1. dinner last night was so awesome. simple, but awesome. have i extended gratitude lately for the simplicity of a magically yumariffic dinner with my siblings?
2. our cable went out last night around 01:00, right when we were all heavily into our stuff. *ds* and *ks* were hot in WOW, and i was...i dunno...checking email and managing my blogs, i think, and reading an online article about how vegetarian/fruitarian lifestyles benefit our health. yeah, i'm a web-surfer girl; at any given moment, i have at least 3-4 browsers open, usually more. suddenly i heard grumbling to my left as my MMORP siblings got the big boot. i was happily oblivious, absorbed in my article, but after it hit what had happened we were --sadly-- kinda like the Borg unplugged.
but what was first seen as a bane became a boon. i'd already lit several candles around the living room for ambiance, it was a warm night, and we all plopped on the couch together for an enjoyable time together watching oh brother, where art thou?
3. more than i can say, i'm grateful things are finally starting to pick up for me and Freedom Revolution
4. when i made my dream board movie, i put together three clips of as many of my friends as i had pictures for. i made two collages of them, and in doing so it really put in front of me just how saturated my life is. i'm positively dripping with friendship and love and support, and it's so awesome to see that. i think, in my heart, i was still in that place after my Kali Summer where it felt like i really didn't have many friends at all. but the people left over from that time two years ago are the ones that will be around forever, and the new friends i've made since then are an empire unto themselves. take a look. pause it when the collages come up. you're in there. and if not, it's only because i didn't have a picture of you! (hint, hint!)
my circle of friends is bigger than a lot of extended families of people i know. talk about funkalicious abundance!
i love you all. you people rock!
5. and i can't even begin to express how grateful i am that i have the time to do something as simple as sit here for twenty minutes doing nothing but writing about all the things i'm grateful for today!
7.31.2008
brezsny-on-the-blog
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): "You have to love life when you're in really deep trouble," said poet Robin Blaser. So what about if, on the other hand, you're in only shallow trouble? Do you have a mandate to just sort of *like* life a little more? Or can you, with a little work, exploit the mild disturbance that the shallow trouble provides in order to dramatically pump up your adoration of life? I hope that your actions in the coming week, Capricorn, will be a big "yes" in response to that question. I'm happy to tell you that you can wangle a big boost from a small inconvenience.
hmm, "mild disturbance..." y'know, yesterday i wrote quite a bit at Freedom Revolution about a certain mild disturbance that didn't feel quite so mild. it seemed quite huge, actually. really huge. in retrospect, however, it was less about an external "huge" problem and more about conquering myself.
and what a big boost it was!
of course, that doesn't have to be the only area in my life where i'm ankle-deep in the Teenie-Weenie Wading Pool of Troubled Waters and worrying about tsunamis. i still worry about paring down to two days a week at the salon while, conversely, i'm counting down the four weekends left that i have there. and it's not even as if i'm looking forward to anything grandiose. quite the opposite. i've resolved to take the first free weekend i have and i'm going down to saturday market downtown. it's a fun-filled weekend of bohippian funk and gypsy caravan flair, something my soul hasn't gotten enough of in two years.
i am determined!
but really, that's about all the trouble my fabulicious pronoiac self can conjure at the moment. not that i'm complaining...
everywhere else, in every way else, things are only getting better.
hmm, "mild disturbance..." y'know, yesterday i wrote quite a bit at Freedom Revolution about a certain mild disturbance that didn't feel quite so mild. it seemed quite huge, actually. really huge. in retrospect, however, it was less about an external "huge" problem and more about conquering myself.
and what a big boost it was!
of course, that doesn't have to be the only area in my life where i'm ankle-deep in the Teenie-Weenie Wading Pool of Troubled Waters and worrying about tsunamis. i still worry about paring down to two days a week at the salon while, conversely, i'm counting down the four weekends left that i have there. and it's not even as if i'm looking forward to anything grandiose. quite the opposite. i've resolved to take the first free weekend i have and i'm going down to saturday market downtown. it's a fun-filled weekend of bohippian funk and gypsy caravan flair, something my soul hasn't gotten enough of in two years.
i am determined!
but really, that's about all the trouble my fabulicious pronoiac self can conjure at the moment. not that i'm complaining...
everywhere else, in every way else, things are only getting better.
7.30.2008
ah, the wonders, hilarity, and humanity of the internet...
every morning monday thru friday in iGoddess Land, the minbari-like alarm chimes softly and soothingly at 07:57, which is just enough time for me to wake up, sigh and smile like i do every morning (because waking up is a pleasant experience), turn off the alarm and dial in to my morning conference call. it's an exciting, cheerful conversation filled with enthusiasm and boundless energy. it puts me in the right frame of mind to begin my day, and i can lie in bed with my eyes closed, smiling to myself, while on speakerfone tony rush is talking about leadership, awareness, freedom, compassion, and outreach. it's a beautiful thing.
and sometimes i turn off the alarm and roll over, hug my pillow, and sleep in an extra hour or so. this, too, is a beautiful thing.
finally rolling out of bed is always such a fantastic feeling. i get up, greet the kitties who come rushing to my door, spend a little time with rumblestrut (who, because he's a cat, got kicked out of paradise aka "my room" during the night and feels slightly exiled), and come to my computer to find out what my day has in store for me. i check all my email (from five accounts, that can be a lot some days), take notes on business emails and website responses, write a list of who i get to call that day, and read my newsletters.
it's amazing the things i find in this phenominally delicious world...
like today i found this adorable little snippet into the inside of a healthy, happy, well-adjusted single woman's mind. what rocks is that this article called me "The Holy Grail!" as a cute, intelligent, and hilarious chick who's also a gamer, i've half-jokingly referred to myself as "prime equity stock" in the past. after this, i think i like "Holy Grail" much better! how many guys can say that they found a girl who not only tolerates their new-game obsessions and weekend-long gaming marathons, but also is happy to be the supportive, cheering audience, is eager to fix a "Glorious Pot of Everfill" chili and stock up on potions of Henry Weinhart to last the marathon, and even joins in and kicks some butt of her own? in a word, a chick like that is orgasmically delicious! a definite Holy Grail for the saavy male gamer looking for love, marriage, and PvP*.
with my beloved boho mom on the brain, i went out and watched randy pausch's Final Lecture on YouTube. it was simply amazing. i got teary-eyed when he had a birthday cake wheeled out and had the whole auditorium sing "happy birthday" to his wife. i read the small tribute Google wrote in honor of him (and you're definitely a Thunder Walker if Google tips its hat to you!), and found this article on Wired.com with an interesting sign of the times. we're entering a new age of not just cybersex and e-commerce, but of whole communities of iVillages and, now, thanks to Randy, distributed iFunerals. the internet is truly a wonderful, wonder-filled place...
speaking of randy, he mentioned how his childhood hero was Captain Kirk and expressed all this excitement for the captain's nifty, neat-o toys. he held up his own Star Trek communicator, then held up his real-life, working model that happened to be smaller, sleeker, and was called a "cell phone." i grew up with The Original Series (on re-run, unfortunately, as i was born in the late 70's) in a sci-fi-encouraged home. it's always so much fun to see when science fact catches up with science fiction. better still, when i see how science fiction is used for the greater good. now there's a version of pronoia in action, baby!
of course, hilariously enough, this wonder-filled world we live in isn't for the faint of heart, either... sometimes it's nice to take a look at ourselves and our lives in 2008 and see just how good we got it.
*PvP, for you non-gamers, stands for Player vs. Player, a cutthroat and merciless arena where winner takes all, and losers often get camped*.
*again, for you non-gamers, "camped" is a term meaning that, when you've gotten ganked by a player with better stats and mad skillz than you, they end up sitting next to your corpse waiting for you to resurrect with only 5% of your hit points so they can squick you again. vicious and delicious, tastes just like vengeance!
and sometimes i turn off the alarm and roll over, hug my pillow, and sleep in an extra hour or so. this, too, is a beautiful thing.
finally rolling out of bed is always such a fantastic feeling. i get up, greet the kitties who come rushing to my door, spend a little time with rumblestrut (who, because he's a cat, got kicked out of paradise aka "my room" during the night and feels slightly exiled), and come to my computer to find out what my day has in store for me. i check all my email (from five accounts, that can be a lot some days), take notes on business emails and website responses, write a list of who i get to call that day, and read my newsletters.
it's amazing the things i find in this phenominally delicious world...
like today i found this adorable little snippet into the inside of a healthy, happy, well-adjusted single woman's mind. what rocks is that this article called me "The Holy Grail!" as a cute, intelligent, and hilarious chick who's also a gamer, i've half-jokingly referred to myself as "prime equity stock" in the past. after this, i think i like "Holy Grail" much better! how many guys can say that they found a girl who not only tolerates their new-game obsessions and weekend-long gaming marathons, but also is happy to be the supportive, cheering audience, is eager to fix a "Glorious Pot of Everfill" chili and stock up on potions of Henry Weinhart to last the marathon, and even joins in and kicks some butt of her own? in a word, a chick like that is orgasmically delicious! a definite Holy Grail for the saavy male gamer looking for love, marriage, and PvP*.
with my beloved boho mom on the brain, i went out and watched randy pausch's Final Lecture on YouTube. it was simply amazing. i got teary-eyed when he had a birthday cake wheeled out and had the whole auditorium sing "happy birthday" to his wife. i read the small tribute Google wrote in honor of him (and you're definitely a Thunder Walker if Google tips its hat to you!), and found this article on Wired.com with an interesting sign of the times. we're entering a new age of not just cybersex and e-commerce, but of whole communities of iVillages and, now, thanks to Randy, distributed iFunerals. the internet is truly a wonderful, wonder-filled place...
speaking of randy, he mentioned how his childhood hero was Captain Kirk and expressed all this excitement for the captain's nifty, neat-o toys. he held up his own Star Trek communicator, then held up his real-life, working model that happened to be smaller, sleeker, and was called a "cell phone." i grew up with The Original Series (on re-run, unfortunately, as i was born in the late 70's) in a sci-fi-encouraged home. it's always so much fun to see when science fact catches up with science fiction. better still, when i see how science fiction is used for the greater good. now there's a version of pronoia in action, baby!
of course, hilariously enough, this wonder-filled world we live in isn't for the faint of heart, either... sometimes it's nice to take a look at ourselves and our lives in 2008 and see just how good we got it.
*PvP, for you non-gamers, stands for Player vs. Player, a cutthroat and merciless arena where winner takes all, and losers often get camped*.
*again, for you non-gamers, "camped" is a term meaning that, when you've gotten ganked by a player with better stats and mad skillz than you, they end up sitting next to your corpse waiting for you to resurrect with only 5% of your hit points so they can squick you again. vicious and delicious, tastes just like vengeance!
too excited
after much musing, stressing, panicking, ranting, brainstorming, studying, experimenting, and spending, i think my internet advertising is finally beginning to get off the ground with Freedom Revolution.
lemme just say that GoogleAds is a *****. <--censored
it's been a very enlightening journey so far.
but not only are some of my ads up in place and working (i'm getting emails and phone calls from real people interested! huzzah!), but i even have a blog up and running. i'm still debating what to put the focus on. i know pretty much only three or four people comment on this blog, like, ever. but still, if at all possible, perhaps a little help and feedback? i really would appreciate input on what you guys think the focus should be over on Freedom Revolution's blog.
should it be the aspect of my struggles, trials, and triumphs in building my internet marketing empire? should it be focusing more on the pleasure of helping the people i meet in taking control of their own lives and building their own financial freedom? should it be on the personal growth potential of what Freedom Revolution has to offer? a mix of all three? or something else altogether?
i haven't really had any travel or phenominally wealthy experiences yet, like some of my colleagues with their own blogs. so it's not like i can say, "hey! i just got back from hawai'i and here are some great pictures!" or anything like that. not yet, anyway. but i don't want to be just a mimic of what's already out there, especially since some of the greatest of the Thunder Walkers can express some of the things i do better than i can right now. they've been doing it longer, are already self-made millionaires, and handle the Entrepreneur Biz 101 calls as it is.
so anyway, the link's on my blogroll now. feedback, questions, opinions, anything at all would be appreciated.
thanks again!
lemme just say that GoogleAds is a *****. <--censored
it's been a very enlightening journey so far.
but not only are some of my ads up in place and working (i'm getting emails and phone calls from real people interested! huzzah!), but i even have a blog up and running. i'm still debating what to put the focus on. i know pretty much only three or four people comment on this blog, like, ever. but still, if at all possible, perhaps a little help and feedback? i really would appreciate input on what you guys think the focus should be over on Freedom Revolution's blog.
should it be the aspect of my struggles, trials, and triumphs in building my internet marketing empire? should it be focusing more on the pleasure of helping the people i meet in taking control of their own lives and building their own financial freedom? should it be on the personal growth potential of what Freedom Revolution has to offer? a mix of all three? or something else altogether?
i haven't really had any travel or phenominally wealthy experiences yet, like some of my colleagues with their own blogs. so it's not like i can say, "hey! i just got back from hawai'i and here are some great pictures!" or anything like that. not yet, anyway. but i don't want to be just a mimic of what's already out there, especially since some of the greatest of the Thunder Walkers can express some of the things i do better than i can right now. they've been doing it longer, are already self-made millionaires, and handle the Entrepreneur Biz 101 calls as it is.
so anyway, the link's on my blogroll now. feedback, questions, opinions, anything at all would be appreciated.
thanks again!
