, that's their choice.

i need to stop caring and feeling responsible for them, and i need to stop feeling guilty for leaving them behind. not my choice.

i also need to learn to feel okay with those feelings, with being a little harsher than i've ever been. in the past, i'd always chosen to remain behind with someone rather than forge ahead (really) on my own. i popped out of my bio-mother way more empathic than was probably good for me.

maybe it's time i had more empathy for myself. feeling bad for those who can't see the freedom for the fear...it's holding me back. i once wrote a story about a lioness who thought she was a mouse. i could never finish it because i never knew how it ended. now i know.

one day she realized, truly, that she was a lioness: the greatest hunter in the jungle or on the plains. one of her could send thousands in a herd stampeding. she lived her prowess, and never went hungry again. the end.

i am a lioness. i AM a Thunder Walker.

fear is not in my paradigm.

so effing mote it be.

i'm gonna go get drunk on stories now.

1 comment:

Shell said...

Sometimes you have to walk into our shadow side and see what's going on to get back to the light.