what's that word again?

from the oxford-delena dictionary

revelation (n):

1. something revealed or disclosed, esp. a striking disclosure, as of something not before realized.
2. an enlightening or astonishing disclosure
3. communication of knowledge to a person or humankind by a divine or supernatural agency
4. something delena had the other day that knocked her on her mental ass

i am not what you think i am.

there's been a lot of self-discovery here at iGoddess lately, and it's been Funkaliciously phenominal. i will continue to soar above vistas that i have only heretofore dimly imagined, and anything i learn about myself and the world around me will only propel me further, faster.


i realized something about myself the other day that floored me. for the longest, i've been surrounded by people telling me they applauded or admired me because i am courageous and unrestrained, that i jump headlong into challenges and opportunities where others quail at the sidelines. and i have believed this of myself, and it has been somewhat of a source of arrogance for me, i'll admit. i've owned that arrogance, and it manifested as frustration for those who would stand on the sidelines and refuse to make the jump and yet had the audacity to armchair quarterback my own decision to leap.

i've lately come to learn the difference between really jumping, and the playacting i've been doing up until now.

and i know, lately i haven't really been divulging a whole lot of detail about what's been going on in my life. part of that is because i'm living in my head a lot right now and spilling it onto iGoddess where i know it's safe. the other part is because i'm not quite ready yet to say much. i can say something of the relationship department, however. in fact, it's going quite well. that's part of what i've been chewing on. another part of it is work. lately it's really gone to the dogs (yes, pun intended) and corporate is really starting to micromanage and armchair quarterback to destructive degrees. really destructive. this past saturday, i almost walked out on my job.

i've come too far and learned too much to allow myself to stay in such a toxic environment. *m* will remain my last experience with becoming polluted to saturation with toxicity. i look back on those entries now, on how i felt and how i came across to my friends and family, and it embarrasses me. i'm so sorry i spread that poison around, seriously. i apologize for it, deeply. and i will not go there ever again. lately, in the salon, it's been poisonous. especially with the new things i've learned --and learned about myself-- sometimes even just walking into the salon and picking up on all that negativity makes me physically ill. and it saddens me, because i used to adore my job. but the physical demands of grooming are enough. pile on nausea and lower GI problems because the environment is so toxic i'm physically sick?

yeah, something's gonna give.

emotionally, however, i haven't let it touch me. i've been the warm little center of my universe, creating each day in my own image and walking out untouched by the chaos in there. kind of like at passover, the Angel of Chaos passeth over me. but the negativity is still there to wade through, and it still affects the technicalities of my job. not to mention politics are threatening my actual position there. i'm under investigation right now, actually, because they need a fall guy.

all these things, however, have forced me to do things like look at my goals, to take certain risks, and make decisions that i normally wouldn't have. and it's all totally outside my field of vision. i know i said that "outside the box" is just outside of our own insecurities. well, i finally decided to be truly courageous and not just step outside the box, but to toss the whole thing out the window and walk in landscapes alien to my life experience. it's terrified me, but it's been exhilarating, too.

i'm probably being silly, but that's how i feel right now. this isn't a joke, and this isn't play. this is my reality, and the momentum is intimidating and uncomfortable. apparently i'm not as cavalier, headlong, and daring as i thought. looking back, when i decided to go ahead and do something, i'd been thinking about it, digesting it, playing out scenarios in my mind, getting used to the idea long before deciding anything.

and i always made sure i knew how i felt about it and made sure i was sure...then i "dove headlong," only after all that, there wasn't much daring diving on at that point. it was a calculated jump complete with safety net and parachute, and an escape backup plan.

and there was no solid commitment, so no consequences if i failed. i couldn't lose. all the risk and danger had been scrubbed by the time i moved on anything, using that method.

this version of goal-setting --of declaring what i want, setting those goals high enough to make me actually nervous, and setting a time limit on them-- is serious Headlong Jumping, and the real thing scares the shit out of me...which is probably why i eliminated all danger and risk from the process.

well, i used to, anyway...

perhaps i should make Headlong Jumping into my own personal sport...

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