7.29.2008
daily deelite
1. per recommendation by *rj* back on saturday, i asked google to help me find dr. horrible, and it absolutely effing rocked! i highly recommend it. for any of you out there who loved buffy the vampire slayer or serenity, Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog is a musical in 3 parts written by the mr. joss whedon himself. i fall to my knees in homage of the greatest writer in the world.
he rocks. (btw, if you like it, please buy it off iTunes for a number of reasons; some of which being that this was an experiment, it helps offset production costs for this low-budget project, and as proof of a concept it'll help encourage others to make more of these for their fans!)
2. i'm grateful for those creative things in the world like buffy, babylon 5, and stardust. it's something that reaches large numbers of people and sparks something inside of them, inspires their creativity and sense of wonder.
3. i'm grateful for yummy iced chamomile/honeysuckle/blackberry/peppermint tea in the afternoon. sweetened with a little brown sugar? heavenly!
4. i'm grateful for the help and creativity of my siblings. slowly but surely, we're overcoming my advertising and marketing obstacles that were really starting to get me down.
5. and i love how every minute is another chance to turn it all around.
he rocks. (btw, if you like it, please buy it off iTunes for a number of reasons; some of which being that this was an experiment, it helps offset production costs for this low-budget project, and as proof of a concept it'll help encourage others to make more of these for their fans!)
2. i'm grateful for those creative things in the world like buffy, babylon 5, and stardust. it's something that reaches large numbers of people and sparks something inside of them, inspires their creativity and sense of wonder.
3. i'm grateful for yummy iced chamomile/honeysuckle/blackberry/peppermint tea in the afternoon. sweetened with a little brown sugar? heavenly!
4. i'm grateful for the help and creativity of my siblings. slowly but surely, we're overcoming my advertising and marketing obstacles that were really starting to get me down.
5. and i love how every minute is another chance to turn it all around.
7.28.2008
daily deelite
1. i woke up today so grateful that i didn't have to go in to the salon today.
2. i'm so grateful i have the freedom to choose this life i've chosen for myself. i'm grateful for the freedoms i have, and grateful i can devote my life to making the world a better place by helping people to make their lives better.
3. i'm grateful for the things in life that bring such wonderful nights like saturday night into my life.
4. i'm grateful for the wonderful people the universe ushers into my life because i wished for them.
5. for the awesomely fun, relaxing day i had yesterday, i am so thankful. i love road trips.
2. i'm so grateful i have the freedom to choose this life i've chosen for myself. i'm grateful for the freedoms i have, and grateful i can devote my life to making the world a better place by helping people to make their lives better.
3. i'm grateful for the things in life that bring such wonderful nights like saturday night into my life.
4. i'm grateful for the wonderful people the universe ushers into my life because i wished for them.
5. for the awesomely fun, relaxing day i had yesterday, i am so thankful. i love road trips.
7.27.2008
NIN
i pretty much took that picture just for proof that i was there. that was after their last set, before the encore.
it effing rocked last night! i had so much fun...
it was kinda strange being in seattle. the last time i'd been there was in '02 when i was visiting with *k*, my estranged older sister. it feels really good to be able to imprint better memories atop the crappy ones of pretty much the entire state of washington. i really don't like WA all that much: it's where i was married, after all, and where a lot of people live that used to be friends. the only reason i drove up there was for them, or back when *j* and i were together i'd drive up to see him. so i didn't have a whole lot of reason to even give the state my time of day. but a NIN concert?
yeah, i'll do that. =) and it was great!
i got pics of the space needle, also to prove i was there. "for blog posterity," i said. there was a parade going on at the same time, and some sort of decorative military function, so it was c-r-o-w-d-e-d! but after kinda taking a roundabout route amidst horses and baton twirlers, floats, and drumlines, we finally made our way to the key arena.i took this pic along the way, because i'd forgotten to ask *ks* if i could borrow his camera. i had my phone, though. my new, wonderful slinky pinky with all-powerful camera action! woo! so i was playing with it and had the opportunity to prove that yes, i do in fact go out and do stuff. i didn't know it, but we had floor tickets, so we landed ourselves a spot dead center four bodies back. when i say that trent reznor was right there, i mean he was right there. it was pretty incredible...
...until i realized that i was standing in the dead center of the mosh pit. at first it was actually kinda fun. i was getting high on the energy of so many pressing bodies all frantic in the heated worship of angry, industrial rock. i laughed, thinking, "wow, i can kinda say that i've now had hot, sweaty sex with about 300 people. cool." there was that kind of charge to the mob. i flowed with it, leaned with it, ran with it, pressed with it, jumped with it, screamed with it. at one point, neither of my feet were touching the floor and i was being carried along by it.
cool.
but y'know, if you've never been in a mosh pit, all those bodies crushing against you, all that heat, all of them screaming and gyrating and pressing tends to suck all the oxygen out of the air. some of it i'm sure gets burned up by the sheer energy of the crowd. i couldn't breathe. i now do not doubt the power of mobs, or their deadliness. when people say they couldn't get out of it and were carried along by it, they don't mean that figuratively.
between that, and all the skunkweed being smoked in the pit, i almost passed out. but i was with *cr*. he stuck by me...i don't know how. that crowd was wild. but when i turned to him and said, "yeah, 'kay, i'm done," he threw his arm across my chest and pulled me, lifeguard-with-drowning-victim style, through the crowd and out. i was like, "aw, my hero. he fought through a mosh pit for me." a guard saw me staggering, and he escorted us out the rest of the way, put me with the floor guards. it was kinda cool.
afterwards, when we were resting our feet (i took my "comfortable" walking shoes off and was happier barefoot, for which *cr* laughed at me), i saw a guy running around wearing balloon art. it was hilarious. we laughed, mused about it, laughed more, and finally i got up and asked the guy if i could take a picture of his lovely balloon. he was a nice guy.
then we had to split up because we had taken two cars between all of us, and we wanted to meet up at mc menamin's just for some place to sit and enjoy something to drink before heading out. traffic was kinda nuts. it was hilarious, listening to the guys try to figure out which would be best, least confusing, most efficient, and fastest. of course, being that *cr* doesn't know seattle, and i'm directionally-challenged as it is, i said, "well, why don't we all just get a picture of the map instead of you guys trying to memorize it?"
and then there was silence.
crickets chirping. befuddled guys blinking.
"dude, that's a good idea!" and "wow, that's a good idea!" and (my favorite) "why didn't we think of that? that's a really good idea."
me: "what would you do without me?"
and then, because it was there and beautiful, and it was a clear night, i got another shot of the needle.
all in all, it was a really fun night.
7.26.2008
daily deelite
1. one thing i've always loved is night driving. i am so grateful for the peace, warm night breezes, and soothing atmosphere of a good night drive...
2. i'm grateful for a fully tummy and a life of plenty. so many people in the world don't have a fraction of what i have.
3. i'm eternally grateful for dinner nite at the parents'. it's one of my ultimately favoritest things in the whole, wide world. even if it's the most normal evening ever, i will never get tired of just existing in the presence of my parents; feeling safe, loved, and nurtured never goes out of style.
4. i'm grateful for my dad's cooking. he effing rocks in the kitchen, i swear.
5. i know i say this a lot, but it always bears repeating: my capacity for gratitude towards my family, and their love, continually grows. i am so thankful to be surrounded by the family that i have.
2. i'm grateful for a fully tummy and a life of plenty. so many people in the world don't have a fraction of what i have.
3. i'm eternally grateful for dinner nite at the parents'. it's one of my ultimately favoritest things in the whole, wide world. even if it's the most normal evening ever, i will never get tired of just existing in the presence of my parents; feeling safe, loved, and nurtured never goes out of style.
4. i'm grateful for my dad's cooking. he effing rocks in the kitchen, i swear.
5. i know i say this a lot, but it always bears repeating: my capacity for gratitude towards my family, and their love, continually grows. i am so thankful to be surrounded by the family that i have.
the shift
well, i was gonna be saying, "hey, y'all! i'm headed out to a NIN concert in seattle today. see ya on the flip side..."
but then i got this link in the mail by a rockin', brilliant entrepreneur friend of mine and i just had to share.
prepare to be dazzled...
...by something by the collective, for the collective...
...it'll blow your mind.
selah.
but then i got this link in the mail by a rockin', brilliant entrepreneur friend of mine and i just had to share.
prepare to be dazzled...
...by something by the collective, for the collective...
...it'll blow your mind.
selah.
7.25.2008
daily deelite
1. i am SO GRATEFUL for the abundance of the universe!! i placed my very first business partner into my system today, and it was so easy! this is going to be great; i can just feel it.
2. i'm utterly grateful to *ds* and *ks* for being such a solid base of support for me to stand on. without them, this entire journey would have been so much more difficult. i honestly don't know if i'd have had the strength and fortitude to come as far as i have, as fast as i have. but with them here supporting me, cheering me on, and helping me get my head on straight when it skews a bit, i've really surprised myself when i realize just how much potential i was really sitting on.
and dang. it's a lot.
3. i woke up in gratitude for the fabulous sleep i continue to get, and how rested i feel when i wake up. holosync really was the answer to that insomniac struggle i've had for fourteen years. i'm just so grateful insomnia is a part of my past, and that healthy and restful, complete sleep is a part of my present! i think a lot of people out there take sleep for granted. i will always appreciate it!
4. i am grateful for the fabulous weather we're continuing to have. it lifts me up and i can easily imagine the sunshine soaking into my skin and infusing me generously with light, happiness, health, energy, and the love of the universe.
5. i'm just so dang grateful for my life! seriously! i took my own life into my own hands, am starting to live the way i want to live, and every moment is precious. every friendship is golden, my family is my strength, the freedom and flexibility in my new life is fabuliciously amazing, and the new people i'm drawing into my life are just rockin' Funktastic!
if like attracts like, then i'm mind-bogglingly wonderlicious!
woo!
2. i'm utterly grateful to *ds* and *ks* for being such a solid base of support for me to stand on. without them, this entire journey would have been so much more difficult. i honestly don't know if i'd have had the strength and fortitude to come as far as i have, as fast as i have. but with them here supporting me, cheering me on, and helping me get my head on straight when it skews a bit, i've really surprised myself when i realize just how much potential i was really sitting on.
and dang. it's a lot.
3. i woke up in gratitude for the fabulous sleep i continue to get, and how rested i feel when i wake up. holosync really was the answer to that insomniac struggle i've had for fourteen years. i'm just so grateful insomnia is a part of my past, and that healthy and restful, complete sleep is a part of my present! i think a lot of people out there take sleep for granted. i will always appreciate it!
4. i am grateful for the fabulous weather we're continuing to have. it lifts me up and i can easily imagine the sunshine soaking into my skin and infusing me generously with light, happiness, health, energy, and the love of the universe.
5. i'm just so dang grateful for my life! seriously! i took my own life into my own hands, am starting to live the way i want to live, and every moment is precious. every friendship is golden, my family is my strength, the freedom and flexibility in my new life is fabuliciously amazing, and the new people i'm drawing into my life are just rockin' Funktastic!
if like attracts like, then i'm mind-bogglingly wonderlicious!
woo!
7.24.2008
what delena's been up to
there's been a revolution taking place here at iGoddess, and i know there've been a few of you scratching your heads wondering just where it's come from, what i've been doing, and what i've been on.
to quote that totally cheesy cliché, i'm just high on life, baby! =)
but honestly, there's been a lot going on this last month. a lot. and i've been up to my eyeballs devoting so much of myself to these new changes, challenges, and commitments. i think the results have been more than obvious here, and the inner transformations that have been taking place.
everyone knows that iGoddess, in many of its incarnations, has been devoted to real personal growth. not to harp on the past, but i had a very challenging childhood and adolescence. there were a lot of obstacles and traumas that had stacked life unfavorably for me, and i've dedicated my life to overcoming all of that and being the person i've always wanted to be.
well, now i've made it a business.
my business...
...that i work from home...
