O.O'

okay, so i just committed another 664$ to this. omg.

seminar ticket in Ft. Lauderdale next month - 297$
round trip flight - 308$
one night in a cheap hotel - 52$ ( + another night with no clue where i'm staying)
the anticipated rewards of masterminding with champion entrepreneurs - priceless.

it still makes get all overwhelmed inside... but i just believe in this so much. and i know this will help me tremendously. i believe in it so strongly i'm actually willing to face some Real fears that have been really good at hiding from me even through some brutally honest times in my life. knees trembling, body quivering, heart racing, sweating and lightheaded and tears stinging behind my eyes...i'm just putting one foot in front of the other.

is this courage? i'm terrified, and inside i can hear the Old Delena screaming in panic. she's really losing it back there. facing this, doing this, risking like this, it turns my bowels to water. but i just take one step, and then another, and another after that.

is this courage? it doesn't feel like it.

my sister *ds*, Jiggy Funk bless her, sent me this email earlier, before i committed two week's worth of my almost-over wages:

"You are taking a massive step to declare to the world that you are *going* to become an independent, successful person…whether the rest of the world likes it or not."

i've never been here before, on the Road to Success and Independence. thank the Divine Wow for her and *ks*, honestly. without them, i know i wouldn't have come as far as i have already. it doesn't feel like much, but i look at the road behind me and i've come a considerable way. i still have a considerable way to go, but if not for them, i don't know that i'd have taken this new road at all. *ds*, *ks*, if you're reading this, thank the gods for you, i fucking swear.

is this courage?