"thank you for calling Support..."

i know technically it's saturday, but i haven't gone to bed and awakened to a new day, so to me it's still technically friday night. just really late.

anyway.

so today i called up holosync support because a.) i've been meaning to, and b.) after my last blog post, it really just hit home for me why i really needed to not put it off any longer.

the guy on the other end of the line told me what *ks* had told me the other day, confirmed what i said in my last post, only he was able to really elaborate. and he was able to tell me that what's happening to me happens to a lot of people.

which is a relief, because i thought i was seriously regressing to Old Delena. like, pre-Kali Summer Delena.

scary.

(aka terrifying)

i haven't been having any outbursts. i'm more the implosive temper type, y'know? but i can't exactly hide it completely; i just work my hardest to avoid inflicting this targetless negativity upon anyone else. sometimes, though, it's been a very real challenge not to, and sometimes i wonder how obvious the internal, titanic struggle truly is.

because there are days when it sounds like Clash of the Titans inside myself.

it's physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausting.

very exhausting.

i was told it's my resistance of and struggle with this that's creating the suffering, which i figured. however, i couldn't quite understand how to avoid both struggling with it (creating suffering) and simultaneously avoid inflicting this anger on anyone else.

of course, all of this probably makes very little sense without understanding how holosync actually works. it's like power-meditating, receiving all the benefits (and challenges) of years and years of meditation very quickly, but it also causes all these stressors to be released from your subconscious and nervous system, and it's a soul detox. so toxins are being released, and the deeper i go into this, the harder i push myself (like an athelete would, only i'm training my mind and soul) the more gets released.

something he said...something about how i'm trying to stop the flow of the river, which is impossible. something about how i'm pushing and pulling and trying to keep control so hard that i'm exhausting myself...and finally i'll just learn to let go, or through sheer exhaustion i won't be able to fight anymore.

yet more lessons in How To Let Go, which i've never been great at.

something he said just hit me so hard, i was standing there in the kitchen crying like a total idiot. and i didn't even really know why, except that his words had reached like a hand inside me and gripped my solar plexus in his fist.

something he said just enveloped my entire difficulty with so many very deep things --my difficulties letting go, my encompassing block against crying, even Freedom Revolution-- and there i was, with tears down my stupid face. i hate crying. ironic as it sounds, there's this part of me that wants to learn how to cry so badly. how the hell does someone cry without feeling like a total fucking idiot? how does one cry without being utterly disgusted with one's self? i have no idea how.

but yeah. what he said punched right through me and squeezed my solar plexus. you know how you can squeeze silly putty in your fist and it oozes out between your fingers? that's the visual i got of my chakra, and just about as violent: a fist punching through me, squeezing the crap out of my poor little yellow gut chakra. it almost knocked me onto my ass chakra.

apparently the only thing to do is continue to detox, which means continuing to do exactly as i've been doing, and just wait it out. i wish there were some sort of spiritual ipecac or meditational castor oil. maybe stick a finger down my throat chakra? hork it all up, then tuck me up on the couch with blankets, soft pink fuzzy socks, lots of herbal teas, and lemme watch practical magic and the last unicorn.

yeah. i wish.