...and i quit the grooming job to do it.
that's how much i believe in what i'm doing now. on the 16th, i went in to work and gave my notice. this is my vacation right now, but after a few weeks of part time that's gonna be it. i'm done there. instead of worrying or gritting my teeth about that great-job-turned-toxic-relationship and riding it out until it devours me from the inside out as the old me would have done, i just put it down and walked away. i put it down, walked away, and devoted myself to building something i believe in so strongly i've walked away from a dependable paycheck.
me. me! i mean, sheesh. remember when i couldn't let go of a petty insult, let alone letting go of a career that once made me so proud? and i just let it go.
and i've been so high on this empowerment, just riding the thermals i've discovered in the realm of belief in myself and in the universe. i think i've conveyed a little of that in my posts the last few weeks.
i made the decision to truly live my life as Delena of the Funkywild. i made the choice to truly be a Revolutionary Freedom Fighter for Beauty, Truth, and Finding the Funk. i made the commitment to myself to Be a successful leader, Do the things a successful leader would do, and Have the things a successful leader would have. it may seem cheesy to a pop nihilist, but i really do watch that movie i made every day when i wake up, before i go to bed, and several times in between; i meant what i said about coming into alignment with myself and i practice it; i wrote affirmations on post-its and have them all over my bathroom mirrors, and i do read them aloud whenever i'm in there (which is great when i'm putting on make-up!); i recite "the optimist's creed" by christian d. larson every day; i listen to holosync every night before going to bed; i work my own personal development product --workbook and journaling-- every day; i start every day with a business conference call that lifts me up, gets my head on straight, and is better than a cup of morning coffee.
in fact, it's replaced my morning caffeine. and i make that phone call without getting out of bed unless i feel like it!
yes, it sounds like a lot, but most of these only take a few minutes out of my day. and considering how crazy and busy things can get in life, i can't afford not to take the time to get myself in the right frame of mind. and it's only attracted so much positivity and abundance into my life, and has truly opened doors of opportunity for me. i've left everything behind that didn't serve me and propel me further in my mission to better myself, help others, and manifest every good thing i could ever dream of having in my life.
if it doesn't lift me up, it simply isn't in my life anymore. in fact, anything that drags you down --from people to jobs to your own thoughts-- is pretty dang useless if you ask me.
this included the grooming job, so i dropped it.
welcome to the Freedom Revolution, baby.
to quote that totally cheesy cliché, i'm just high on life, baby! =)
but honestly, there's been a lot going on this last month. a lot. and i've been up to my eyeballs devoting so much of myself to these new changes, challenges, and commitments. i think the results have been more than obvious here, and the inner transformations that have been taking place.
everyone knows that iGoddess, in many of its incarnations, has been devoted to real personal growth. not to harp on the past, but i had a very challenging childhood and adolescence. there were a lot of obstacles and traumas that had stacked life unfavorably for me, and i've dedicated my life to overcoming all of that and being the person i've always wanted to be.
well, now i've made it a business.
my business...
...that i work from home...
...and i quit the grooming job to do it.
that's how much i believe in what i'm doing now. on the 16th, i went in to work and gave my notice. this is my vacation right now, but after a few weeks of part time that's gonna be it. i'm done there. instead of worrying or gritting my teeth about that great-job-turned-toxic-relationship and riding it out until it devours me from the inside out as the old me would have done, i just put it down and walked away. i put it down, walked away, and devoted myself to building something i believe in so strongly i've walked away from a dependable paycheck.
me. me! i mean, sheesh. remember when i couldn't let go of a petty insult, let alone letting go of a career that once made me so proud? and i just let it go.
and i've been so high on this empowerment, just riding the thermals i've discovered in the realm of belief in myself and in the universe. i think i've conveyed a little of that in my posts the last few weeks.
i made the decision to truly live my life as Delena of the Funkywild. i made the choice to truly be a Revolutionary Freedom Fighter for Beauty, Truth, and Finding the Funk. i made the commitment to myself to Be a successful leader, Do the things a successful leader would do, and Have the things a successful leader would have. it may seem cheesy to a pop nihilist, but i really do watch that movie i made every day when i wake up, before i go to bed, and several times in between; i meant what i said about coming into alignment with myself and i practice it; i wrote affirmations on post-its and have them all over my bathroom mirrors, and i do read them aloud whenever i'm in there (which is great when i'm putting on make-up!); i recite "the optimist's creed" by christian d. larson every day; i listen to holosync every night before going to bed; i work my own personal development product --workbook and journaling-- every day; i start every day with a business conference call that lifts me up, gets my head on straight, and is better than a cup of morning coffee.
in fact, it's replaced my morning caffeine. and i make that phone call without getting out of bed unless i feel like it!
yes, it sounds like a lot, but most of these only take a few minutes out of my day. and considering how crazy and busy things can get in life, i can't afford not to take the time to get myself in the right frame of mind. and it's only attracted so much positivity and abundance into my life, and has truly opened doors of opportunity for me. i've left everything behind that didn't serve me and propel me further in my mission to better myself, help others, and manifest every good thing i could ever dream of having in my life.
if it doesn't lift me up, it simply isn't in my life anymore. in fact, anything that drags you down --from people to jobs to your own thoughts-- is pretty dang useless if you ask me.
this included the grooming job, so i dropped it.
welcome to the Freedom Revolution, baby.
daily deelite
i woke up today and it was incredible. there've been such phenominal changes in my mind and heart, that i think today the concept of "waking up in gratitude" really, finally, began to solidify for me.
1. i am filled with gratitude for the absolutely gorgeous day it is outside. i can't wait to step through my front door and into this beautiful sunshine, blue sky, brilliantly green trees of every shade imaginable, fresh oregon air, and possibilities.
2. i am grateful for our kitties. my boy loves me so much, and looks at me with the expectation of love and affection...and that's all he wants. he asks me to spend time with him, and sometimes he'll even say, "mom, can we have time just the two of us?" and he'll look at my bedroom door, trill, and rub up against my leg, twine around my ankles. so i'll let him in, close the door, and we'll curl up on my bed. he'll stretch out, purring as loud as he possibly can, and i'll just scratch under his chin and rub his ears, pet him, talk softly to him and tell him how much i love him and what a pretty kitty he is. then, when he's really happy, he'll take a bath and flop next to me and fall asleep purring. sometimes i'll fall asleep, too, and we just enjoy that time together. we do that again at bedtime sometimes. at least, as long as my bedtime doesn't coincide with "kitty daytona" and all he wants to do is play the perpetual game of chase with his brother and little sister.
3. i am so grateful for this new life i'm building. i've been thinking of richard and willow a lot lately, and all they used to tell me. yes, they were on the right track in a lot of ways, and what they were telling me finally makes sense. but i also see where they werewrong misguided, and went about things in a very ineffective fashion. i can also see how nothing they would've said or done could have helped because i wasn't in the place to understand at the time. their condemnation and blame wasn't what i needed, but i can understand how they could be so scornful simply because my intelligence made it seem as if i couldn't possibly not get it. but there's just no way to get a blind person to see with their eyes, no matter how brilliant they are; and that's what they were trying to do.
but now, not only do i see clearly, but i've exceeded their lessons by entire planes of thought. and all i am filled with is compassion for them, because now i can see how they were trapped in their own quagmires of ineffective and self-limiting mentalities as well. after all, they're only human.
4. but i am grateful for what they did for me.
5. i am grateful for love, in all its forms. if i am a revolutionary freedom fighter for truth, beauty, freedom, and love --the only things that truly exist and all else is illusion-- then "the greatest of these is Love."
1. i am filled with gratitude for the absolutely gorgeous day it is outside. i can't wait to step through my front door and into this beautiful sunshine, blue sky, brilliantly green trees of every shade imaginable, fresh oregon air, and possibilities.
2. i am grateful for our kitties. my boy loves me so much, and looks at me with the expectation of love and affection...and that's all he wants. he asks me to spend time with him, and sometimes he'll even say, "mom, can we have time just the two of us?" and he'll look at my bedroom door, trill, and rub up against my leg, twine around my ankles. so i'll let him in, close the door, and we'll curl up on my bed. he'll stretch out, purring as loud as he possibly can, and i'll just scratch under his chin and rub his ears, pet him, talk softly to him and tell him how much i love him and what a pretty kitty he is. then, when he's really happy, he'll take a bath and flop next to me and fall asleep purring. sometimes i'll fall asleep, too, and we just enjoy that time together. we do that again at bedtime sometimes. at least, as long as my bedtime doesn't coincide with "kitty daytona" and all he wants to do is play the perpetual game of chase with his brother and little sister.
3. i am so grateful for this new life i'm building. i've been thinking of richard and willow a lot lately, and all they used to tell me. yes, they were on the right track in a lot of ways, and what they were telling me finally makes sense. but i also see where they were
but now, not only do i see clearly, but i've exceeded their lessons by entire planes of thought. and all i am filled with is compassion for them, because now i can see how they were trapped in their own quagmires of ineffective and self-limiting mentalities as well. after all, they're only human.
4. but i am grateful for what they did for me.
5. i am grateful for love, in all its forms. if i am a revolutionary freedom fighter for truth, beauty, freedom, and love --the only things that truly exist and all else is illusion-- then "the greatest of these is Love."
7.23.2008
brezsny-on-the-blog
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): I predict you will have 32 dreams as you sleep in the coming week. In at least five of those adventures, you will be offered a chance to wield a magic hammer like the one that belonged to the Norse god Thor. You're under no obligation to use it, of course. But if you do, it could help you smite dream adversaries, from stupid giants to evil ducks to rash-covered devils. You could also take advantage of it to build things, like a dream house or a dream boat. The proper use of the hammer will be a constant test, since you'll have to be ever-alert and adaptable as you decide whether to employ it for destruction or creation.
well, you're right on the dreaming part, mr. brezsny. i've been dreaming intensely lately, and i attribute part of it to all of this Undiscovered Country i've been traversing lately.
however, as has been said before...
But nothing could prepare her for the new cast of characters she would soon encounter: the Reincarnated Totem Horde, the One with the Tie-Dyed Decoder Ring, the Jiggy Dreaming-Magic Guru, the Thunder Walkers... Suddenly she finds herself in a world where what was real isn't, what was dreams is solid, and the only place that's real is the space in-between.
perhaps it is no coincidence that thor just so happens to be the god of thunder, nor that he was also worshipped mainly by farmers. farmers build, provide, and nourish. thunder is the realm of the mighty.
i find myself among Thunder Walkers, being counted as one among them, honored and assisted and extended the standards expected of all Thunder Walkers. i am spoken to as a capable and enlightened equal, honored as a leader, encouraged and assisted as a full member of a group that sees itself as a very large community of equals and --i daresay-- family.
i am a Thunder Walker, wielding in my dreams the mighty Mjolnir. and i shall use it to build great things: i shall build success, relationships, the torque that marks a Thunder Walker. i shall use it to knock down the support beams of such things as stand in my way; things such as Fear, Insecurity, Doubt, Past Turmoil. i will knock down the foundations of the edifice that represents all that held me back, and light shall illumine all. it will brighten the path before me, and provide for me a new way to look at the universe.
i shall build, and nourish, and provide, in the land of the mighty.
well, you're right on the dreaming part, mr. brezsny. i've been dreaming intensely lately, and i attribute part of it to all of this Undiscovered Country i've been traversing lately.
however, as has been said before...
But nothing could prepare her for the new cast of characters she would soon encounter: the Reincarnated Totem Horde, the One with the Tie-Dyed Decoder Ring, the Jiggy Dreaming-Magic Guru, the Thunder Walkers... Suddenly she finds herself in a world where what was real isn't, what was dreams is solid, and the only place that's real is the space in-between.
perhaps it is no coincidence that thor just so happens to be the god of thunder, nor that he was also worshipped mainly by farmers. farmers build, provide, and nourish. thunder is the realm of the mighty.
i find myself among Thunder Walkers, being counted as one among them, honored and assisted and extended the standards expected of all Thunder Walkers. i am spoken to as a capable and enlightened equal, honored as a leader, encouraged and assisted as a full member of a group that sees itself as a very large community of equals and --i daresay-- family.
i am a Thunder Walker, wielding in my dreams the mighty Mjolnir. and i shall use it to build great things: i shall build success, relationships, the torque that marks a Thunder Walker. i shall use it to knock down the support beams of such things as stand in my way; things such as Fear, Insecurity, Doubt, Past Turmoil. i will knock down the foundations of the edifice that represents all that held me back, and light shall illumine all. it will brighten the path before me, and provide for me a new way to look at the universe.
i shall build, and nourish, and provide, in the land of the mighty.
7.21.2008
rainbow dreams: the movie
lovlies over at sacred suzi's have been making their dream boards for the full moon. i made one last month and it was a blast. i actually have it saved as my wallpaper on my computer.
but i wanted to do something a little more fun this time around. something that would jazz me up a bit more, get my blood racing and my Funk revving.
i bring to you...
...rainbow dreams: the MOVIE!
i am grateful to all the abundance in my life that made this movie possible...
but i wanted to do something a little more fun this time around. something that would jazz me up a bit more, get my blood racing and my Funk revving.
i bring to you...
...rainbow dreams: the MOVIE!
i am grateful to all the abundance in my life that made this movie possible...
7.20.2008
woot!
Happy 300th Post, iGoddess!
actually, this is post #302, but two posts ago, iGoddess broke three hundred, baby, woo! and what was the post? this so rocks...the post was one of GRATITUDE!!!
how funkalicious is that? yay, me! we've come a long way, baby. i was tempted, for a whopping two seconds, to post snippets of where i was this time last year, and perhaps a few years ago. then i thought, "why? Delena of the Funkwild is not that person anymore!" i'm sitting here enjoying purely vegitarian dhaal and limewater while sitting and bs'ing with my lovely, rockin' siblings, just got out of a wickedly delicious shower after a fantasmic day at work...
...and i'm looking forward to a week-long vacation, baby, woo!
and after that? i'm going to part-time: saturdays and sundays only, while supplies last.
life effing rocks, i swear. and so, to celebrate all of this Funktastic, wonderlicious stuff, i present to you a bit of humor with a sweet surprise (aka "a lesson") packed away inside. kinda like a kinderegg, only for your eyes...
actually, this is post #302, but two posts ago, iGoddess broke three hundred, baby, woo! and what was the post? this so rocks...the post was one of GRATITUDE!!!
how funkalicious is that? yay, me! we've come a long way, baby. i was tempted, for a whopping two seconds, to post snippets of where i was this time last year, and perhaps a few years ago. then i thought, "why? Delena of the Funkwild is not that person anymore!" i'm sitting here enjoying purely vegitarian dhaal and limewater while sitting and bs'ing with my lovely, rockin' siblings, just got out of a wickedly delicious shower after a fantasmic day at work...
...and i'm looking forward to a week-long vacation, baby, woo!
and after that? i'm going to part-time: saturdays and sundays only, while supplies last.
life effing rocks, i swear. and so, to celebrate all of this Funktastic, wonderlicious stuff, i present to you a bit of humor with a sweet surprise (aka "a lesson") packed away inside. kinda like a kinderegg, only for your eyes...
7.19.2008
daily deelite
1. THANK YOU for lovely days filled with laughter, really politically-incorrect jokes, and tons of understanding
2. i am amazingly grateful for peanut butter and strawberry preserves sammiches...
3. i am utterly and thoroughly grateful for this freaking awesome summer weather!!!
4. i am thankful for my Funkmobile, who really needs an oil change
5. and, as always, i close my eyes and utter thanks for extremely understanding co-workers and greater opportunities
2. i am amazingly grateful for peanut butter and strawberry preserves sammiches...
3. i am utterly and thoroughly grateful for this freaking awesome summer weather!!!
4. i am thankful for my Funkmobile, who really needs an oil change
5. and, as always, i close my eyes and utter thanks for extremely understanding co-workers and greater opportunities
7.18.2008
daily deelite
1. thank you, Jiggy Snake, for reminding me that no matter how far i think i've come, i have the vast opportunity of infinity to explore
2. i am grateful for love, in all her forms
3. i am so effing grateful for my sheree; my pussygata; my sexy, mean strap-on queen; my pookie-bear luv of my life
4. i'm thankful for the fun we have with the Haiku Challenge, that there's someone in my life here in the portland metro that appreciates and can match that intelligent creativity
5. i'm so grateful, every day, for each and every opportunity to be amazed by existence...
2. i am grateful for love, in all her forms
3. i am so effing grateful for my sheree; my pussygata; my sexy, mean strap-on queen; my pookie-bear luv of my life
4. i'm thankful for the fun we have with the Haiku Challenge, that there's someone in my life here in the portland metro that appreciates and can match that intelligent creativity
5. i'm so grateful, every day, for each and every opportunity to be amazed by existence...
7.17.2008
brezsny-on-the-blog
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Here's my first question: Are you willing to change yourself in ways that would allow you to get more of the love you long for? Here's my second question: If you are willing to change yourself, are you capable of actually carrying out those changes, thereby creating a permanent shift in your identity? If your answer to those two questions is yes, the coming weeks will be prime time to get to work. Now here's my third question: In what precise ways would you have to change yourself in order to get more of the love you long for? Write down or print out your thoughts on a piece of red paper.
well, this isn't red paper, but we'll pretend it is...
Q. am i willing to change myself in ways that would allow me to get more of the love i long for?
A. i already have.
Q. am i capable of actually carrying out those changes, thereby creating a permanent shift in my identity?
A. um, i already have. in fact, it's been so dramatic and noticeable that i've already had a few people asking me what the hell i'm on. =)
Q. in what precise ways would i have to change myself in order to get more of the love i long for?
A. well, i've changed myself in that i've taken down the fortress around my heart, circled in fences and barbed wire. (yes, i'm quoting Sting...). i've laid my heart as open as the sky, ready to receive the multitudinous blessings the universe is conspiring to shower upon me, conceiving in my mind what i want and believing that i can achieve it.
it's that belief that makes all the difference. napoleon hill said, "whatever the mind of man can conceive and believe, he can achieve."
just imagine what the mind of woman can conceive, believe, and achieve! (haha, just kidding)
(not really)
(...'kay, maybe a little)
but yes. the belief has made all the difference. i've been asked what i'm on, that this remarkable transformation has taken place? two things:
it was recommended to me that i just start, every day, to think of five things for which i'm grateful. and i did. i started immediately, and it was "daily deelite." it's made a huge difference, just as big as keeping my eyes and heart on my family during and after my Darkest Hour. setting aside the time every day to find five things that filled me with utter gratitude began to train me to see gratitude everywhere; to see many somethings for which my heart just filled to the brim with thankfulness. and with gratitude came joy.
with joy, wonder.
with wonder, humility.
with humility, grace.
with grace, the universe opened up to me.
second, belief has made the difference. i spoke earlier about coming into alignment with my soul and subconscious. i'm not just talking about spouting what i want, and then when i don't get it and life still blows up in my face, griping about it and saying how i knew it wouldn't work anyway. i'm talking about getting down into my psyche, knocking on the doors of my subconscious (after clearing a path through the junk), and befriending the creatures i find there.
and by "creatures," i don't necessarily mean monster-like or creepy. just...Other. perhaps fae-like, perhaps unsidhe (pronounced oon-shee) or unseelie. just creatures Other than human with their own powers, gifts, and abilities that are not only extremely useful, but powerful. befriending them, they went to work for me.
filled with the power of gratitude as i was, trained to see the abundance of the multiverse, i began to recognize my own power. for, you see, i am the universe made manifest. the energy that makes up the universe --the Force that is Everywhere, Everywhen, and Everything-- is thus myself, for i am Of the universe. and this Energy is at one with itself, and at peace with itself, and filled with bliss. this Energy is Aware.
it is the Divine Funk, blissed-out on its own orgasmic yayness.
it is everywhere, so it has nowhere to go or be, nothing pressing urgent to do, so it has no stress. it is everywhen, so it is unconcerned with what might be, or what has been, and therefore has no regret or dread. all outcomes are already there, inside it, so it is at peace. and it is everything, so it has no threats to its safety, the way your own arm, or your hair, wouldn't pose a threat to you.
and i, being a child of the universe, am part of the Everything that is this Energy. i AM this Energy! it is my divine right to be what i am: happy, healthy, peaceful, and living in abundance.
energy is everything, and everything is energy. and thought-energy is the purest, most powerful form of energy there is. if energy is neither gained nor lost, only converted, then when i eat food, that is energy. my body, a finely tuned energetic-combustion machine, converts that fuel into energy for my body to use. and thoughts are part of that energy.
so when i think, where does that energy go?
...back out into the universe...
and the Jiggy Snake hears and answers.
so if i'm thinking negative thoughts, those thoughts have a negative frequency that affects the other energy-forms around me...from my kitties to my siblings, to the trees and concrete and the very air around me. just like fish can feel the subtlest changes in currents in the water around them through their highly sensitive scales, think of energy like the water and everything "solid" is a fish.
the energy we transmit is tangible to the other energy-forms around us. all we are, after all, is energy condensed to a slow vibration. we are energy interacting with energy.
if our thoughts are positive, then like in monsters inc. when they discovered that laughter was ten times more powerful than scream, so are our positive thoughts vastly more powerful than anything else we could possibly transmit.
my belief, my gratitude, my joy, and my grace are felt by everything everywhere and everywhen. every morning i create my day in my own image. and when it says that God created humankind in "His" own image, i don't believe they were talking about how God looks humanoid, or that humans were to be the "supreme" life form upon this planet. i think, instead, God meant that in God's Own Image meant that we, like God, are made of the exact same energy and are, in essence, One. i think God created us so that we could reflect Gods own image of grace, joy, abundance, and peace.
THAT is Gods Own Image...
so i create my day in my own image, and bad days just don't exist for me anymore. i have exactly what i want and need, exactly when i want and need it. there's no more stress at the salon anymore, and i am always smiling. every day is a good day. my customers tip me generously. people receive me well and laugh at my jokes. men hold doors open for me left and right. i remember things quickly and easily. i can do anything i set my mind to.
i am loved.
and because my life is filled with love, and because i believe i am worthy of love, it sets me free to love others. and i do. i love you more than i love you. that saying now makes complete sense to me; it means that i am filled with so much love for you that, by the time i've gotten the words "i love you" out of my mouth, i already love you even more. and it only grows.
if you're reading this right now, i love you. and i mean it. i am completely in love with you, because i am completely in love with myself and we are all of the same energy. how can i love me without also loving you? we are connected, you and i. i could name everyone i know here, and tell them i love them. i could even make an attempt to name everyone i don't know, and tell them i love them. but instead, tonight i will instead utilize the power that is within me, uplinked to the PNN (aka "the collective unconscious") via my subconscious mind, and transmit to you the love that i feel for you. and you will feel it.
because i believe you will.
i love you more than i love you.
selah
well, this isn't red paper, but we'll pretend it is...
Q. am i willing to change myself in ways that would allow me to get more of the love i long for?
A. i already have.
Q. am i capable of actually carrying out those changes, thereby creating a permanent shift in my identity?
A. um, i already have. in fact, it's been so dramatic and noticeable that i've already had a few people asking me what the hell i'm on. =)
Q. in what precise ways would i have to change myself in order to get more of the love i long for?
A. well, i've changed myself in that i've taken down the fortress around my heart, circled in fences and barbed wire. (yes, i'm quoting Sting...). i've laid my heart as open as the sky, ready to receive the multitudinous blessings the universe is conspiring to shower upon me, conceiving in my mind what i want and believing that i can achieve it.
it's that belief that makes all the difference. napoleon hill said, "whatever the mind of man can conceive and believe, he can achieve."just imagine what the mind of woman can conceive, believe, and achieve! (haha, just kidding)
(not really)
(...'kay, maybe a little)
but yes. the belief has made all the difference. i've been asked what i'm on, that this remarkable transformation has taken place? two things:
it was recommended to me that i just start, every day, to think of five things for which i'm grateful. and i did. i started immediately, and it was "daily deelite." it's made a huge difference, just as big as keeping my eyes and heart on my family during and after my Darkest Hour. setting aside the time every day to find five things that filled me with utter gratitude began to train me to see gratitude everywhere; to see many somethings for which my heart just filled to the brim with thankfulness. and with gratitude came joy.
with joy, wonder.
with wonder, humility.
with humility, grace.
with grace, the universe opened up to me.
second, belief has made the difference. i spoke earlier about coming into alignment with my soul and subconscious. i'm not just talking about spouting what i want, and then when i don't get it and life still blows up in my face, griping about it and saying how i knew it wouldn't work anyway. i'm talking about getting down into my psyche, knocking on the doors of my subconscious (after clearing a path through the junk), and befriending the creatures i find there.
and by "creatures," i don't necessarily mean monster-like or creepy. just...Other. perhaps fae-like, perhaps unsidhe (pronounced oon-shee) or unseelie. just creatures Other than human with their own powers, gifts, and abilities that are not only extremely useful, but powerful. befriending them, they went to work for me.
filled with the power of gratitude as i was, trained to see the abundance of the multiverse, i began to recognize my own power. for, you see, i am the universe made manifest. the energy that makes up the universe --the Force that is Everywhere, Everywhen, and Everything-- is thus myself, for i am Of the universe. and this Energy is at one with itself, and at peace with itself, and filled with bliss. this Energy is Aware.
it is the Divine Funk, blissed-out on its own orgasmic yayness.
it is everywhere, so it has nowhere to go or be, nothing pressing urgent to do, so it has no stress. it is everywhen, so it is unconcerned with what might be, or what has been, and therefore has no regret or dread. all outcomes are already there, inside it, so it is at peace. and it is everything, so it has no threats to its safety, the way your own arm, or your hair, wouldn't pose a threat to you.
and i, being a child of the universe, am part of the Everything that is this Energy. i AM this Energy! it is my divine right to be what i am: happy, healthy, peaceful, and living in abundance.
energy is everything, and everything is energy. and thought-energy is the purest, most powerful form of energy there is. if energy is neither gained nor lost, only converted, then when i eat food, that is energy. my body, a finely tuned energetic-combustion machine, converts that fuel into energy for my body to use. and thoughts are part of that energy.
so when i think, where does that energy go?
