i've kind of been slacking lately.
pretty much in every department.
half of me doesn't really care all that much.
the other half is too mentally tired, despondent, and discouraged to get up the energy to give more than half a crap, really.
*ks* and i talked the other day, and he said something that hadn't occurred to me and gave me hope. i haven't mentioned my holosync much lately, but i still work with it daily (nightly?) before i go to bed. however lately, instead of helping in constructive-seeming and positive ways, i've hit that stage where it's dredging up lots of abstract and subconscious stuff. as a result, i'm restless, angry and aggravated with no visible cause or outlet, negative, worried, stressed-out, touchy, and fuzzy in the head. and i'm stressed-out to all hell about Freedom Revolution.
then again, i think when it comes to the business, i'm stressed-out less because i haven't met with much success yet, and more because (and this is the negativity talking) it feels like i'm surrounded by fucktards who can't see the prisons they've built around themselves, they continue to argue for their limitations (complaining about them, yet defending them -- which makes no sense), and i can see so many things so clearly now that their foolishness is just fucking frustrating.
i would totally put that into kinder, more understanding verbage if i had the energy to care right now. so much of my energy has gone into finding a way through this stupid obstacle of negativity that i really haven't much to spare. and it's frustrating that i can't solve this one as fast as i'd like to. it's put a cramp in my Funk.
negativity is kryptonite to the Funk.
the problem is that i can't find that big ol' kryptonite rock to get rid of it. i don't know where it's sitting, where it came from, why it's there, how big it is...nothing.
i can't think of a proper analogy because i can't think clearly (another lovely side-effect of Funk Kryptonite), but i know there are systems out there that, when you begin seriously cleaning them out, they run even better for a while but then all the really deep-seated junk build-up that took years to accumulate starts burbling up and causes all sorts of problems, but it's not so much a problem as a symptom of deep cleaning/healing. i think that's what's going on here, which is why i haven't fought it (much...) but i don't know what to do about it.
my normal witchy banishing and cleansing rituals/spells are too lightweight for something this heavy. it's like trying to move a lazy cat by nudging it: ain't gonna happen.
i would feel better if i had some business success. but the deeper soul in me knows that i won't have success until i feel better and clear this out. the deepest soul in me knows i only think i'll feel better. but i won't feel better until i have success. but i won't have success until i feel better. and 'round and 'round i go. it's pissing me off. i'm @#*!-ing terrified i just can't do this and am only lying to myself. i know it's not true, but dammit, it feels true. and every day it seems i encounter more and more people who tell me this whole thing sounds good, and knowing me they see it works, and they're definitely interested, and then...nothing. stop fucking lying to me and wasting my time, i want to say. don't look me in the eyes, say you'll call me, and then fail to do so.
it's just frustrating because, right now in the game, that's not what i need to be encountering. of course, philosophically, i also hear the voice saying perhaps it's exactly what i need to be encountering. it doesn't help. no, trust me. it doesn't help. the standard advice...i've already given myself. the whole "what would a true leader do in my place?" approach, yeah yeah yeah. heard it all before. not helping. i @#*!-ing want to see some @#*! results for my @#*! hard work and all that very hard-earned money that i've watched leave my bank account for something i believed would work.
the system, i still believe in.
myself? not so much.