when the subconscious speaks

it's been said that when you finally slow down, quiet the mind chatter, and listen, you can actually be surprised at just how loudly and clearly your subconscious speaks to you. it happened to me the other day when i was relaxed and half-asleep, and surprised by a kiss.

it happens.

pretty much all my life i've been open to my dreams when they chose to speak to me. now i realize that i had it backwards: i was open to my dreams when i chose to listen to them. apparently i'm doing something right lately, because my subconscious is coming through loud and clear. a lot of the time i used to spend was dedicated to teasing out a meaning from my dreams, if i could at all. now, when i wake in the morning (or afternoon if i went to bed hours after sunrise), i lie in bed for a few moments and recall every aspect of my dream i can, and the exercise actually stimulates more images to come to the surface.

then i ask myself, "what is my subconscious trying to tell me?" reflecting on the imagery, the people, and the concepts, i'm actually able to reach a conclusion that feels right. and when the feeling is in my solar plexus, i know logically it's correct. when i feel it in my womb, i know instinctively it's correct. when i feel it in both places, i know i have reached crystal clarity.

my subconscious has been very talkative lately.

the other night i had a very odd dream. i mean, really odd. a race of intelligent giant squid had subjugated the human race for a food source, but humans had been subjugated for so long it was just accepted that this was how life was, and many even saw the giant squid as benevolent protectors. weird. but anyway, there was a small band of people who were planning on overthrowing the whole system, and it centered on one man with a quiet yet powerful vision.

yeah, i woke up from that one going, "wtf?" but look at the imagery: giant, threatening, devouring monsters unseen in the cold, murky depths of the ocean; a destructive and subjugating paradigm alive so long the monstrosities committed beneath it were considered "normal"; a radical ideology weak compared to the firmly-established genocidal culture; one person at the center, driven by a love for humanity so great he would face death to set them free.

if those (weird) giant squid represent anything, it's the monsterous and destructive belief structure deep in my subconscious that has been inspiring me to self-sabotage, and it's been around so long i take it for granted. but the revolutionary freedom fighter(s) in me are overthrowing the phallocratic paradigm because they're tired of how i keep devouring myself. love and abundance are gentle and quiet by nature, but powerful. but it's like water against a rock, which takes eons to erode. a radical shift must take place. a love for myself so great it's willing to face down the killer giant squid in my psyche, and the parts of me still loyal to their slavery in this evil paradigm, against impossible odds.

so...what destructive beliefs am i still holding onto? because clearly the inner me, the Real Me, is totally sick of them and wants them gone now. so i'll listen, no matter how weird the message was, and honor it. and y'know, it's funny. i've always had an anxiety about swimming in water where i couldn't see the bottom; i never knew what was swimming around down there, just waiting to grab me and pull me under. maybe it wasn't real-live sea creatures i was afraid of?

and today i dreamt i was heading into a building i kind of wanted to enter. suddenly richard's wife opened the front door and greeted me. i was surprised, but i returned her salutations. the building was supposed to be empty, so i asked her, "is there anyone inside?"

"only mr. man," she replied, and somehow i knew she meant richard.

if it meant having to deal with him, i realized that i really didn't want inside that building as much as i thought, and those things i was planning to do inside didn't seem so important anymore. i was able to just let it go, because he wasn't worth the trouble. now, this dream only really makes sense when you know that over the last couple of months i've been really thinking about seeking out richard and willow to thank them. a sort of regret's been filling me. and i really miss willow, but knowing her, she's probably still stuck in the life i last saw her in, which makes her entirely unhappy. no growth.

they're just not worth my time or energy. talk about moving on. i'm too surrounded by fantabulous and mind-blowing Thunder Walkers, bombastic and supportive family, the Funkalicious Jiggy Snake Itself who sends me these gorgeous emails every morning...and i have myself. and when i'm as bootylicious and Funktastic as i know i am, how can i fail with someone like me in my corner?

i mean seriously.

so i have some things to look at, big and voraciously threatening things to kick out of the ocean of my subconscious. there's no room for inner flaming narcissists or giant killer squid.

maybe i'll throw a volley of joy mines at them, get this ball rolling.

víve la revolución de Funk!