...back out into the universe...
and the Jiggy Snake hears and answers.
so if i'm thinking negative thoughts, those thoughts have a negative frequency that affects the other energy-forms around me...from my kitties to my siblings, to the trees and concrete and the very air around me. just like fish can feel the subtlest changes in currents in the water around them through their highly sensitive scales, think of energy like the water and everything "solid" is a fish.
the energy we transmit is tangible to the other energy-forms around us. all we are, after all, is energy condensed to a slow vibration. we are energy interacting with energy.
if our thoughts are positive, then like in monsters inc. when they discovered that laughter was ten times more powerful than scream, so are our positive thoughts vastly more powerful than anything else we could possibly transmit.
my belief, my gratitude, my joy, and my grace are felt by everything everywhere and everywhen. every morning i create my day in my own image. and when it says that God created humankind in "His" own image, i don't believe they were talking about how God looks humanoid, or that humans were to be the "supreme" life form upon this planet. i think, instead, God meant that in God's Own Image meant that we, like God, are made of the exact same energy and are, in essence, One. i think God created us so that we could reflect Gods own image of grace, joy, abundance, and peace.
THAT is Gods Own Image...
so i create my day in my own image, and bad days just don't exist for me anymore. i have exactly what i want and need, exactly when i want and need it. there's no more stress at the salon anymore, and i am always smiling. every day is a good day. my customers tip me generously. people receive me well and laugh at my jokes. men hold doors open for me left and right. i remember things quickly and easily. i can do anything i set my mind to.
i am loved.
and because my life is filled with love, and because i believe i am worthy of love, it sets me free to love others. and i do. i love you more than i love you. that saying now makes complete sense to me; it means that i am filled with so much love for you that, by the time i've gotten the words "i love you" out of my mouth, i already love you even more. and it only grows.
if you're reading this right now, i love you. and i mean it. i am completely in love with you, because i am completely in love with myself and we are all of the same energy. how can i love me without also loving you? we are connected, you and i. i could name everyone i know here, and tell them i love them. i could even make an attempt to name everyone i don't know, and tell them i love them. but instead, tonight i will instead utilize the power that is within me, uplinked to the PNN (aka "the collective unconscious") via my subconscious mind, and transmit to you the love that i feel for you. and you will feel it.
because i believe you will.
i love you more than i love you.
selah
7.16.2008
daily deelite
if the picture wasn't a dead giveaway...1. i am eternally grateful for my family. eternally. at my Darkest Hour, when i finally realized Something needed to change, in my mind i was surrounded in 360 degrees by negativity and my Inner Demon Horde. i knew i needed to focus on something positive, and i knew that not everything in my life could be black and negative. i realized my family couldn't be called negative, therefore it had to be positive. and so i clung to my family as to a lifeline, and at the time they were. i kept them as my point of reference, my focus as i let so much just fall away. and focusing on their love and support lifted me up. thank the Divine Wow for my family...
2. i'm absolutely grateful for their support. i know i am a worthwhile person, deserving of love and every good thing because being surrounded by them, by their support and love and faith in me, i know i am worth everything. they're fantastic people and i think the world of them. and if i think so highly of them, i know them for people who wouldn't waste their time on trash. if you are who you hang out with, then i'm among some very fine company!
3. i'm thankful for their continued faith in my abilities. they have so much faith in me, and have such high expectations...but it's not a negative thing. they know what i'm capable of, and after being told, "you can do anything, sweetie," i begin to believe it. and believing it, i do it. and in doing it, i know there's no challenge i will not meet and succeed.
4. i'm grateful for their love. lessons in unconditional love, examples of what real love does, means, and says to others. they showed me the transformative and transcending power of love. without love, i would never have risen above my limitations to become the phenominal Delena of the Funkywild that i am.
5. i know how lucky i am to have the family i do, and i am eternally grateful for my good fortune. i have four parents --two mothers, two fathers-- and nine brothers and sisters. nine! and they're all alive and in fantastic health, and life is only getting better.
life is only getting better.
7.15.2008
daily deelite
there's so much awesomeness today!!! daily deelites is dedicated to my fone. (this one's for you, *ks*...)
1. i love my phone! i'm so happy that someone had the lovely idea to make such a wonderful piece of equipment, and then to make it pink!!! not only is it an mp3 player (with an option for a 50 meg memory card!!!), but it's also a camera (my last one wasn't and i felt left out, lol), has a wonderful speaker (speakerfone on my other one was kinda buzzy), and it just has all these little teenie, insignificant perks and qualities to it that just make me love it soooo much!
2. i love how streamlined it is, how thin and cute and small. it's slightly wider than my old phone, but it's sleek.
3. i love the ringers and other sound features it has! my old ringer was "head, shoulders, knees, and toes" because it's, like, sooo me, y'know? it just fit. but this ringer is also me. it's kinda club, but also with a hint of disco to it. i get the urge to dance whenever my phone rings!
4. the volume settings on my phone make me grateful every single day for this little slinky pinky. everyone knows i'm the world's lightest sleeper, so the quietest sounds wake me up. even the sound of kitty paws on the carpet are enough to jolt me out of sleep. going through the sound bytes on my phone, i found the gentlest alarm i could, and on the lowest setting, it's just enough to wake me up without scaring the crap outta me, and making me start every day with adrenaline-jolting, heart-stopping action. instead, i wake with a smile.
5. the screen saver makes me happy, too. in keeping with my new habit to visualize my dreams to help them manifest in my life, my screen saver has a pic of a guy sitting on a lopsided palm tree in the tropics. it's an awesome picture, and every time i see it i think, "that's me, 'cept for the being a guy part. that's me in fiji/tahiti/the bahamas. behind the camera is my house, and that beach right there? that's my back yard..." my phone constantly reminds me exactly what it is i'm working toward.
oh, my phone! i love my phone! it's so cute and pink and treats me so well... <-- ode to my phone.
72 hrs in reflection
so the last few days have been a whirlwind. in one sense, i'm amazed that i survived this last week. but really, the last three days have been jam-packed full of fun and work and it's been very rewarding--
--yes, i said "work" and "rewarding" in the same sentence.
there's been a lot of information coming at me recently. in conversation and personal emails, i've been using words like "hyperdrive," and "jumped to a higher energy level," and even "overwhelming flood." just absolutely bombarded by info, only instead of being overwhelmed and stressed out, it's like something inside me just stretched open wide and i've been able to not only handle it all, but also able to process it as it's come at me. instead of being intimidated by it and trying to stem that flood, i've discovered a way to use the energy of that flood to power my own ability to keep up with it.
i don't know how to explain it, but the power of that flood is the power i'm using to handle the flood. does that make any sense? i suppose it would be like a dam using some of the energy of the flowing water to power the dam itself. it's an upward spiral, and it's been sending me into "the zone," so to speak.
the more i know i can handle --> the more confident i feel --> the better i do --> the more efficient i become --> the more i know i can handle.
it's friggin' amazing.
i started this massive project a month ago and it's propelled me into the stratosphere compared to where i used to be. but even as i've exploded into this higher energy level comparitively, i'm learning that it's merely the shallow end of an entirely new and higher caliber.
on one hand i don't want to use certain adjectives or verbs to describe how this feels because i don't want to sound conceited or narcissistic, but on the other hand i can see why those words exist and why they work so well to describe this feeling. my abilities are heads and shoulders above what they used to be, above my peer group, and i feel like i'm growing out of that level where we were all so happy together. i can't really relate to them anymore, and their world is no longer mine.
my caliber has changed drastically and a whole new world has opened up to me. unlike my previous impression, i'm not close to topping out. if anything, i just blew the top off my limitations and the sky's the limit! yeah, i know that phrase has been so overused it's cliche now, but it's only cliche if you're so desensitized by doubt and cynicism. for me, it's absolutely true. i can see so clearly how there are no limits to what i can do now.
the top just blew off my limits, and now instead of seeing that ceiling when i look up, i see the clear blue sky. the sky is my limit now. and when i reach the sky, i'm going to find there's no limit on that, either. i expect when i reach those heights, i'll find myself suiting up and taking my own personal rocket ship into the stars.
infinity is my limit! the great, wide universe of possibilities, and my true limit is only the boundaries of my imagination. and the higher i go, the more i can see. those new vistas fuel my imagination. again, the power of these possibilities is fueling my ability and imagination. and the more i can see in my mind's eye and my heart, the further i know i can go.
those limits were only limits because i believed they were limiting. and i'm not talking about consciously believing. i'm talking about that soul-deep, gut-deep belief that only speaks in the very back of my brain, that voice that whispers from the depths of my subconscious. you can say, "i want it, i know i want it, and i said i want it" until you're blue in the face. but if you are saying it with your voice but your soul is saying the exact opposite, which one do you think has the most emotion attached to it?
everyone knows you can parrot any bull you want to. what your gut says, however, is what the universe is going to listen to. what your subconscious believes is what the universe is going to work hand-in-hand to create your limitations. and it'll look entirely and convincingly like outside forces over which you have no control are conspiring to keep you down. but the power of the subconscious is magical. it's almost like a latent personality that emerges when you're not looking, and that other you is working to keep you limited because that's what you believe and focus on. subconsciously, of course.
but the subconscious is my closest friend and most trusted advisor. and when i said i came into alignment with myself, that's what i meant. i learned how to work with my subconscious, with my soul-beliefs so that we were all in agreement. i stopped getting in my own way. (and i took responsibility for having gotten in my own way and being the agent of my own destruction.)
and now the sky is my limit.
--yes, i said "work" and "rewarding" in the same sentence.
there's been a lot of information coming at me recently. in conversation and personal emails, i've been using words like "hyperdrive," and "jumped to a higher energy level," and even "overwhelming flood." just absolutely bombarded by info, only instead of being overwhelmed and stressed out, it's like something inside me just stretched open wide and i've been able to not only handle it all, but also able to process it as it's come at me. instead of being intimidated by it and trying to stem that flood, i've discovered a way to use the energy of that flood to power my own ability to keep up with it.
i don't know how to explain it, but the power of that flood is the power i'm using to handle the flood. does that make any sense? i suppose it would be like a dam using some of the energy of the flowing water to power the dam itself. it's an upward spiral, and it's been sending me into "the zone," so to speak.
the more i know i can handle --> the more confident i feel --> the better i do --> the more efficient i become --> the more i know i can handle.
it's friggin' amazing.
i started this massive project a month ago and it's propelled me into the stratosphere compared to where i used to be. but even as i've exploded into this higher energy level comparitively, i'm learning that it's merely the shallow end of an entirely new and higher caliber.
on one hand i don't want to use certain adjectives or verbs to describe how this feels because i don't want to sound conceited or narcissistic, but on the other hand i can see why those words exist and why they work so well to describe this feeling. my abilities are heads and shoulders above what they used to be, above my peer group, and i feel like i'm growing out of that level where we were all so happy together. i can't really relate to them anymore, and their world is no longer mine.
my caliber has changed drastically and a whole new world has opened up to me. unlike my previous impression, i'm not close to topping out. if anything, i just blew the top off my limitations and the sky's the limit! yeah, i know that phrase has been so overused it's cliche now, but it's only cliche if you're so desensitized by doubt and cynicism. for me, it's absolutely true. i can see so clearly how there are no limits to what i can do now.
the top just blew off my limits, and now instead of seeing that ceiling when i look up, i see the clear blue sky. the sky is my limit now. and when i reach the sky, i'm going to find there's no limit on that, either. i expect when i reach those heights, i'll find myself suiting up and taking my own personal rocket ship into the stars.
infinity is my limit! the great, wide universe of possibilities, and my true limit is only the boundaries of my imagination. and the higher i go, the more i can see. those new vistas fuel my imagination. again, the power of these possibilities is fueling my ability and imagination. and the more i can see in my mind's eye and my heart, the further i know i can go.
those limits were only limits because i believed they were limiting. and i'm not talking about consciously believing. i'm talking about that soul-deep, gut-deep belief that only speaks in the very back of my brain, that voice that whispers from the depths of my subconscious. you can say, "i want it, i know i want it, and i said i want it" until you're blue in the face. but if you are saying it with your voice but your soul is saying the exact opposite, which one do you think has the most emotion attached to it?
everyone knows you can parrot any bull you want to. what your gut says, however, is what the universe is going to listen to. what your subconscious believes is what the universe is going to work hand-in-hand to create your limitations. and it'll look entirely and convincingly like outside forces over which you have no control are conspiring to keep you down. but the power of the subconscious is magical. it's almost like a latent personality that emerges when you're not looking, and that other you is working to keep you limited because that's what you believe and focus on. subconsciously, of course.
but the subconscious is my closest friend and most trusted advisor. and when i said i came into alignment with myself, that's what i meant. i learned how to work with my subconscious, with my soul-beliefs so that we were all in agreement. i stopped getting in my own way. (and i took responsibility for having gotten in my own way and being the agent of my own destruction.)
and now the sky is my limit.
7.13.2008
daily deelite
1. thank you, universe, for wonderful friends that make it possible to throw mexican potluck parties entitled "Beanerfest 2008" where good homemade food, lots of drinkage, laughter, swimming, and relaxation take place. oh, and cheesecake.
2. i'm really grateful for cheesecake...
3. i'm grateful for those lovely moments on a warm summer night when i'm driving down mainstreet in my home town and i can smell the summer and night-blooming flowers like the most intoxicating-yet-tranquil incense Nature ever invented.
4. i'm sincerely grateful for a place to lay down my head every single night after such a wonderful, fun-filled day, and know i belong.
5. i'm grateful for the freedom to live my life as i want to, go where i want to, and be untethered to expand and explore my world. i just realized tonight that i know the portland area better than i knew orange county where i grew up and lived for twenty years. i could still get lost down there, but up here? in a >1500 sq. mi. area, i can't get lost. that's pretty incredible.
i'm home here.
2. i'm really grateful for cheesecake...
3. i'm grateful for those lovely moments on a warm summer night when i'm driving down mainstreet in my home town and i can smell the summer and night-blooming flowers like the most intoxicating-yet-tranquil incense Nature ever invented.
4. i'm sincerely grateful for a place to lay down my head every single night after such a wonderful, fun-filled day, and know i belong.
5. i'm grateful for the freedom to live my life as i want to, go where i want to, and be untethered to expand and explore my world. i just realized tonight that i know the portland area better than i knew orange county where i grew up and lived for twenty years. i could still get lost down there, but up here? in a >1500 sq. mi. area, i can't get lost. that's pretty incredible.
i'm home here.
7.10.2008
daily deelite
1. thank you, universe, for hugs, kisses, and delena pettin's. ultra-tactile people like me just can't live without 'em!
2. fresh popcorn has got to be one of your better inventions, universe. it's fun to make, fun to listen when it pops, fun to salt and toss, and fun to eat!
3. thank you, also, for good days at work. taking life one day at a time, if all i have is Now to define how my life is, then my life is Funktacular and every day is the best day of my life!
4. and oh hilarious and fun-stuffed Jiggy Snake of Multiversal Yayfun, THANK YOU for fwapping some guys upside the head with your Uber Fwappy Tail of Cosmic OMGWTF, thus inspiring them to invent Pandora.com!
5. and lastly, have i mentioned yet how filled-to-the-brim thankful i am for such things as hot showers, loofah gloves (yay, exfoliation!), and japanese cherry blossom body everythings from bath and body works? i step out of the shower feeling like an incredible, beautiful, lucious sakura goddess!
2. fresh popcorn has got to be one of your better inventions, universe. it's fun to make, fun to listen when it pops, fun to salt and toss, and fun to eat!
3. thank you, also, for good days at work. taking life one day at a time, if all i have is Now to define how my life is, then my life is Funktacular and every day is the best day of my life!
4. and oh hilarious and fun-stuffed Jiggy Snake of Multiversal Yayfun, THANK YOU for fwapping some guys upside the head with your Uber Fwappy Tail of Cosmic OMGWTF, thus inspiring them to invent Pandora.com!
5. and lastly, have i mentioned yet how filled-to-the-brim thankful i am for such things as hot showers, loofah gloves (yay, exfoliation!), and japanese cherry blossom body everythings from bath and body works? i step out of the shower feeling like an incredible, beautiful, lucious sakura goddess!
"the golden prayer"
"prayers are nothing more than throwing what you want out into the universe."
--kotabear
there was this was the lovely opening in my freewill astrology newsletter, a quote by deepak chopra, and it's been sticking with me ever since yesterday. and, of course, it actually got me thinking about something else from my catholic childhood that sticks with me to this day. i wanted to throw it out there, because i think deepak really expresses the concept of yielding with love and understanding in order to receive those things in return...yet in the giving of them, receiving them for yourself becomes less important than the simple act of reaching out to another soul.
because i've recently learned that it's really true: whatever you're feeling is what you're resonating, and whatever you're resonating is what you're attracting.
this quote really --finally-- brought home a prayer i've always loved, from the only saint with whom i've had a connection and continued to feel connected to even after almost a decade after leaving the Church.
Make me a channel of your peace,
Where there is hatred let me bring your love,
Where there is injury your pardon Lord,
And where there's doubt true faith in you.
Make me a channel of your peace,
Where there's despair in life let me bring hope,
Where is darkness, only light,
And where there's sadness ever joy.
O Master grant that I may never seek,
So much to be consoled as to console,
To be understood; as to understand,
To be loved as to love with all my soul.
Make me a channel of your peace,
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
In giving of ourselves that we receive
And in dying that we are born to eternal life
--Prayer of St. Francis
--kotabear
there was this was the lovely opening in my freewill astrology newsletter, a quote by deepak chopra, and it's been sticking with me ever since yesterday. and, of course, it actually got me thinking about something else from my catholic childhood that sticks with me to this day. i wanted to throw it out there, because i think deepak really expresses the concept of yielding with love and understanding in order to receive those things in return...yet in the giving of them, receiving them for yourself becomes less important than the simple act of reaching out to another soul.
because i've recently learned that it's really true: whatever you're feeling is what you're resonating, and whatever you're resonating is what you're attracting.
"Once again we face a paradox, for it appears that softening your heart and gently tending its wounds will protect you from evil. Building a fortress and defending yourself behind it will only make you more vulnerable. Healing your own heart is the single most powerful thing you can do to change the world. Your own transformation will enable you to withdraw so completely from evil that you contribute to it by not one word, one thought, or one breath."
-Deepak Chopra, The Deeper Wound: Recovering the Soul from Fear and Suffering
this quote really --finally-- brought home a prayer i've always loved, from the only saint with whom i've had a connection and continued to feel connected to even after almost a decade after leaving the Church.
Make me a channel of your peace,
Where there is hatred let me bring your love,
Where there is injury your pardon Lord,
And where there's doubt true faith in you.
Make me a channel of your peace,
Where there's despair in life let me bring hope,
Where is darkness, only light,
And where there's sadness ever joy.
O Master grant that I may never seek,
So much to be consoled as to console,
To be understood; as to understand,
To be loved as to love with all my soul.
Make me a channel of your peace,
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
In giving of ourselves that we receive
And in dying that we are born to eternal life
--Prayer of St. Francis
7.09.2008
daily deelite
i know i haven't posted any of my "gratitude with attitude" posts lately, but then that's one of the things i'm grateful for...
1. ...having such a full life that i've been too busy or not at home to post about what i'm grateful for! doesn't mean i'm not grateful, just that i'm out enjoying my life.
2. unexpected days off to focus on myself and what's important to me.
3. i'm grateful for the summer heat. it really does me a lot of good to stand outside for a few minutes and recharge my solar batteries. all that "vitamin sun" really does my soul good.
4. as ever, i'm grateful for my family. there are so many ways i'm grateful for them, but this time i'm thankful for their understanding. i love being with people who get me, y'know?
5. i'm grateful for the chance to get up and try again, no matter what my situation is. the universe is infinite and forgiving, abundant and faithful, and always gives you as many chances as you could ever want and need.
1. ...having such a full life that i've been too busy or not at home to post about what i'm grateful for! doesn't mean i'm not grateful, just that i'm out enjoying my life.
2. unexpected days off to focus on myself and what's important to me.
3. i'm grateful for the summer heat. it really does me a lot of good to stand outside for a few minutes and recharge my solar batteries. all that "vitamin sun" really does my soul good.
4. as ever, i'm grateful for my family. there are so many ways i'm grateful for them, but this time i'm thankful for their understanding. i love being with people who get me, y'know?
5. i'm grateful for the chance to get up and try again, no matter what my situation is. the universe is infinite and forgiving, abundant and faithful, and always gives you as many chances as you could ever want and need.
brezsny-on-the-blog
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): "Ice cream is both innocent and erotic," writes Klintron on Technoccult.com. "Coffee promises to be both stimulating and relaxing." These examples illustrate the idea of "paradessence," or paradoxical essence, which was developed by Alex Shakar in his novel *The Savage Girl.* I suspect that you'll specialize in paradessence in the coming days, Capricorn. Will that make you feel tormented by crazy-making contradictions or will it excite you with an expanding sense of complex possibilities? It will be largely up to your intentions. Which would you prefer?
honestly, mr. brezsny, i prefer to look forward to an expanding sense of complex possibilities. as the Avatar of Twenty-Two Days of World Orgasm says, it's the 'and' that's important. things aren't one or the other, but both at the same time and it's the emphasis on the "and" that you gotta listen for.
like my job: i both love it and loathe it. i can't wait to be there, and can't wait to leave. it both disappoints me and cheers me up. it wasn't always this way; i used to adore my job. but i've come to find that the whirling dynamic of loving and loathing, uplifting and nauseating, energizing and resenting only thrusts me into a sharpened sense of awareness heretofore only experienced in the life-threatening fight-or-flight response. but this heightened awareness serves to bring to my attention aspects, attitudes, and possibilities i wouldn't have seen otherwise. i hear the other groomers talking and, because i'm detached from any caring about whether i keep my job or not, i can hear their patterns of belief that keep them mired where they are, keep them only reacting to their outside stimuli and allowing it to dictate how they're feeling instead of taking responsibility for it themselves. i can watch my day go by in a kind of detached amusement as their negativity, and the growing negativity of the entire store, makes me so sick i have to run to the bathroom five times a day.
i'm sick because it's so toxic there, but i'm amused because i know i won't be there for much longer. so i file it away for amusing stories later on.
my life: i both love it and know i can go so much higher.
kids: you know you love them and they drive you nuts sometimes.
family: you're a member of a similar group of people with their defining characteristics and you're an individual.
diet: i'm a vegetarian and i have nothing against meat. (yes, i make exceptions on special occasions)
writing: i'm an amateur on the outside and a professional Nebula/Andre Norton Award winner on the inside.
...the list goes on and on...
so...what are you and what are you?
honestly, mr. brezsny, i prefer to look forward to an expanding sense of complex possibilities. as the Avatar of Twenty-Two Days of World Orgasm says, it's the 'and' that's important. things aren't one or the other, but both at the same time and it's the emphasis on the "and" that you gotta listen for.
like my job: i both love it and loathe it. i can't wait to be there, and can't wait to leave. it both disappoints me and cheers me up. it wasn't always this way; i used to adore my job. but i've come to find that the whirling dynamic of loving and loathing, uplifting and nauseating, energizing and resenting only thrusts me into a sharpened sense of awareness heretofore only experienced in the life-threatening fight-or-flight response. but this heightened awareness serves to bring to my attention aspects, attitudes, and possibilities i wouldn't have seen otherwise. i hear the other groomers talking and, because i'm detached from any caring about whether i keep my job or not, i can hear their patterns of belief that keep them mired where they are, keep them only reacting to their outside stimuli and allowing it to dictate how they're feeling instead of taking responsibility for it themselves. i can watch my day go by in a kind of detached amusement as their negativity, and the growing negativity of the entire store, makes me so sick i have to run to the bathroom five times a day.
i'm sick because it's so toxic there, but i'm amused because i know i won't be there for much longer. so i file it away for amusing stories later on.
my life: i both love it and know i can go so much higher.
kids: you know you love them and they drive you nuts sometimes.
family: you're a member of a similar group of people with their defining characteristics and you're an individual.
diet: i'm a vegetarian and i have nothing against meat. (yes, i make exceptions on special occasions)
writing: i'm an amateur on the outside and a professional Nebula/Andre Norton Award winner on the inside.
...the list goes on and on...
so...what are you and what are you?
7.08.2008
stepping out of "me" and into alignment
there were a few posts a while ago where i talked about not harping on finding my Funky groovemate and instead becoming my own Funky groovemate. i started loving myself, accepting myself, and in general being someone that i would love to hang out with.
i took myself out on dates to movies and dinner, and learned to love being alone under the great blue sky. i read books i loved, wrote blog entries that made me laugh, and used all my Funky cosmic power to learn to love everything about me. i began to draw towards me those things, people, and events that helped maintain this new delena-love and challenged me to multiply it and focus it outward in an act of loving the world.
it's come back to me a hundredfold.
but one thing that was not in keeping with my swingin' hippie-shake of peace and love toward my fellow humans and my own juicy self was a certain misalignment toward the whole concept of love, radical intimacy, and marriage.
you see, certain members of my lovely family are rather cynical in my opinion. this doesn't diminish my love for them, and i don't judge them for it. however, i used to permit their harsh edges to injure me in small ways, usually when i opened my mouth to express some soft-edged observation or opinion that comes from my corner of Funkalicious love, compassion, and faith in humanity. i might even daresay a little naïveté. i don't see the jagged edge of society that they do, and i admit i've always been rather sheltered from things like that: i don't know the nicknames for street drugs, i underestimate the lengths people will go to for money, and my ability to recognize the power-hungry and controlling is severely limited. i believe in the innate goodness of mankind, and i truly believe it's protected me from being severely injured by life.
after all, nothing's been done to me that's scarred me for life. throughout it all, i've maintained my ability to love and be loved, haven't i?
so, because of my family's gritty and experienced views on life, i've often felt quite embarrassed to express such things as, "i want to be in a wonderful marriage," or "i want more children," or even, "love is out there for me. i know it!" i had a disasterous relationship with *m*, and my efforts to give him so many chances to prove his character was a stupid judgement call. i know i ignored my intuition where he was concerned, and the whole thing ended stupidly. because of that, i feel this added pressure to...well, while it's not a pressure to "be perfect," it's certainly a feeling that i really don't have room for any more mistakes pretty much of any kind. i'm intelligent, saavy, and have wonderful resources to draw upon. mistakes like *m* shouldn't happen.
i'm human; mistakes will happen, but it's how i bounce back that matters. however, the pressure is there. i don't want to disappoint my family again, and i want to reflect well upon my parents. they have so much faith in me.
it felt kind of stupid, childish, and silly to express my provincial desires for careerlovemarriagechildren. didn't i have enough in being a good daughter? a good sister? love wasn't all it was cracked up to be, right? marriage was a pain in the ass and the pains outweighed the blessings most of the time, right? i mean, *cc* kept telling me to go the casual sex route: get what i wanted, then continue my independent, merry way. best of both worlds.
i felt outvoted and rather diminished, like a simpleton in a family of geniuses. but i wasn't. i simply believe in looking for the goodness in everything around me, in having faith in people, in raising the bar of my expectations and being a beacon in the night for All That Is Good. it seems childish, but it's not. it's childlike, and there's a difference.
so my first goal, if i wanted to find and build a rewarding, intimate relationship with a good man, was to become in alignment with myself. have you ever seen a person who said they were "fine," but you knew they were seething inside? their little "act" wasn't so convincing, was it? and didn't you just get a sort of creepy feeling being around them, like their conflict was so tangible it grated on you? made you uncomfortable?
well, being out of alignment in any of your true desires is like that, and people around you can sense it. if you want something --more money, a better car, a rewarding relationship, more time to spend with the people you love doing the things you enjoy-- but you tell yourself that you're content with what you have and you don't need those things...that's being out of alignment. it's dishonest. now, if you truly are content with what you have, that's different. but even the satisfaction with what you have can be in the presence of a desire to have more, to be more, and to know there's something out there that's better. that is being out of alignment, even if you've buried it deep down.
it comes out in a myriad of ways, and the dischord within you is actually repelling those things away from you that you most desire to attract. what i did was actually just sit down with myself and admit out loud what it was i wanted. i'd spent so long trying to convince myself i didn't want those things that i now had to get comfortable with them again.
"i want to be married," i said. it actually felt weird saying it, but i made myself keep going. "i want to be happily married to a wonderful man, and to have a lasting connection and radical intimacy." then i went even further. i defined those terms: radical intimacy, lasting connection, relationship, wonderful man, and happy marriage. i fixed them in my mind. when i was comfortable with that, i felt a peace melt within me, and it suffused my entire being. i had admitted to myself and the universe what i truly wanted...and my smile was no longer fake.
next i went out and declared my desires to friends i trusted whom i knew wouldn't laugh at me or discredit my desire by putting it down. when i was comfortable with that, and now even more energized by my friends' support, i posted it on my blog. i told my family. and i think because i was coming from a place of genuine alignment, of confidence and faith in my endeavor to realize my desires, they received it well. they support me.
i stepped outside of focusing on "me" like a wheedling, whining child, distanced myself from my ego and insecurity, and stepped into alignment with my true desires.
i became that much closer to resonating the frequency of my own inner Funk.
i spoke my Truth, and i owned it.
that was the beginning of the Revolution.
i took myself out on dates to movies and dinner, and learned to love being alone under the great blue sky. i read books i loved, wrote blog entries that made me laugh, and used all my Funky cosmic power to learn to love everything about me. i began to draw towards me those things, people, and events that helped maintain this new delena-love and challenged me to multiply it and focus it outward in an act of loving the world.
it's come back to me a hundredfold.
but one thing that was not in keeping with my swingin' hippie-shake of peace and love toward my fellow humans and my own juicy self was a certain misalignment toward the whole concept of love, radical intimacy, and marriage.
you see, certain members of my lovely family are rather cynical in my opinion. this doesn't diminish my love for them, and i don't judge them for it. however, i used to permit their harsh edges to injure me in small ways, usually when i opened my mouth to express some soft-edged observation or opinion that comes from my corner of Funkalicious love, compassion, and faith in humanity. i might even daresay a little naïveté. i don't see the jagged edge of society that they do, and i admit i've always been rather sheltered from things like that: i don't know the nicknames for street drugs, i underestimate the lengths people will go to for money, and my ability to recognize the power-hungry and controlling is severely limited. i believe in the innate goodness of mankind, and i truly believe it's protected me from being severely injured by life.
after all, nothing's been done to me that's scarred me for life. throughout it all, i've maintained my ability to love and be loved, haven't i?
so, because of my family's gritty and experienced views on life, i've often felt quite embarrassed to express such things as, "i want to be in a wonderful marriage," or "i want more children," or even, "love is out there for me. i know it!" i had a disasterous relationship with *m*, and my efforts to give him so many chances to prove his character was a stupid judgement call. i know i ignored my intuition where he was concerned, and the whole thing ended stupidly. because of that, i feel this added pressure to...well, while it's not a pressure to "be perfect," it's certainly a feeling that i really don't have room for any more mistakes pretty much of any kind. i'm intelligent, saavy, and have wonderful resources to draw upon. mistakes like *m* shouldn't happen.
i'm human; mistakes will happen, but it's how i bounce back that matters. however, the pressure is there. i don't want to disappoint my family again, and i want to reflect well upon my parents. they have so much faith in me.
it felt kind of stupid, childish, and silly to express my provincial desires for careerlovemarriagechildren. didn't i have enough in being a good daughter? a good sister? love wasn't all it was cracked up to be, right? marriage was a pain in the ass and the pains outweighed the blessings most of the time, right? i mean, *cc* kept telling me to go the casual sex route: get what i wanted, then continue my independent, merry way. best of both worlds.
i felt outvoted and rather diminished, like a simpleton in a family of geniuses. but i wasn't. i simply believe in looking for the goodness in everything around me, in having faith in people, in raising the bar of my expectations and being a beacon in the night for All That Is Good. it seems childish, but it's not. it's childlike, and there's a difference.
so my first goal, if i wanted to find and build a rewarding, intimate relationship with a good man, was to become in alignment with myself. have you ever seen a person who said they were "fine," but you knew they were seething inside? their little "act" wasn't so convincing, was it? and didn't you just get a sort of creepy feeling being around them, like their conflict was so tangible it grated on you? made you uncomfortable?
well, being out of alignment in any of your true desires is like that, and people around you can sense it. if you want something --more money, a better car, a rewarding relationship, more time to spend with the people you love doing the things you enjoy-- but you tell yourself that you're content with what you have and you don't need those things...that's being out of alignment. it's dishonest. now, if you truly are content with what you have, that's different. but even the satisfaction with what you have can be in the presence of a desire to have more, to be more, and to know there's something out there that's better. that is being out of alignment, even if you've buried it deep down.
it comes out in a myriad of ways, and the dischord within you is actually repelling those things away from you that you most desire to attract. what i did was actually just sit down with myself and admit out loud what it was i wanted. i'd spent so long trying to convince myself i didn't want those things that i now had to get comfortable with them again.
"i want to be married," i said. it actually felt weird saying it, but i made myself keep going. "i want to be happily married to a wonderful man, and to have a lasting connection and radical intimacy." then i went even further. i defined those terms: radical intimacy, lasting connection, relationship, wonderful man, and happy marriage. i fixed them in my mind. when i was comfortable with that, i felt a peace melt within me, and it suffused my entire being. i had admitted to myself and the universe what i truly wanted...and my smile was no longer fake.
next i went out and declared my desires to friends i trusted whom i knew wouldn't laugh at me or discredit my desire by putting it down. when i was comfortable with that, and now even more energized by my friends' support, i posted it on my blog. i told my family. and i think because i was coming from a place of genuine alignment, of confidence and faith in my endeavor to realize my desires, they received it well. they support me.
i stepped outside of focusing on "me" like a wheedling, whining child, distanced myself from my ego and insecurity, and stepped into alignment with my true desires.
i became that much closer to resonating the frequency of my own inner Funk.
i spoke my Truth, and i owned it.
that was the beginning of the Revolution.
7.07.2008
a curiosity for curiosity's sake
y'know, i've mentioned that i've done a lot of reading about men, women, and relationships. what makes a good relationship between two people? what creates strife? what tendencies are women guilty of that create drama in an otherwise good relationship? what habits do men have that kick-start those drama-creating insecurities in susceptible women? what can be done to avoid them? what is "emotional maturity?" how does one foster "objective observation?" and which situations is "do nothing" the best answer, and why?
and so on.
i was on to something when i mentioned my own unknowing conditioning of the men i was with, back in early february, and i said that it was my fault they treated me well in the beginning and like garbage at the end. i'd conditioned them to it with my insecure behavior, drama queen mentality, and stereotypical female tendencies that chase men away and cause the insecure and immature ones to act like jerks.
one of the biggest pieces of advice in all those books i read was to detach yourself from the emotional investment of the outcome. basically, what happens is going to happen. but you can't control the outcome; you can only control your own behavior and reactions. so go out and live your life, enjoy the relationship but don't try to influence where it goes. just sit back, watch, and have fun.
so i've been doing just that. and i've been having a blast with it, too. for a while i was taking other advice, too, which was to date a variety of people, and to date often. and i was. my friends were calling my dates "contestants 1, 2, 3..." and so forth. and i was having fun, feeling pretty, feeling desirable, and some of my best traits were starting to emerge again. but i kept it low-key and detached myself from any emotional investment of the outcome. if a relationship budded, then great! and if it fizzled, then great! i had fun, spent time with an interesting person for a night, and my faith in good men was affirmed by the way they treated me. because good men really are out there. i've met quite a few of them in the last few months.
i just had to make sure i was putting myself out there as an emotionally secure and mature woman who expected to be treated a certain way. and they rose to meet my expectations. those that didn't realized they couldn't, and gracefully bowed out. or not so gracefully (e.g. the international secret agent) but then, who wants to be with a jerk who doesn't even have the decency to say, "y'know, dinner was great and our conversations are fun, but there's this special girl and i wanna explore where that goes." i'd have been like, "dude, more power to you!"
why?
because i was detached from any investment in the outcome. i'm a big girl, and i can find my own love somewhere else.
but the whole point of this entry was because i've been seeing someone quite regularly. at first he was too softspoken for my taste, but we had so much in common i was willing to see where it might go. that was another piece of advice: explore a second date even when they might not be quite your taste. how do you know "your type" isn't just a way to protect yourself from real intimacy, holding people up to standards they can't meet? so i did. and as i get to know him better, he's really not all that softspoken...
and i'm glad i did! but, in keeping with the "no expectations" thing, i haven't wanted to post anything about it because i'm not assuming anything at this point. it's going very well, and he's taking things nice and comfortably slow. whenever things "step up," it's always a small, gradual step that feels quite natural and i'm therefore completely comfortable with things. he's respectful of the boundaries i've learned to maintain, and he really invites me to come out of my shell in a lot of different ways.
but i won't assume anything. we haven't had "the talk," and anyway, it's too soon. i won't call him anything until he calls himself something. but i also haven't wanted to put anything up here about it because of that tendency to want to assume, y'know? he's someone i'm seeing, nothing more or less. but i don't want to be so casual and non-invested either, if that makes sense. i've been the objective observer, watching as things happen and watching my emotional reactions with curiosity and acceptance. and i like where this is going. i'm going to continue to sit back and observe.
but if it seems i've been leaving all of you, beauty and truth fans, out of the loop, it's really not like that. there's just a lot right now that's kind of like 2nd gear in a car. it's the small stopgap between getting the car started, and really getting momentum. it's the breath between notes for a great vocalist. it's the nothing that happens while the dough is rising. the silence while the jukebox shuffles through the vinyls.
y'know?
and so on.
i was on to something when i mentioned my own unknowing conditioning of the men i was with, back in early february, and i said that it was my fault they treated me well in the beginning and like garbage at the end. i'd conditioned them to it with my insecure behavior, drama queen mentality, and stereotypical female tendencies that chase men away and cause the insecure and immature ones to act like jerks.
one of the biggest pieces of advice in all those books i read was to detach yourself from the emotional investment of the outcome. basically, what happens is going to happen. but you can't control the outcome; you can only control your own behavior and reactions. so go out and live your life, enjoy the relationship but don't try to influence where it goes. just sit back, watch, and have fun.
so i've been doing just that. and i've been having a blast with it, too. for a while i was taking other advice, too, which was to date a variety of people, and to date often. and i was. my friends were calling my dates "contestants 1, 2, 3..." and so forth. and i was having fun, feeling pretty, feeling desirable, and some of my best traits were starting to emerge again. but i kept it low-key and detached myself from any emotional investment of the outcome. if a relationship budded, then great! and if it fizzled, then great! i had fun, spent time with an interesting person for a night, and my faith in good men was affirmed by the way they treated me. because good men really are out there. i've met quite a few of them in the last few months.
i just had to make sure i was putting myself out there as an emotionally secure and mature woman who expected to be treated a certain way. and they rose to meet my expectations. those that didn't realized they couldn't, and gracefully bowed out. or not so gracefully (e.g. the international secret agent) but then, who wants to be with a jerk who doesn't even have the decency to say, "y'know, dinner was great and our conversations are fun, but there's this special girl and i wanna explore where that goes." i'd have been like, "dude, more power to you!"
why?
because i was detached from any investment in the outcome. i'm a big girl, and i can find my own love somewhere else.
but the whole point of this entry was because i've been seeing someone quite regularly. at first he was too softspoken for my taste, but we had so much in common i was willing to see where it might go. that was another piece of advice: explore a second date even when they might not be quite your taste. how do you know "your type" isn't just a way to protect yourself from real intimacy, holding people up to standards they can't meet? so i did. and as i get to know him better, he's really not all that softspoken...
and i'm glad i did! but, in keeping with the "no expectations" thing, i haven't wanted to post anything about it because i'm not assuming anything at this point. it's going very well, and he's taking things nice and comfortably slow. whenever things "step up," it's always a small, gradual step that feels quite natural and i'm therefore completely comfortable with things. he's respectful of the boundaries i've learned to maintain, and he really invites me to come out of my shell in a lot of different ways.
but i won't assume anything. we haven't had "the talk," and anyway, it's too soon. i won't call him anything until he calls himself something. but i also haven't wanted to put anything up here about it because of that tendency to want to assume, y'know? he's someone i'm seeing, nothing more or less. but i don't want to be so casual and non-invested either, if that makes sense. i've been the objective observer, watching as things happen and watching my emotional reactions with curiosity and acceptance. and i like where this is going. i'm going to continue to sit back and observe.
but if it seems i've been leaving all of you, beauty and truth fans, out of the loop, it's really not like that. there's just a lot right now that's kind of like 2nd gear in a car. it's the small stopgap between getting the car started, and really getting momentum. it's the breath between notes for a great vocalist. it's the nothing that happens while the dough is rising. the silence while the jukebox shuffles through the vinyls.
y'know?
7.06.2008
daily deelite
today i'm gonna do something a little differently. instead of posting 5 reasons to celebrate gratitude, i'm going to instead only post one, but you have to read the hotlinked article over on the Discovery Channel website to get the full effect.
i'm simply grateful for the wonderous miracles of the universe. i'm grateful that the Multiversal Jiggy Snake is alive and well and prolly having a ball watching us explore our universe. i'm grateful for the wonders of even 1970's technology that allows us to expand our knowledge and broaden our horizon, enabling us to learn more about what's Out There and reexamine What We Already Think We Know.
i'm just filled with wonderous gratitude that the universe is so freakin' amazing.
i'm simply grateful for the wonderous miracles of the universe. i'm grateful that the Multiversal Jiggy Snake is alive and well and prolly having a ball watching us explore our universe. i'm grateful for the wonders of even 1970's technology that allows us to expand our knowledge and broaden our horizon, enabling us to learn more about what's Out There and reexamine What We Already Think We Know.
i'm just filled with wonderous gratitude that the universe is so freakin' amazing.
7.04.2008
the price of love pt iii
last time, on iGoddess...the body lay still, face down, and i stared at her hair rippling in the wind. my army cheered for the victory, but i did not. it would only get more difficult. “to Doubt,” i said, staring down at the body. the call was taken up by the rest of my warriors until it was a thunderous roar like a whirlwind around me.
i blinked.
and suddenly i was back upon my warhorse, galloping across the countryside, my companions running as if fresh and rested. we chased down Doubt and surrounded her so she was forced to face me. every time she tried to run, she ran into a solid wall of bodies and shields and my fighters shoved her back into the circle they’d cleared for us.
one by one we chased my enemies down. blood enemies. foes against whom i had struggled for lifetimes. eons. somehow i knew this day was the day i would strike them down for once and all, and be their puppet no longer.
one by one we hunted them down like animals. there were so many i cannot recall every single one, but i know there was a certain order to defeat them or else all my fighting would be for naught. contempt needed to be slain before Arrogance could fall, and yet i had to face Self-Importance and False Pride first in order to weaken Contempt enough to face her and win. and yet, i could not defeat False Pride without first felling Self-Loathing. and so it went. there was only one proper order, and it was a delicate puzzle i had to work out on the fly, in the rush of battle and drunk on adrenaline.
somehow, i remained clear-headed. and every single enemy wore my face, my body, cried out with my voice. i died a thousand deaths that day; i watched as i handed myself violent and bloody death a thousand different ways.
every time we were on the hunt, i rode my steed at a gallop and my companions easily kept pace. and every battle, i would suddenly find myself on my feet and my warhorse gone. after the first few engagements i realized my companions only grew stronger and had more energy after every fight, not weak and tired and winded. but i grew tired enough for a hundred men. and in the heat of battle there was never the stink that covers a battlefield like a thick blanket.
every enemy had her own horde of minions, which my companions fought and kept clear of me, and which i never saw. my own comrades i never saw clearly, either, only caught glimpses from the corner of my eyes. the air remained as crisp and clear as ever, and the barley swayed and rustled as it brushed against my armor. the chill in the air grew sharp as the breeze dried the sweat from my skin, but i felt clean. for all the blood and sweat, dirt and death that covered me from head to toe, i was clean.
the moment i had run Despair through the belly with my sword, i turned and my companions parted for me to walk a clear path…and suddenly Rage was there. she loomed until she filled my entire vision, my likeness in every way except her colors were more vivid, as if the background had faded to a pale, washed-out version of reality and rendered Rage in stark clarity. down to the red plumes on her helmet, Rage was identical to me in every way, only larger than life.
she grinned at me and my stomach jumped into my throat, then plummeted to my feet. in one swift motion her greatsword was out of its scabbard and arced upwards toward my head. i parried, and the jolt reverberated down to my toes. Rage was strong! far stronger than i. and as we fought, she grew. only slightly at first, but if we were perfectly equal in the beginning –not even counting her superior strength—any growth was her advantage. and she never stopped smiling at me, a dark smile that seemed all pointed fangs, and her eyes glittered with malice. she was making me pay; exacting her revenge for everything that had ever angered her, and i was Rage’s blood sacrifice.
but i held onto my own righteous, berserker frenzy and it was barely enough to keep up my defense. Rage fought me back and back. and she grew. and she was powerfully strong. i was losing.
i lost my footing and fell, bracing myself up with one elbow as i blocked another jab. i deflected the sword’s point, but not enough, and i took a wound high in my right shoulder. Rage’s sword did not pierce me through, just grazed me with the edge, but it was enough. the pain flooded everywhere at once, however, and somehow i knew it would leave a scar i would carry forever no matter how anyone tried to heal it. i remember only hoping that i would still be pretty despite the scar.
thinking herself the victor, Rage threw herself at me. but she was overconfident and underestimated me. i repaid her for my wound, and as she staggered back in utter surprise, i pushed myself to my feet and swung my sword with all my might...
...and her head went flying from her body. before my sword had completed its arc, Vengeance and Malice sprang from the pool of Rage’s blood at my feet.
they were peculiar. if i injured one, an identical injury appeared on the other. fighting them was like dueling two foes with one mind. one fell after i tore a hole through her heart, the other with her skull split. at that point, however, i could no longer tell them apart.
and on it went until there were almost none left. i rode my horse, my companions ran alongside me. we came to the spot i knew my next foe, Deceit, would be, and she was not there. confused, all one hundred and one of us looked around, searching for her. i knew she could not have gotten so far as to escape, and yet Deceit was nowhere to be seen! just then i caught movement from the corner of my eye and noticed that one of my companions wore her armor that did not quite fit as properly as it should. she carried her sword awkwardly, and her helmet was just a little too big.
she caught me staring at her and gave a start, her eyes growing wide and nostrils quivering like a deer that had caught the hunter’s scent. and i knew. she knew i knew.
i had found Deceit hiding among my own ranks.
“Deceiver!” i shouted, barreling straight for her at a dead run. i bashed her with my shield and then stabbed her in the chest with my sword as she lay stunned in the dirt. it was over almost before it even began.
“there is only one,” i said to myself. only one left out of all of them...and she was the most dangerous, the most important, and the most elusive. with her still free, i knew that it was possible my slain enemies could be resurrected.
in fact, it was most certain.
“She Who Never Lets Go is out there,” i said. She Who Never Lets Go, She Who Never Forgets...nor Forgives...
to pt iv
daily deelite
1. i'm grateful for siblings who know me inside and out. this afternoon i met *ds* and *ks* for lunch, and they had gifties for me...for bringing a new world of gratitude and positivity to their door. and waiting for me at home was another cute little giftie: a car freshener in the shape of a pink sandal, complete with little pink flower. it's friggin' adorable!
2. thank you, centerpointe, for lovely biblio-surprises in the mailbox for me this afternoon.
3. i am grateful for whoever invented strawberry shortcakes... they're even better with oregon blackberries!
4. i'm filled with gratitude for new friends who believe in and encourage me with sincere faith in me. it builds me up so incredibly.
5. thank you, universe, for absolutely gorgeous days...
2. thank you, centerpointe, for lovely biblio-surprises in the mailbox for me this afternoon.
3. i am grateful for whoever invented strawberry shortcakes... they're even better with oregon blackberries!
4. i'm filled with gratitude for new friends who believe in and encourage me with sincere faith in me. it builds me up so incredibly.
5. thank you, universe, for absolutely gorgeous days...
7.03.2008
what's that word again?
from the oxford-delena dictionaryrevelation (n):
1. something revealed or disclosed, esp. a striking disclosure, as of something not before realized.
2. an enlightening or astonishing disclosure
3. communication of knowledge to a person or humankind by a divine or supernatural agency
4. something delena had the other day that knocked her on her mental ass
i am not what you think i am.
there's been a lot of self-discovery here at iGoddess lately, and it's been Funkaliciously phenominal. i will continue to soar above vistas that i have only heretofore dimly imagined, and anything i learn about myself and the world around me will only propel me further, faster.
however...
i realized something about myself the other day that floored me. for the longest, i've been surrounded by people telling me they applauded or admired me because i am courageous and unrestrained, that i jump headlong into challenges and opportunities where others quail at the sidelines. and i have believed this of myself, and it has been somewhat of a source of arrogance for me, i'll admit. i've owned that arrogance, and it manifested as frustration for those who would stand on the sidelines and refuse to make the jump and yet had the audacity to armchair quarterback my own decision to leap.
i've lately come to learn the difference between really jumping, and the playacting i've been doing up until now.
and i know, lately i haven't really been divulging a whole lot of detail about what's been going on in my life. part of that is because i'm living in my head a lot right now and spilling it onto iGoddess where i know it's safe. the other part is because i'm not quite ready yet to say much. i can say something of the relationship department, however. in fact, it's going quite well. that's part of what i've been chewing on. another part of it is work. lately it's really gone to the dogs (yes, pun intended) and corporate is really starting to micromanage and armchair quarterback to destructive degrees. really destructive. this past saturday, i almost walked out on my job.
i've come too far and learned too much to allow myself to stay in such a toxic environment. *m* will remain my last experience with becoming polluted to saturation with toxicity. i look back on those entries now, on how i felt and how i came across to my friends and family, and it embarrasses me. i'm so sorry i spread that poison around, seriously. i apologize for it, deeply. and i will not go there ever again. lately, in the salon, it's been poisonous. especially with the new things i've learned --and learned about myself-- sometimes even just walking into the salon and picking up on all that negativity makes me physically ill. and it saddens me, because i used to adore my job. but the physical demands of grooming are enough. pile on nausea and lower GI problems because the environment is so toxic i'm physically sick?
yeah, something's gonna give.
emotionally, however, i haven't let it touch me. i've been the warm little center of my universe, creating each day in my own image and walking out untouched by the chaos in there. kind of like at passover, the Angel of Chaos passeth over me. but the negativity is still there to wade through, and it still affects the technicalities of my job. not to mention politics are threatening my actual position there. i'm under investigation right now, actually, because they need a fall guy.
all these things, however, have forced me to do things like look at my goals, to take certain risks, and make decisions that i normally wouldn't have. and it's all totally outside my field of vision. i know i said that "outside the box" is just outside of our own insecurities. well, i finally decided to be truly courageous and not just step outside the box, but to toss the whole thing out the window and walk in landscapes alien to my life experience. it's terrified me, but it's been exhilarating, too.
i'm probably being silly, but that's how i feel right now. this isn't a joke, and this isn't play. this is my reality, and the momentum is intimidating and uncomfortable. apparently i'm not as cavalier, headlong, and daring as i thought. looking back, when i decided to go ahead and do something, i'd been thinking about it, digesting it, playing out scenarios in my mind, getting used to the idea long before deciding anything.
and i always made sure i knew how i felt about it and made sure i was sure...then i "dove headlong," only after all that, there wasn't much daring diving on at that point. it was a calculated jump complete with safety net and parachute, and an escape backup plan.
and there was no solid commitment, so no consequences if i failed. i couldn't lose. all the risk and danger had been scrubbed by the time i moved on anything, using that method.
this version of goal-setting --of declaring what i want, setting those goals high enough to make me actually nervous, and setting a time limit on them-- is serious Headlong Jumping, and the real thing scares the shit out of me...which is probably why i eliminated all danger and risk from the process.
well, i used to, anyway...
perhaps i should make Headlong Jumping into my own personal sport...
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