CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): It's clear to me that a part of you needs to come out of hiding. I'm not exactly sure what that means, though. Maybe there's a talent you've buried that's ready to emerge into the light. It could be that a question you've been trying to ignore is finally ripe to be asked. Perhaps you've been stoically putting up with a tweaked situation that you really should rise up and transform. What do you think it is, Capricorn?

once more, mr. brezsny, you're absolutely right.

y'know, i like it better when --through my own receptivity of the PNN-- i already feel what it's telling me and i've already taken steps in that direction so when your horoscope comes, i bounce up and down in my desk chair (which is bouncy), point at my screen, and excitedly cry, "hey! i'm already doing that!"

"yes," you say, "but notice that when that happens, you're channeling pronoiafunk anyway and therefore are picking up the Pronoiac News Network loud and clear."

"well, yeah..."

"it's when my horoscopes come as a slap on the ass that you're not paying attention--"


"--and when you need to hear it the most."


well yeah, okay, fine. i admit, he has a point. but don't you just hate it when someone forces you to look at an aspect of yourself and you know it's gonna hurt?

i've been hiding. quite literally. last monday was a really horrible day. i mean really horrible. at risk of sounding like i'm focusing on the bad (which i'm not) it really felt like i'd been visited by the Crap Fairy and left with a big, fat welt where she'd whacked me upside the back of my head.

so i took some time to regroup, focus on other things, and on saturday really felt like i was back where i needed to be. i know, it seems like a long time. and i realized then i'm really dealing with a whole lotta fear. i haven't made a single call to a single person who's indicated interest in my business and here it is tuesday of the following week. running into so many jerks, flakes, and out-and-out hostility did a real number on me.

it came to my attention that i'm facing a real, deep-seated fear that last week manifested as "stepping back" to "get into a better frame of mind."

but really, i was running.

i know it.

at the time i didn't, but i do now. and now that i know, i face a choice: let the fear rule me and do nothing but return to mediocrity; or face it, master it, and learn from the experience.

it's a damn shame there's no third option, because i'm really not wanting to face this thing, but i know i have to. if you're not growing, you're stagnating. if life isn't getting better, it's only getting worse. the way things move nowadays, and how fast things change, you have to change with them or are only being left behind. there is no status quo, no "holding pattern."

you're either growing, or you're not. and no growth is called "death."

no, seriously, look at that. in nature, if it's not growing, it's stagnating, dying, or already dead. and who wants to be dying or dead? corpses are left behind, so if you're not getting ahead then what are you?

a corpse?

um, ew.

so yeah. i must choose life, and growth, and evolution of my mind and spirit. and so i am faced with this great opportunity to conquer yet another thing that had heretofore ruled me without my consent. and this thing? it is fear. fear of rejection, fear of failure, but also fear of success. deep down, i believe that i won't succeed at this.

i'm sabotaging my own success and freedom, killing my own dreams.

so before, when i would have spent so much time exploring why i feel this way, where it's coming from, understanding it, and then figuring out how to overcome it...which takes a whole lotta time and energy...instead i'm just gonna forge ahead despite this and tell this fear in my subconscious to shut the hell up, i'm busy being successful and getting rich.

so there.

and it was good.

No comments: